The night and I, are trying to make it work. Endeavouring to not become an insomniac, which I have the traits of already. I cudgel my brains out, every night, to have answers to my not so out-and-out questions. However, one question that still tops the night quiz is, “what is holding me back?”.
We all have had days, when we skip on things unintededly. The regret of not having everything done is what pulling me back. The disappointment of being left behind is what eating my nights. Days, when you have never ceasing, highly unusual things in your head, adds up to the hassle. Astir at the midnight, has become accustomed for us, millennials, but what we don’t see are the consequences in future. Growing up, one thing I have learnt is that aggravating over the missed out tasks is regression. The feeling is normal but not appropriate. It is absolutely okay to be not at the top everyday. Sometimes, you require your own time to heal or to look at least less haggard.
I still hope to have a better sleep for at least a night, when I’ll neither have any expectations from the next day nor the grudges from the past day.
However, the intuition still prevails, “what if I fail it once again?” The fear that lurks inside my head. “What if it was me, who failed us as well?” I teeter daily, between the anger and sorrow, nonetheless my day goes on, carrying the burden of emotions, you induced in me.
It was just yesterday, when my mother told me to clean the room and after a long sigh, I went straight up to the garage and what I saw was out of my knowledge. A canvas was kept in there, that my father had bought last night, my mother told me. It somehow, reminded me of my childhood, when I used to spill the paint all over the white sheets, hoping to get something creative out of it. But nobody taught us that pouring off everything pinned inside our head just makes it more haphazard. Nobody taught us that being intuitive just leads to complications.
Finally, I went on and brought that canvas to try my hands on it. It did not take me long to figure out what should I begin with. However, I impulsively drew the bloody orchids you gave me once. A few hours later, my mother bought the same orchids for me, and it was then when I realized, it was all a rendezvous. She gave them to me and I laid down the bloody orchids on the porcelain patio.
Wondering if I could go back Fill this colourless life With a tinge of faded pink Just like an evening sky. Perceiving, it was all a rendezvous I click back to the memories We made, and those subconscious promises To be together; I still sometimes, feel the Warmth of our first hug, the goosebumps, I felt, the first time you looked into my eyes. Certainly knew inside my heart, this is temporary; The fear, that grew inside, I lost it for an interim period of time. I happen to fall in love, with myself, A little too much; Yet there is a feeling of Forfeiting; Solving a conundrum Was it me or you? Or was it my untamed heart, which fell apart? I don't see you as my beloved, But what we had, will always remain Safe in this bewildered heart.
Saffron, the symbol of strength, The struggle for freedom has not come to an end. White in the middle, denoting peace and truth; Still there is no end to the feeling of Ruth. Green, expressing the fertile land; That too got manned too soon.
Freedom is not ideational, It is an emotion to live with unflinching determination. Years ago, there was a grapple to win the country; Today, the lively paths contend to at least win a day to Live in the same country.
A long scribble entangled in jumbled thoughts. Not sure if this makes any sense. Read it at your own risk. :)
It isn't easy to hold yourself together when all you've known is falling apart. It isn't easy to take a pause when all you've been taught is to never stop.
As a child we all heard the story about the rabbit and the tortoise. We were told that slow and steady wins the race. Rabbit, a combination of beauty and vigour. Tortoise, one slow and consistent being. We all are running a race, some pacing to and fro towards a childhood goal, some wanting to kissing a beloved breaking the screen of illusion. Some looking for love in their own cold homes. Some traipsing towards strangers drenched in alcohol. Some standing at the beginning point, not wanting to step forward. Some changing their tracks so frequently that they end up heading nowhere. These days, I've been reading people more than writing. Everytime a write up appears, a person's story reflects even if the writer calls it fiction. Even if it was a mere stack of jumbled words and phrases, you still can see their thoughts flowing in them. And each time I witness someone wanting to quit the race, someone talking about the ceiling fan, someone draping themselves in suicide letters, I just want to hold their hand tight and tell them that I am there. I sometimes wish i had that magic wand and could convert all the agony in the world into happy tears. But alas! I'm too a human. I am too running a race. I fear attachments, and I take steps backward when someone walks towards me. Maybe these experiences which built me have made me this person. Everyone who loved me, I pushed them away. And the one not wanting to leave, I left them and never looked back. Now it is too late to let someone open the facade of my solitude and grab my loneliness. But I wish. I wish someone back in time, told me how important it is to take a pause. I wish someone taught me how important it is to leave a gap between two words even though they are parts of each other. I kept joining the black dots, strangulating them with ropes of attachment and now those have turned into a black hole. I wish. I wish. I wish. Maybe that is all I can do right now. I wish I could save all my assets before they depreciated.
If as a child we were also taught the story from the perspective of a rabbit. Today life would have been a different race. Pause, that is all we need. Consistency is the key but every door doesn't open with the same key.
Now that I've realised the importance of pauses. Whenever I see a thunderstorm sauntering towards me, I step back immediately, take few deep breathes, and look everything from a distance. And when these pauses make me whole, I rewind my life back to normal.
Every day, I look up to life for a new lesson. She tells me to take a pause and just listen, to listen to my inner voice. And I'm still learning how to.