You know what it feels to be in a toxic friendship? It digs ur soul every minute, it suffocates you so bad ; difficult to even pull a breathe and the only reason you don't let your heart out and tell the other person is because you don't want to hurt them. It's so difficult to say "no" to them when they ask you for a complete useless party even when you have a terrible head ache and lots of assignment to be done, because you will never be understood and will be tagged with words like "you are never there with me", "it's so unlikely that you will help in future if I even need you".. Disgusting! It's so annoying when some so called friends demand reply to their text within a sec even when you're dealing with painful family stuff ! It's ridiculous when you score better than them in tests and their behaviour towards you suddenly changes as if you have wronged them in some way or the other! It's so difficult for them to see you being praised by the teachers. You break down sometimes for not being able to meet certain expectations of teachers , parents, but lovely friends call out as "Oh for God sake stop being so dramatic, you're gonna top anyway " "you're still gonna stay his favourite student" "you always lie about your exam, at the end you always score better than me" "you studied so much, yet u couldn't ?"
When you couldn't attend the school/college for a day or two because of some deleterious health issues but when you show up after a few days, "you've been absent for so long, you must have completed whole of your syllabus" "oh stop lying about being at the hospital, I know you were busy studying!" Every time they talk to you, it's only about how I have wronged them, as in, replying to their stupid text after an entire minute and not binge watching THEIR favourite shows, not having the interest to listen to their gossips about new couple in the class !
It really is suffocating, drains the soul slowly but entirely!
Visiting for a bit. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I sigh. When the clouds through the window pane of an aeroplane remind me of the candyfloss that got drained of all its colour, the moment people stopped sugarcoat-ing it.
I sigh. When I see how privileged people buy packets of cigarettes oblivious to the warning label, while all I yearn for is one tiny word of caution from those same faces, everytime their callous actions hurt my conscience more than me.
I sigh. When the alien sound of doorbell wakes me up from my trance of solitude and makes me wonder whether I should be happy that they returned, reminded that they had left, or transfixed by the irony that the people, who once didn't even need me, now need my consent.
I sigh. When I hear people calling out my name but find myself answering only to the silence, the silence that stood by me always, while I tried cradling the warmth of the many frozen breathes that marked a thousand ends and a thousand burns under the summer sun.
I sigh. When a child's laughter makes me want to smile again with the same innocence that I once radiated and that I have, now, buried, under the infinite layers of pretension, only to make it better for others and bitter for myself.
I sigh. When I realise that sighing is not bad, after all. It's just breathing. With a reason.