_flow_of_words_

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I write for myself.. |IITian|INFJ-T|

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  • _flow_of_words_ 1d

    Behind the screens..

    Yes, he was my drama queen. Not the drama queen you see on screen, but the way my drama queen will ever act. The late night calls when he was sleepy clearly defined how my drama queen will act. Maybe he wanted to talk to me because there were so many unsaid words in his eyes, but i knew that he was too sleepy to pretend that he wasn't sleepy anymore, but he stayed awake. Smiled at the screen. No, he smiled at me, and I smiled back at him. And sometimes, he would just keep his phone against the wall, and sleep for a minute. And it just felt peaceful to watch him sleep. Yes, it was all behind the screen. And that hurts, even today! But whenever he did that, I wish I was beside him. I wish I could stroke his hair when he was taking a short one minute nap and wake up again, just to talk to me. Maybe I was just dying to meet him in person and feel his warmth, but circumstances were against us, and it just took forever to see my drama queen act as if he wasn't sleepy anymore.

    But who knew that everything will fall apart, and we would separate our ways one day? Because he was tired of the circumstances, but I was ready to wait. For him. For us.

    _ Utkarsha Kalambe
    Dt. 25 Jan 2022 @3:49 hrs IST
    ©_flow_of_words_

  • _flow_of_words_ 1w

    Enough?

    He loved me in a way no one could. But he still had the audacity to think that he wasn't enough. So, I tried to search the same love around me, but I failed. Yes, love is everywhere around us, but the love he showed me will never be found. The feelings that I felt will never be felt again. Maybe I will find that love of the same frequency again, but will it feel the same? And if it felt the same, will it make a difference if the giver is not him, but someone else?

    Is it him or is it his love I miss? Maybe I will never know unless I end up finding the same love he gave me.

    _ Utkarsha Kalambe
    Dt. 19 Jan 2022 @00:08 hrs IST
    ©_flow_of_words_

  • _flow_of_words_ 2w

    Tired...

    I may sound weird, but maybe I don't want to share anything with anyone..maybe I just want to sit silently and overthink. Maybe I just want to reach that point where I will cry my heart out because I am afraid of attachments. What if the person I will reach out to will break my heart again? Will those heart breaks be ever healed or will that broken heart be broken again? But my heart is tired. It says to leave it alone because it knows that I am tired too. For how long will my heart be broken? And if it ever heals, will it break again? Or will it break in pieces before it heals? Who knows? Better live the sadness. I might be wrong, but I don't want to reach out to people. What if they too end up breaking my heart? What if........?

    _ Utkarsha Kalambe
    Dt. 10 Jan 2022 @2:46 hrs IST
    ©_flow_of_words_

  • _flow_of_words_ 6w

    Secrets?

    There was something that was meant to be mine. There was something that seemed like a secret, but I ended up sharing it with someone. That something wasn't mine anymore; because I ended up giving it in the wrong hands, and lost it forever. I lost something that was supposed to be my secret forever, but how can it be a secret anymore if I ended up sharing with someone? What's something about myself that no one knows? What's something that's solely mine? I guess there's nothing called a secret in my life anymore, and I wish there was a part of me which would have only be mine!

    _ Utkarsha Kalambe
    Dt. 16 December 2021 @22:01 hrs IST
    ©_flow_of_words_

  • _flow_of_words_ 6w

    Me and my tears..

    I have been crying alone, but silently. They are trying their best to be heard, but will anyone be willing to hear them? Will someone be there till those cries become calm? And they know that no one will. So silent cries it is till the heart stops bleeding, but I guess it will never stop because there have been many days when I couldn't cry. There were tears in my eyes, but I had ignored them by working hard. But they never failed to come back; they came back on the nights when I missed you. They were there when you weren't, and I wished you were there for me. Maybe they would have told you their hardships, and trust me, it would have been a secret between you and the tears, but you preferred to leave us alone.

    Now, we are alone. Me and my tears. Crying silently..

    _ Utkarsha Kalambe
    Dt. 13 December 2021 @23:31 hrs IST
    ©_flow_of_words_

  • _flow_of_words_ 6w

    My bleeding heart...

    Was it so easy for you to move on? How can someone move on so easily? Was it so easy for you to make me go from "like" to "liked"? Why can't I be like you? Why can't you see me crying silently, but without tears? I am broken. Can you see that? But I can't question it because maybe you will be brave enough to ignore me the day I question you! And I can't afford that; I can't afford to lose you. So, here is my bleeding heart bleeding for you. Maybe you will see my bleeding heart one day, but who are you to be blamed when I myself preferred to be an open book in front of you? Maybe it was my mistake to let you go at the start, but now, I regret letting you go, even after knowing that you were the one who failed me. But maybe you never loved me the way I do! Maybe I am being played. So, here is my bleeding heart bleeding for you...

    _ Utkarsha Kalambe
    Dt. 13 December 2021 @23:20 hrs IST
    ©_flow_of_words_

  • _flow_of_words_ 6w

    I ended up writing about you...

    Why do I always end up writing about you when I wanted to write about the moment I was living? Why do you always come in my mind when I was struggling to find the perfect word for the love I felt for the colours of the sky?

    I sometimes feel like my pen won't stop writing about you! It's not that I want to stop, but won't it be amazing if the water under the sky could reflect your image, and I would have written about how you kiddishly looked at your reflection, and had the biggest smile when the water smiled back at you....?

    _ Utkarsha Kalambe
    Dt. 11 Dec 2021 @22:12 hrs IST
    ©_flow_of_words_

  • _flow_of_words_ 6w

    Wishing for your presence...

    When you sent me the video of the balcony of your house, I wished I was there with you. Maybe we could have enjoyed the view that you were able to see, or we could have just talked about our life. And maybe that would have been the day when I could have felt your presence for real. Because imagining you in my life all the time makes my heart ache in pain, but maybe we wouldn't have bonded so well if this distance never existed. The excitement I feel by just thinking of meeting you wouldn't have existed, and imagining the things we would have done makes the dream of meeting you more amazing. But I wish I could meet you at least once in a month. Am I asking for a lot of things? If not, then why is it taking so long to stand beside you. And if you ever stand beside me, will you come to that sunset point where I wished for your presence? Maybe the distance told me how much you matter to me, but I think it's hard to wish for your presence and realise that I am dying to meet you!

    Am I asking for a lot of things? If not, then why is it taking so long to say that my wish is no more a wish, but a reality?

    _ Utkarsha Kalambe
    Dt. 10 December 2021 @22 hrs IST
    ©_flow_of_words_

  • _flow_of_words_ 10w

    Get a life!!

    I went for a drive today. Alone. Nothing but the noises of the horns and the people around me accompanying me as I drove through the endless road, which didn't seem to stop somewhere. It felt as if I was at peace, away from my thoughts, almost getting numbed, but completely focused on the driving and the air that touched me, which felt like a feather as I kept going. It was as if I was away from the chaos of the notifications and the people with whom I talked daily. The only difference was that my instinct didn't force me to reply them because I wasn't just surviving, but I was living the present. I wasn't wholly cut off from the world, but I knew I must get a life—a life where I will be important and won't feel afraid of getting isolated. A life where I won't cry when I realise that I would be left alone at any turn of my life. Maybe the scars have not healed yet, but when will they heal if I can't even decide what I want, and what makes me happy. For how long will I think of someone else's happiness and keep making the sacrifices? Doesn't it hurt to get buried alive? Maybe this is the time to cut off all the toxicity by choice. Not for them, but for myself - to get a life I will love to live! 

    _ Utkarsha Kalambe
    Dt. 18 November 2021 @20:55 hrs IST
    ©_flow_of_words_

  • _flow_of_words_ 10w

    Freeze the time...

    I wanted the time to freeze. Maybe because I knew it wouldn't come back again. I knew that this would not stay forever. And I even knew that he wouldn't be this expressive on normal days. Thus, those moments got converted into memories that will be carved on my heart for the whole life. They will stay and make me ache in pain whenever I want those things to relive. But how will I relive them when the time didn't freeze, and that moment chose to go away from me with the time? Even the recreation of those memories will not give me back what I experienced on that day.

    Thus, cherishing the memories, it is! At least I won't ache in pain :)

    _ Utkarsha Kalambe
    Dt. 17 November 2021 @23:49 hrs IST
    ©_flow_of_words_