6th March , 2021 I prefer fiction not facts. The End. My last words to you..
I smile to read the place where I still write ‘you'. ~There are void in word ‘love' we felt complete but I don't carry guts to recite the conflict between the space we need to complete.
~I see the photographs are burned with rust, but those colors of small things are still shivering with the warmth of you being close to me.
~I take a sip of coffee at 2 A.M under the lantern of memories cause they give me a spotlight that you are happy not being around my arms, and then tears and a small smile satisfy my urge to survive.
~Whenever I search for my heart, I find you floating within my blood, but as I try to hold my heart, the blood turns white.
~I smell the silence when I hold your t-shirt you forgot to carry after the vacation of lights we shared, mom told me to return that T-Shirt to you cause it won't fit you after ages, I always say her that I forget to return you, but I find a synonym of peace there.
~We met each other now, cause of elders around, but actually, now we don't meet each other ‘we' fear, ‘ what if one of us have forgotten to read the attachments in our eyes' or else ‘ what if we filter our feelings' and sometimes ‘ what if you pretend to love ‘ us' and forget to love ‘ oneself'.
~You know there are moments I open my notepad to write something called ‘my love' and end up being a stranger to myself, those letters don't make us fit together in the dark screen of my cell, and if I try to fix ‘us' together they are filled with emptiness.
~You keep reminding me , I was old enough to think about diamond.But if anyone else plead you to erase my marks from your heart, you will prove my count of belief a faded one.My sunk decisions are too weak, So they wake up everyday to run and play with you in words.I feel sometimes I won't be able to reach a perfect room were writer depicts it's love. I'm not perfect one, I know, I won't be ever. Everyday when I see a new person learning the language of love, I pray they kiss their destination. A destination were flood and sunshine is shared with the validation called ‘ we will stay with each other till end'. But when I see that same person falling apart from star “destruction love", my eyes feels tired to read there pain. My heart bleed to see how a beauty of love ends up a healthy person into a deep breath of hate . I have seen myself growing from birth of your affection and ending up away from home of my own. I won't find you again floating in sea of saltless thought, and I request you to write a perfect reference of salt atleast in life of your attachment, ugh I mean love.
~I love listen to‘ AB KE SAWAAN' on loops, cause their story and our story goes same with few different shades and griefs, but their love survived till the end and here I don't think so you will give it oxygen to feel free and I will never give it a chance to place it in front of the mirror and in between, we will die suffocating for air and reflection.
~ Whenever I type my name on the keyboard, the g- board suggests the next one of yours, which gives me a sarcastic smile but I have deleted the suggestion so even though the surrounding wants us to be together, we can respect our decision of being paths apart.
~ They say “ grow through want, you go through", but I didn't grow up, I just kept on digging your thoughts in me, as it makes me feel better constantly and continuously.
~ I won't forget you, as you are the longest spring my lungs have been drowned into, your stories are fresh here just like the softness of your voice in my call recorder as well the audio recording of the last song you wrote for your “ FOREVER".
~ A few days back when I went to the garden at 10 p.m, I saw an old lady with her husband staring at the sky with old diamond views and romantic young soul, I smiled a bit looking at them and just took my vision to fairytales where we both are peaceful sitting at Nariman point with the wine bottle in one hand and listening to the silence of waves. We did visit there together with elders, I remember we both walked holding each other's hand on the paving of Nariman, if you remember, that day you told me about all your dreams, what all you want to achieve, and I was happy seeing your excitement for dreams, you know what makes that walk more special, the way you said to me, “ you too have a place in my dream", my still got heart sinks to find the true meaning of that sunset, I just wish that walk could be for a lifetime, I just wish, you know.
~ The map of our road was inland from your end, I did know it had limits, I loved the way those roads had a sweet destination with the blissful wind, but I never thought that those ways will end up with such an accident, making myself realize that I was drunk while taking this road, in between my heart was in core process to come out of every shock., I pray every day, for space where there will be you to reach out the new destination, a place where you will be happy with the legal claim of your dreams, I know I won't be a part of it anymore but you know I just wish you find all-star of your life.
~ One more thing, a small message for your "future partner", do tell her, you will right? Of course, I will meet her, but it won't seem appropriate I giving suggestions in form of a gift to her on the wedding day, she already has my precious jewel. Nevertheless tell her, that don't were mogra in her hair, as you are allergic to the fragrance of it, and also tell her how beautiful you write! , cause she will be happy to listen to those shayari's from you. Don't worry I will be the part of your wedding. 'You' and 'I' are a little secret. I won't tell anyone ever, you trust me, right? I will be watching you from far away while you are taking "Satpadhi" and promising her to make her your lifetime. My soul will be helpless, will you do one last thing for me at that moment, just look at me for the last time portraying that cheesy smile, for which I fell for, and then hold her hand tight, so I can leave the hopes and start writing for you again. One more thing, Just keep your heart blooming wherever you go, just don't let the particles of innocence fade away cause of anyone, you are precious to me.
~Today, I grew 18, and 'we' are 10 years old. Might be you wouldn't be remembering it that 10 years flew like a breeze of cold air, I know responsibilities have punched your back badly, but you are capable to survive in his too, I trust you. You know what's the funniest thing 'we' were stepping into teenage of ' us' the 11th year, but per the human tendency of teenage phase,' teenage soul is fallen apart, broken and ached', our 'we' also have beaten with scars, It hurts right?
~ I thought there are still vocabulary words that can hide you in my poetry, but I guess they are pleading me to write the pronoun ' you', that's want keeps me breathing, the soul of my words have died back then but a ghost of it till haunts to smell those homeless essences every night with the presence of रातरानी. ( periwinkle) in my balcony
~ I have been covered in blanket of snow, you are cold air ,do you remember the first time you came close to me, you were shy , I was shivering , we are willing to kiss but my soul splits , we can't kiss.I stopped but you respected me ,my views , I was cold with fear but your one hug with words , ‘ hm, hug is beautiful , right?' that itself was warm. I found myself around your arms . that moment our lips didn't but heart kissed with true love.
~ Today , we met but it was not you anymore,when you wished me 18th , there was silence, your hands around my arms were warm, I felt like hugging you , but my belief denied to do so. You are sitting right in front of me,I'm shivering to type , but ain't afraid to see you. Today we are together, I'm waiting to hear you, I'm sure tonight you will find a word of last day. I'm completely fine but mess is dead I guess, she is dead.
~ If someday, I start hating you na, I will try hating myself first, I'm not a self harmer, but life had few circumstances which makes me feel that I'm the culprit. I keep finding way out saying I'm not sure what things will turn out tomorrow or might be they will end up breaking all my limits. I'm trying so that I can be normal, but I can't stop making me feel I'm weak. I still keep the hope that when I will come out of this I will be little more strong by mind and spirit and more weak by heart .
I lie under the sweet paper, collecting the kind of books, I'm not into, 2:00 A.M mutes the world, But my lungs find the consideration, To survive for.
I rewind the playlist, to maintain a distance between the world and my soul, I rescind my damages, Cause my mere silence is not a fraud, It makes an obligation to not disclose, the truth to another side of mine.
For a moment, I close my eyes, to inhale the only 90's love, I committed for and I will stay loyal with. But no more he knocks the door of my heart, Cause he found the lips to kiss upon. Unfortunately, those lips are different every 9. I die under the nightmare, I once called "love'. Though it hurts me, I cry with happiness, Seeing him from distance.
It has been long, I have stopped being a human, Rather I'm satisfied, lying under the space of ‘letting go' and ‘stay silent', cause the moments in my paths are just incomplete like slogans, the universe survives upon. I ponder on the word "ALMOST" Where my world is burning on my flames of disturbing connections I wish, I could speak like an old soul I'm I could drink the poison of survival, I could laugh high like my drowned waves, I wish I could survive like the human I'm, I just wish.
I defeat the purpose of survival, Everyday with little monster of truths, The gunpowder you spilled , On my cold heart, Doesn't sounds like it exist, But dances in ribcage With heavy guilt of ‘YOU' 'within.
I smile everyday With shedded thousand skins, My own reflection questions me, ‘You made love' Or ‘Love made you mad' Spreading poison makes the silk of my soul splits in half, For watching my world falling apart, Were ‘you' symbolises as ‘ FEAR' ‘I' say myself a burned out ‘MISTAKE'.
You were never born for forgiveness, But claiming yourself as paradox, You stole my blooming flowers, And smelled for purpose, Of your mysterious sins. I cried with petals of your perfections, And you laughed with toxic chemical of my fragrance,. You left me with nothingness, Today, I'm no more a hope in my escape, But a bleeding night forever, Where moonlight hates my guts to stay silent. I guess cause, I'm no more a rose but a mess of it's thorns.
You and I were trapped with same layers of excuses, were the soul was beaten, ached and broken again and again. I lived 18 years apart tho, but you never tried finding me , I was cursed and you? You smiled breathing underwater.
You deserved clarity, And I didn't find any stain, In between I was haunted, And you? You were just another heartbreaking tragedy. Inner ‘you' and ‘I' cried, You had a tears outside And I just loved explaining inside.
I never called you on my way, But you merged in my ears with guilt every hour, Today , when we both know , We are same genre of body, Hiding behind the temperaments Of extraversion and introversion, We , you and I are no more here But caged under the lantern of loneliness, Where the light exist but time faded, Where Moments exist but people faded Where air exists but breathe faded, With the realisation that, ‘She' existed and ‘ I ' faded.
How is the sky too dark, Even when the sun, is trying to protect him under the clouds of lies? I wonder, between all this nature's ups and downs, I'm still waiting for tomorrow to arrive where he will hold the umbrella in the right hand and we will walk in between the fragrance of petrichor, labeling it as " Few strangers we met can be called as home."
He says when it's dark hold my hands with a feeling, I'm new blood of your deep ocean, I grin with a diamond of a thousand cloud bursting happiness but somewhere between all this, I'm living under the shelter which knows he can build promises, smiles, a fiction of cliche yet perfect life, but he can't hold my hand till the end cause he doesn't see my eyes as love but I see myself with dreams & ascendent before him. It is said when someone loves you, don't let your particles of harsh thoughts reach them, let them see the world with all sides of your beauty. But when I see my wishing star falling, He is no more the part of that cold night, But fits exactly under the sunset at the horizon.
I know, he knows, 'We' both are the deep secrets, That our tongue will never speak, Even if the end gulps 'us'. A bit by bit, Reality seems tough, right? Where legally, I will be replaced by another ' SHE', and some other 'he' will possess my body, Which is already someone's soul, When I see both of us after ages under the clouds of rituals, We are 7 round miles apart, but with a lovable sonnet hanging in our heart, Where we are different by the outer face saying it marriage by humans but deep down lying under the letters of unsaid love.
//Nor I survived, neither you did, but all in between our poetry survived with facts of rituals//
Sitting under the candlelight every night, Have you asked yourself, Why do you sit alone in the dark, with some spark of loss, And hanging light in yourself, Do you emerge between, Who were you yesterday and who you will be tomorrow? But, I asked myself, Why do my bones dance, Between the regrets of the past and speedy waves of tomorrow? Why do I survive in the air of a black hole and at the same time I want to color the fly, Why do, I smile with tears inside, And cry out with laugh deep inside, I again ask myself, Who am I? The ghost of myself bounded legally to fear, Or the consideration of real and not illusory vibes, In end I again smile, Screaming out loud , Who am I? The one who, I want mankind to know, Or the one who dies within me every night, Who am I?
In 70's when your first tone struck my plaintive throat, I sat near the lavender saplings, Singing the 18 reasons, I should deny your proposal, With the smell of your blooming love, Flying under the rose petals,you kept in my hand with the bunch of promises, The red savory of my angry cheeks, Was frightened to accept the click of love, Yet my romantic and irritating heart blushed to say, "Yes " Staring at a floating pool of your blissful cheeks and pearl eyes. ~ If I was a flower at that moment, he was the old letter completing the meaning of the love for the first time.
In the '80s when Maa whispered in my ears, it's perfect time to be bride, I cherished my closed eyes narrating you as my groom, With the reflection of our dream house, where care was photographed as us and our children with happiness around. The blending colors of you, Made my fluttering sight to ask my first hero (dad) for a loyalty pour of my hands to You. I smiled, you held my hand legally in the eyes of the universe. ~ If I was a bird at that moment, he was the sky I just wished to explore with seven rituals ring for the second time I fell in love with him.
In the '90s when our love still had the same essence of a thousand young soul, playing with the spirit of old lyrics, God held my forehead to say a forever goodbye to you, Tough to swallow with half stories of old age. I cried when those pearl eyes closed its path for me and hugged the heaven, But far away in the sky, you were twinkling every night singing, " Abhi na jaao chhod karke dil abhi bhara nahi", just to see my cheek blush in the cloudy breeze of night. ~If I was an autumn tree at that moment, he was a spring of glittery tears in my eyes, symbolizing I fell in love with him for the third time.
"Kabhi Waqt Ke Saath sab theek Nahi sab khatam ho jata hai." Have you heard this line? Sorry, I forgot you are the same person who explained these lines by words as well as in reality. You know life has been completely different in means of survival as well as in emotional phases after our boat of love drowned from your side. Yeah, it's rightly said that the balance should be from both sides to make anything float in the river of one's life. One-sided things can eat up the pain to make survival strong.
, ℎ ℎ ℎ . ℎ ℎ ℎ ' ℎ ℎ , ‘ ?'. , ℎ , , ℎ ‘'.
I don't know how people define love with the creativity of literature through words, but I guess somewhere down the line art is the pain of reality that makes you depict creativeness in different colors, I know you will agree with my statement as an artist?. Yesterday when dad asked me to call at your place, I was captured in the hit of flashback when I use to wait for days and months for just that one ring of a call from your side. You remember we both making lanterns out of paper for Diwali when you came to my place on vacation. That sight of you and me lightening home with numerous diya's and lanterns makes a roof of happiness when crackers of reality burst around and sound just blooms out as tears. I still sit near that telephone table that someday you will call up just to tell, ‘everything will be okay.". Just the thought that my sun of love has drowned at the horizon and will never rise again is the only pain, I'm living with. Can I ask you one question, Do you still wait for me to pick up the call, or while decorating home during Diwali or you are also like me still in mess?
Can you stop for a while and admire how you have reached till here even after going through all the times where you felt like you couldn't hold on to yourself for too long. Situations have shattered us and we have always moulded into a better and strong human after all that shattering. I know shattering takes away a lot from you, it's not always about 'this situation made me mature and this is all I want in life' because there are times when I question myself what do with all this maturity. But then I look back and realise that situations didn't just make me mature, they turned me into a person I wanted to be. Life is still the same, it's just my way of looking at life has turned better. Every situation cracks a layer inside you and takes you near to the real 'you'. You wouldn't feel it right now and you wouldn't be able to feel it if you keep on dragging past regrets with you, if you keep on cursing life with each step you take. I have held onto past regrets, I have allowed the fire of the past to burn my present oceans and regret is what I got. Please. You have to do so much in your life for yourself. The dream job, the person you want to become, all the things in your to-do things are twitching to be ticked by you, whatever you have thought to do while life holds onto you. Please, hold onto life too.
I wish instead of thank yous, I could say your name. With the waves of love, care, fear of losing, there are always waves of gratitude. I wish when they'll ask about me, I tell them about you and let them understand how I've done but be like you, succeeded somewhere while miserably failed somewhere. I wish to go on talking about you with that spark in my moist eyes. The way I'm writing now. Laugh after every chapter, exactly how we have till now. I wish to talk to you about you. Make you understand what you mean to this stupid person and how precious you are. You don't have to worry, I'm not telling anything about you to anyone, anymore. You know the times I did. Whenever they ask about me, it is always you on my mind and I wish I could make sure that you're there on their minds too. I promise that till there are clouds and the moon in the sky, everytime my name will be taken, I'll remember yours along with why.
I do wonder if I'm worth any mention in your life. Am I? I wish I am. You have no idea how much it would mean to me. A mention that'll make you smile everytime, please? That's what I feel. I was sent to you to make you smile. I did, I feel. And I'm trying my best not to make you frown. I do, I know and I'm sorry. I will try my best to not let you touch the last straw. I'll take it away with me.
I didn't know how much a couple of happy tears would mean to me. It all started there I tell you. It has been almost a year and I've tried everything I could to manage it all within myself. If they ever say I'm strong in any way, I wish I can tell them your name.
“Rom rom tera naam pukaare ek hue din rain hamaare Humse hum hi chhinn gaye Jabse dekhe nain teehaare. Teri kaali akhiyon se jind meri jaagein Dhadkan se tez daudu sapnon se aagein Ab jaan lut jaayein ye jahaan chhoot jaayein Sang pyaar rahein mai rahoon naa rahoon Sajda tera sajda din rain karoon naahi chain karoon Sajda tera sajda lakh vaar karoon meri jaan karoon.”