The creaks of the door I just flung open amplified in beats until the migraine took over the nerves of my brain. I aimlessly groped for the light switches and there you go - unfiltered specks colliding my eyes with severe headstrain. This is how I knew the intoxication drifting away, And I knew what's next - GUILT. I look over the floor strapped with used and unused syringes, the broken vases and each step into my own house felt like a hell in my alternate universe: my unmade bed, torn curtains accelerating every spin in my head. I lay in my bed, as it is, tracing my moments here with my family. Reliving my happy moments with them only makes me bigger of a monster after everything I've put them through. The stains of blood near me are old, contrary to the pang in my guilt-loaden heart. I wish there were words I could speak to voice the shame I brought into myself by throwing away the only people who taught me how to love. But nothing, nothing in this world or beyond would ever suffice for what loophole I've trapped myself into, dragging them along:
'Aaruhi,' I called, 'I'm hungry.' Through the curtains of the kitchen I could watch her frowning over the phone call. I was buzzed and so she knew it. I scream her name, she doesn't even look back. The blood in my nerves bursting, I watched her hazy face- her lips mouthed my name as if it was sinned. The rest of what happened is clouded at the back of my mind. The only thing I remember was the blood on my shirt and her head flooded with the same. My daughter screaming "mom" resonates my ears with tremendous pain now. I remember picking both of them up, the horror in their eyes. And I remember everyone's eyes following me as I run on my way to Vinesh for a second dose and rest of what I don't remember anything of."
I want to live death just like I lived my days of eternity- lying below the stars. I want to hear my last breath being dragged away by the conspiracies or theories of the universe, gasping for life. I want to live death just so I could create a poem out of it. I want my death to be poetic, if not painful. Along the metaphors, as it plays around while waiting for the clock to bring the right tick and the syllables align, creating clashes among the rhymes. And a sunflower brewing up in the brightest of yellow from the remains of my deceasing body. When my soul reaches salvation leaving behind my ruins of skin and bone, I want it to hold my heart desiccating beyond the shallow rib cage taking long enough to give up the last, faint string of my existence into dust. The theories I've been honing mind with- theories of science and religion, I want to see them failing and breaking along with the atoms of my body, I want to fade away to an alternate universe while I await for my unfulfilled destinies to hang upon me.
Heyyy everyone. Hope you make it out of everything you can't speak up about. Sending love and strength. Plus, you are worth everything❤ Thank you for your precious reads everyone. I love youuu too. @miraquill I miss Mirakee but nonetheless, grateful (5)
I can't do anything but contrast the days then, how self loathe was the only thing I could reach in order to feel the skin over my bones getting moist, and now when a genuine laughter is not enough to reflect the peace binding the overwhelming bliss in my heart. I watch myself preparing through every possible collapse from ending my life those days and I flinch today, with so much pain and fear, that what if a single thing would've gone differently. The knives I've been honing at the backyard, those are buried deep beyond my reach tonight and I know for a certain reason that I wouldn't ever try to unfold the layers of my struggles and his. Struggles to keep me happy, in peace, and loved.
Sit with me under the full moon, And I shall lace my fingers within the gaps among yours, Let you taste the miracles conspired in the moonlight. I shall narrate you the fables being told over the light years which ran across millions of stars clashing, engulfing, co-existing among each other. I shall name you my favourite stars and their story, the ones movies left abandoned. I found them rotting to the core at a parched corner of the sky, no one really notices. They survived darkness, by being a part of it, "the only way," they chanted. I embraced them into my weary, little notebooks and dipped them up to the bottom of my metaphors reeking nothing but the platonic love between pairs among them.
Taking glances at the pink sky, I plug in my earbuds and tune in to my playlist on 'shuffle mood'. The young zephyrs try playing with my bun and fail, as I smile at their endless efforts to jog it away. Buzzing on both sides of my head was a tune too familiar to my heart for it to skip a beat. A song I was intricately tangled with, every word and space that kept me intact over the edge. Solely, slowly I breathed out memories carved in the back of my mind for not too long. I spotted haziness elevating across the horizon and feeling fragile enough to move to another lunatic place, I simply change the song.
And for the next few moments I got lost in the notes, among the rhythmic pauses the singer took in between the lyrics. The lyrics were simply the ones I once tried to boldly associate myself with. I smile at my ugly mistakes taking the shape of a huge mess around me. I think, think about how my life changed between the planned and unplanned moments of my life, of how one unplanned decision zeroed out every careful step I measured. Of how the dusk you wanted, soon escapes to dawn just by holding a hand. Of how my hand was numb against all the warmth subsiding it, and how I lost hope for another light holding it.
The bed tonight talks of how I danced to the song I rediscovered this morning, how it beheld my long-gone smiles sprouting a new love. I giggle to my pillow, blushing all through the night while watching the moon by my window. Rare are the nights, when the moon would perfectly align itself with my eyes through the panes and leaves I gently ignore. I listen to myself, tracing over my lazy, rough mornings finding their way to become warmer and happy. How nights are calmer these days, and the darkness no more speaks of only solitude. My showers are still long but this time, for my songs and daydreams. I watch myself, tracing over my fears and how they are diminishing each time I smile. I hear myself laugh, loud and real, after a time that felt like forever. And these are the moments when I know, serendipity happened, amongst the most unfortunate and darkest turn of my life.
Self-loathe for me was a bottle, I puked into whenever I was afraid of calling myself up. When my own self needed love and reassurance. I have starved for love in my own hands, naked to my fears and half-torn dreams. I have walked barefoot over my crushed heart, screaming till I choke on the void of words which never existed, but I wanted them to. I have clutched onto darkness just because I had nothing else to cling on, because I thought there always had to be something we must be obsessed with but unfair if it's us ourselves. Nothing ever made sense and soon everything seemed dull, me being the eclipse over them. Poetries yawned curses and I curled up exhaling dead breaths to them, pretending to be unknown to the demons under my bed, or say, my metaphors. I was done searching for kindness, or love, or any kind of thing that would make me happy.
I felt like the tides drifting away, who could never meet the shore again. Few feets soon turned to miles and I waited, blank and bare, to everything near. Butterflies couldn't reach me anymore, I was that far. I kept barging through my anxious, skinny skies. And there was light, before I could notice them. I spent nights peeping at them, the one who kept me sane and human amidst all the chaos I splattered around. I smiled gently, out of kindness and hope that they would smile back, aware of the fact that they too have seen scars on their skin healing. With each smile I share, with each tear I shed while holding their presence; they felt closer and warmer. Fireflies nudged me with joy and I could feel it without even trying. Sharp pangs of fear rang my mind, but how could you ever stop being with someone who made your heart believe that it can heal, that it can be the beautiful in every way it wanted to be, that it had its own magic. I revealed my star to him, the one I protected from the entire universe, 'cause I know he was the soul owner of it. 'Cause I know, it would never shine brighter without him anymore. And for the first time ever, I could watch my sky being admired and adored and appreciated, in a way I never thought anyone ever could. And that's when I knew, he was the serendipity to my life, that he would always be the one I would want to paint my sky with.
This is from the POV of Naghma, wife of a famous Urdu poet Faraz and the mother of Ziniya and Zareena. Let's go with her a decade back in time.
Winds whistled to me all sounds of joy the day I got heartbroken. If some files are stored in a harddrive, as I learnt in college, they can be viewed or manipulated by the user when they wish, if the file format allows it. Nonetheless most files can be easily deleted. But never had I learnt that a piece of information sprung up on display out of nowhere while a user couldn't stop thinking about this new window as everything else ceased to exist in their mind. Viruses caused such a thing to pop up on display, or ransom-wares did but that wasn't very common. Something similar was happening to me that day. My beautiful 7 year old Ziniya and her cute little sister Zareena were almost lost in their own worlds and for a moment I thought it was best because I needn't explain them everything right then and there. It always feels like the questions they asked later on were never really answered the way they deserved to be answered. Especially the questions Ziniya asked. Our answers were never enough to end all her questions. She was searching answers herself. She was gonna do that for a long time.
Faraz, my husband, had met with an accident. It took me a long time to register that in my memory. I was numb like a needle after hearing he had serious injuries and thinking of it now I feel as if the most probable emotion should've been sadness but for me it was utter emptiness that flowed through my veins. As if the most beautiful voice I had fell for just dissolved in the wind. Poems he wrote rose up in air and I could hear syllables ringing through my heart but that voice broke in the middle, as if those poems couldn't breathe anymore. I loved him because it was impossible not to love him. But just like that window which springs up out of blue over a desktop, I was having other thoughts. I remembered far back in time when our dastarkhan was the happiest place to sit around and gossip. Days went by like a beautiful dream one might have and remember some of it while forget the most. Ziniya fought Faraz over Seek Alfam and Zareena munched on all delicacies she had always enjoyed.
Faraz had a special bond with Ziniya. He read to her his ghazals and she corrected him more than any professional editor of that time would dare do. Well, how could someone critique Faraz? He was the best of his time and if time had allowed it, he'd have been the best of all times. I swear to God, I had married and loved the best person I could ever find. Ziniya went with him to everywhere he'd go. She'd sit on the stage with him as he narrated his poems and sung the songs he wrote while she interacted with everyone she could find around. His friends called her Zaheen. "You're wrong, it's gotta be written this way" she'd tell Faraz, "no, you don't know how to do it. I know! I know!" And Faraz would smile and chuckle. Would sometimes even write just the way she dictated. Only that she couldn't write whole pieces until then. Faraz completed everything. From the half verses to the family that we were a part of. He tied everything together in a thread of love and poetry.
Anyways, personal computers were not so common in my graduation days. But I have a more vivid memory for recalling experiences than a computer does. It's not blank 0s and 1s and colours that they create but an image that's engraved in my mind with all its emotions intact. I wish I had learnt something better than computer science. Something that could've helped me with what life was gonna make me go through. But regretting hardly helps, that much I know. This image is of the time when I first heard him narrate a poem.
He was far younger back then and so was I. It came back to me when I read a poem in his journal and something inside be asked - Do you remember? And with all my heart I answered - Yes. I do! I went to tell him I had heard him for the first time when I was a 6th grader and he reacted a lil shocked but then smiled casually. Maybe a part of me fell right there in that hall all those years ago. And doesn't destiny have a way of connecting all our broken parts together? In Faraz I found what happiness looks like. It was his face. The touch of his beard on my fingertips and those eyes in which a shipful of hearts could drown. These modern day maniacs running behind stupid beauty standards can hardly understand how someone becomes attractive by their personality and not just their looks.
He looked to me like a person hailed down from heaven, just for me. Not to blame these kids, coz we were kids too once. But maybe what I saw in Faraz nobody else can ever see. I saw my definition of beauty getting personified in every breath that he took. I miss him a lot. And I know somewhere beyond this universe where Allah will only bestow peace, I'll meet him soon. He's still with us. Just not the way I remember him. Yet the old Faraz is still visible when I look into his eyes. He's still there, just as hopeful as me that we'll see one another the way we did for the first time. We used to have a lot of small arguments and also a few fights but it was always Faraz's heartfelt way of showing his love that made all parts of our relationship beautiful. Not just beautiful but memorable.
Ziniya, Zareena, Yusuf and Habiba, all grew up. But a part of me is still left there in that day when everything changed. Some parts of Ziniya too are left there. A few of everyone else as well. But destiny has a way of tying broken threads together. I believe Allah has something better in store. I was told a lot of times to move on but people don't understand how love never leaves you once it truly begins. Faraz will always be for me the love of my life and it's impossible to think beyond that. Whatever life throws at me, I'll smile and read aloud - Aye sirfiri hawa tu bujha ke dikha usse. Wo nanha sa Chirag jo jugnu ke par me hai.
If you can still hear me before I speak, my dearest Faraz, I'd say,
"Let's dream for us a life so lovely, That nothing on earth could make us unhappy."
That day when he left saying, "It's already too late! I must leave."
I should've uttered, "My love, it's too late to let you go." But everything happens for a reason. I've loved a different side of him in all these years and I can't believe myself how much I loved him. It's beautiful. He's beautiful. And so are all the lives we created together. There's a poet in Ziniya, blooming just like her father. There's something of Faraz in all of our children. I find my love when I'm with them. They're all so lovely.
There are golden boundaries, Melting inside her bones. And polychromatic skies, Dissolving around her eyes. When she smiles colors bloom, A little like charming daisies, And a lot like sunflowers. She brews art inside her soul, And paints grief over skylines. And she looks like an angel We hear about in old fairytales. Or maybe in the mythology of greek. Constellations whirl around her, Melancholy burst into happiness. She blaze like a million suns, And mourns like a dying star. ~Sifar ------------------------------
Hey sadiah! you are amazing. Happiest birthday to you. I wish you loads and loads of happiness and warmest skies. You are one of the most beautiful and kindest person i’ve ever met. stay like this, okay? Enjoy your day. cheers! From, @jerry_21 @daphnae ❤
They told her to hold back What was brewing in her heart She unbridled all the letters She had hidden in the dark One after the other She poured verses on paper From its surface rose upwards All emotions as if vapour Becoming clouds and raining down Her petrichor made the canvas brown In whiff of all there was to see She painted herself a dairy In which all worlds merged together And lived inside a heart happily Words became her friends And she started giving them life Beauty sprawling out of her poems Was full of love and life
Blooming in distance A flower sways sideways Dancing upto the beat of winds It catches shining sunrays Keeping them in her arms She looks up at the sky Winds are moist, clouds dry All world whispers birds are shy She rises above the ground Looks the birds into eye They fly around her at once Sky's now got another sun It's her eyes shining from up Like coffee in a paper cup She makes herself a sup Of dreams and miracles Breaking past all shackles She becomes the shining sun But the one slightly more fun
Sadu, I don't know from where to start and what to start because whenever I sit to write something for you I always fall short of words. Kabhi kagaz kam ped jaate hain, kabhi kalam ruk jaati hai to kabhi dawaat khatm ho jaati ha as it is impossible to define a masterpiece. And you know what it becomes even more difficult when the other person is very close to your heart. You are that person for me. We have come a very long way together. From just say "hi" in dms to replying to your whatsapp status with stickers. From "how are you?" to "Kaisi Hai". From " Sadiah" to "Sadu" and. Wait.. you don't take my name, you just say "Tu". Oh Holy God! Imma cry and make a tini-tiny pond over here. From "I'm happy for you" to "ahan! blushing! blushing!" With time our bond has become stronger. I never knew it will become this strong one day. The connection which we have when the bond that we share isn't with anyone. I love you and adore you from the core of my heart. Isn't it magical that went through all ups and downs together and found happiness together?
You know when I saw your account and your huge number of followers, I thought, "Oh- She's a celebrity, baat karne ka koi chance hi nahi hai" but after few days I typed "daphnae" in Instagram's search area just because I wanted to talk to you and luckily I found your Id. There I read your writings and listened to your song. And believe me you became my favourite since the day I read you. Your voice settled deep inside me. After few days you uploaded a story singing the song "Ya to barbaad kardo, ya fir aabad kardo" I hadn't heard that song yet as it was a new song but still I was so in love with the way you sang. It started playing on loop and then after a while I started singing along. I always loved singing but couldn't put up the courage to sing freely and frankly in front of others but after listening you I started doing so. After listening to that song I requested you to sing "Khamoshiyan" song for me and Boom! That was the start. That's how we started talking finally. But after few weeks you left that place because of your boards. And when saw your Id deactivated, I went completely numb and my eyes were wet. It was so difficult for me as you were the only one person whome I talked to and shared everything and there was a connection between us. Any how I handled myself holding up all my bones together. After a month you came back on Mirakee and from there onwards we started talking on Hangouts but just for a week or two maybe. But this time I didn't fell weak as you left something behind for me. It was hope. You were the reason I never lost hope in anything. You inspired me. You taught me to stand strong and still in tough times. After few months you were finally back. Back with a bang. And believe me I was happiest person on this planet when I saw you back. We started talking again. Nothing was changed. You were the same Sadiah but a little more happier than before and the reason behind your happiness made me dance on my bed but later on I was kicked off by siblings as I was behaving like a nomad.
You're the kindest person I've ever known. The way you talk to people, listen them and try to solve their problems makes me admire you more and more. Your humbleness is the reason why people adore you so much. You make others smile and laugh even if you're sad. You're one of the best creations of God. You're the best "best friend". May you get all the happiness of this world and always stay blessed. May Allah (swt) grant you good health and success in your life. I'm blessed to have a friend like you. The fact that you never sang " Khamoshiyan" for me shows that, Yes. Yes Afira. She's your best friend only. And also the fact that you forgot to wish me on my birthday shows that, I can't get a better bestie than you. I just wanna meet you very soon. I know we'll meet after two years xD
Huh..kuch zyada hi bada ho gaya but padh lena but you know na I love you so flow me nikal gaya xd I wanted to write something better for you but exams ho rahe also I'm not well so I'm really sorry for that and once again Happiest Birthday to you love ❤ @daphnae
Gifting the most beautiful song, to the most beautiful soul. (Again :')
------------------------------- //Aisa dekha nahi khoob-soorat koyi Jism jaise ajanta ki moorat koyi Jism jaise nigaahon pai jaadu koyi Jism naghmah koyi Jism khush-bu koyi Jism jaise mahakti hui chaandani Jism jaise machalti hui raagini Jism jaise kih khilta hua ik chaman Jism jaise kih sooraj ki pahli kiran//
Dear Sadiah, You're an epitome of beauty, that RFAK describes in Aafreen Aafreen for 6 minutes and 45 seconds. Every vein in your poetic flesh, flows purity as metaphors, and rythms like blood. You possess a beauty, rare to find and miraculous to accept. The beauty of your heart. It is your heart which makes you glow, like the orb of the night. Perfectly flawed. Imperfectly ethereal. It is your heart, which sometimes, delineates you as a garden of daphnes. It is your heart, which smells like the first ray of hope, after a lone night.
//Chehra ik phool ki tarah shaadaab hai Chehra us ka hai ya koyi mahtaab hai Chehra jaise ghazal chehra jaan-e ghazal Chehra jaise tasawwur bhi tasweer bhi//
You don't only exist as a human. But a breathing poetry. Raw and beautiful. You exist like a sunflower, blooming an eternal hope. And sometimes, like the sunsets. For, your smile paints happiness and warmth upon everyone's skies. And everytime you hold a quill with delicacy, even the ink spills the innocence of your existence. And your eyes, where your poetries reside perfectly. For, when your heart drowns in happiness or drenches some pain, you cry metaphors. On a moonless night, you'll find how the cosmos of your eyes gleam and the crevices of your face accompanies darkness, only to light it up. The crevices, which conceal the anecdotes of how you've brewed tears into laughters and pain into proses. And togther, every atom existing for you, makes you the 8th wonder. But maybe, it is him, the eternal, who has made you with utter patience, care and love, that no one can ever praise you and him enough.
//Husn-e jaanaan ki ta'reef mumkin nahi Aafreen aafreen Aafreen aafreen Aafreen//
@daphnae I know you like this song. Who doesn't?❤ Ps: writersnetwork too admits and adores your beauty :') @writersnetwork Thank you for the like people! (It was unexpected)
Like a beautiful chirpy bird Spreading wings through the sky With glitter over her feathers And love in her eyes Delicate in her touch and majestic in her flight. She is a beautiful soul, Angel of love and warmth Her verses can make your heart ache for love She is l o v e
Happy happy birthdayyy Sadiah! You deserve all the happiness, stay blessed pretty human.❤️ @daphnae
सुबह हल्की ठंडी हवाओं को महसूस करने और उगते सूरज से सुनहरे होते आसमान को देखने अक्सर घर के दरवाज़े पर अकेला बैठ जाता हूं। एक हाथ में चाय, और दूसरे में कुछ ख़याल, अर्थात एक किताब लिए। जब हवा से आहिस्ते आहिस्ते हिलते पत्तों की आवाज़ के सिवा नज़दीक के मंदिर में बचती घंण्टियों की आवाज़ सुनता हूं तो कुछ राहत मिलती है, कुछ सुकून मिलता है।
राहत की वजह यह, कि कहीं शायद किसी की दुआएं पूरी होने वाली हैं, कहीं किसी की भक्ति रंग लाने वाली है। और सुकून सुनता हूं घंटियों की इस आवाज में। मुझको यह घण्टियाँ कभी शोर सी नहीं लगी, हमेशा खुद में एक सुकून छिपाए रखती हैं। मगर जब उन्हें सुनता हुआ सोचता हूं, तो ध्यान आता है कि सुकून तो कुछ लोगों की आवाज़ में भी छुपा हो सकता है। जब विचारों पर थोड़ा और जोर डालने लगता हूं तो पाता हूं कि वह सुकून कहीं छिपा है तुम्हारी आवाज़ में। जो हर मर्तबा कुछ अल्फाज़ों में लिपटकर आवास के साथ नज़र आता है।
जानती हो? शायद हमारे मिलने का कारण भी यह आवाज़ ही थी, अगर उस दिन तुम्हें ना सुनता, तो आज शायद अनजान बनकर ही रह जाते। शायद! मगर, खुशकिस्मत हूं, जो उस दिन वह मासूमियत और सुकून भरी तुम्हारी आवाज़ सुनी। तुमसे पहले उस मासूम आवाज़ ने मुझसे दोस्ती कर ली थी। वही दोस्ती जो हर बार खाली समय में उस आवाज़ को सुनने पर बढ़ती ही जाती है।
अब भी बढ़ रही है। उन कुछ चुनिंदा गानों को सुनते हुए जो कभी मैंने सुने भी नहीं थे, और आज मुझे जिनकी हर पंक्ति याद है।
खैर! सिर्फ आवाज़ से तो अच्छी नहीं तुम में, तुम खुद बहुत अच्छी हो। हर बार तुम्हारे जज़्बातों के साथ रिसती लिखावट की बात करूं, या किसी नवजात बच्चे की मुस्कान की तरह मासूम तुम्हारे स्वभाव की या फ़िर इस दोस्ती की बात करूं! तुम वाकई, एक बहुत अच्छी दोस्त हो।❤️ A very happy birthday Sadiah❤️ @daphnae