14 posts
  • jaya___ 24w


    While others walk on the road
    I'm pushed aside
    However I may struggle
    Can't change my side
    The road's usurped from us
    We walk barefoot
    I'd also drive those motorcars
    If at all I could
    They jeer at us, keep us hidden
    The road we yearn
    Is so problem ridden
    Don't segregate us
    It's unjust
    Our place we claim
    Our rage outbursts
    Let the road be flooded
    With people our kind
    Unity in diversity
    This way, we'll find

    © Harfkaar 21-6-21

    Happy Pride Month Yall �� #roadc #j_for_lgbtqia
    Note: Road is the so called "normal" mainstream lives.

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  • jaya___ 26w


    Evenings are high on love
    Morning dawns
    hushing it out
    Pulling a veil over our true selves
    Masked as we dwell
    All day long...
    We are made to be creatures of the dark
    Where curious gazes
    Don't invade
    Our sanctity
    Drinking our tears and love
    We feel alive at nights
    If poetry was a person
    It'd be Queer
    A mix of beauty
    In irregular mess
    Like a poet veiling true emotions
    Under heavy metaphor
    Of false life
    And hidden identity
    The person and the poem
    Both struggling to come out
    From inside the closeted diary...
    Your smile looks like a crescent moon
    Your eyes blazing suns
    There's anger behind your mouth
    And a sadness in your sigh
    A hope in your heart
    And caution in your mind
    I'll try make a home
    One that's safe for you to inhabit
    And your rainbow not an exhibit anymore...


    © Harfkaar 05-06-2021

    #start #wod


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  • jaya___ 34w


    Grace Banu. First transgender woman to become an engineer. She worked seven years as software engineer.

    All this seems pretty ordinary for us. Yet when you realise how full of hurdles her path has been and continues to be, is when you appreciate her enormous feat.

    She faced brutal discrimination all school life being a dalit child who was going to school unlike most other dalit children. She was not allowed to sit with the other students in the class and asked to arrive and leave earlier than other students so that she doesn't pollute them.

    Then she grappled with gender dysphoria and when she confessed the same to her parents they withdrew their support. She left home to live with other trans gender women and though their help continued studies.

    She earned 95% marks yet was allotted a private college for engineering. She had no government scholarship or support to study yet with help from some individual charities she continued. Became the first trans engineer and had her SRS too.

    She got placed on campus because of exceptionally good performance on her interview. However the job scene was very discriminating, given her dalit queer identity. They paid her less but her work hours were more.

    After persisting for 7 yrs in software engineer field, today she is Founder of Trans Rights Now collective. She teaches other trans ppl to help them achieve government jobs to prevent them from begging, dancing and sex work which they often resort to for earning their daily bread.

    She raised over 10 lacs during pandemic lockdown for trans ppl and helped over 300 trans ppl and continues the good work.

    She adopted her trans daughter and helped her gain seat in medical college. She fought long legal battles to include trans category in admission forms for college.

    The queer scene in India has got acceptance very recently, yet I am sad to see the hegemony of upper caste trans ppl like Lakshmi Narayan Tripathi and Trinetra haldar gummaraju there. They bring in their privileged brahminism and do not allow discussion on dalit queer struggle.

    According to grace Banu, reservation for trans ppl is the only way to create safe space and opportunity for them to lead a respectful life. I agree with her.

    Let's remember this great lady and share her journey of grit and persistence.

    Love you Grace Banu Akka.

    © Harfkaar 15-04-21 #j_for_lgbtqia

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  • jaya___ 51w

    MY IDOL Part IV

    You don't have to listen
    And agree to the gender
    They assign to you at birth
    You just know your gender and it's not always the same as your biological sex.
    so it's a specturm out there
    and I'm not going to believe you telling me
    It's a binary
    Non gender conforming identity
    Is as valid as the sun in all its finery!

    Another norm which is normalised is the hairless beauty
    While we are close to monkeys!
    Body hair is natural and I proudly flaunt it
    If shaving, waxing and doing other stuff Is by choice
    Then it's fine
    But if you do so to qualify as beautiful I'm sorry it's a failed life
    My gender and my body is a heavenly abode
    For my precious soul and life
    And I'll let it be as I like!

    © Harfkaar 13-12-20

    For my idol Alok V Menon (follow them on Instagram if you don't already!) A performer and non gender binary artist, I just am obsessed with the way they talk!!!! Love you loads ❤️

    DO CHECK #idols_of_j #j_for_lgbtqia

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  • jaya___ 56w


    Living in a bubble
    You and I
    In fact not a bubble it is
    But a prison
    Made of thick bricks
    Impenetrable, opaque
    Around your head
    Covering your sight
    Closing your ears
    And locking your tongue
    Educated morons
    Working and ruling
    A game to impress between
    Vainglorious you and me
    Blind faith in superstitious religion
    Proudly trampling over personal boundaries
    Abject rejections of one’s identities
    Plastering standards as normality
    Blatantly denying sexual violence
    Gender a construct rigid as iron
    Trapping love in heterosexual cages
    High caste rules over subjugated trillions
    High class apathy to the plights of the ordinary
    Shaming fat people, hairy people and people with disabilities
    But we choose to keep mum on homophobia, and workplace atrocities
    We brush aside rapes, molestations, harassment, bullying
    as we approve honor killings and arranged marriages leading only to deaths due to dowry
    All this happens under your privileged, patriarchal nose
    A daughter is best inside your home
    A wife domesticized and the queer child murdered or maimed
    Your kid molested by a relative is fine
    The kid choosing, as an adult, a sexuality or partner of choice is ostracized
    If this is what you call a life
    Then down with it!

    © HARFKAAR 10-11-20

    BG. Alok V Menon. My inspiration and idol. A gender non binary performing artist. How can I not drool over alok's drop dead gorgeous looks!!!


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  • jaya___ 63w


    I have always had such an admiration for womanhood, and its unfathomable powers. Mostly their brains and also their bodies. I had this deep seated awed admiration for their breasts. Their extreme attraction. The way they amazed me, with the power to feed life, produce food from their own selves. The way a baby sucks them to live, derive its only life source. Their roundedness, their supple moves, the grace and unabashedness, their eternal love.

    Long till my adolescence I slept with my mom, close to her chest, and I cannot even with the best of the words available explain the feeling of that closeness, tenderness, safety, gaiety. One woman I admired deeply was my didi, she was my neighbour, 11 years older. Loved me as a little brother, cared for me as her son. I used to spend a lot of my time with her. She was a strong headed teen when I was still four-five, but I always was her secret keeper, friend and recipient of all her motherly affection and sisterly scoldings. I remember the music she listened, her school mates and crushes, and her Agatha Christie's novels. I remember when she used to dress up and do her make up at the dresser. I always used to admire her femininity. Assured and confident, non imposing and open. I used to see her bras, many of them of adorable colors, which she allowed me to see, when I opened up to her.

    She was like that. Anyone could tell her anything. I told her once, I remember my agony and dilemma those days, that I recognized myself as a girl. That I want to sway my hair like she does, do my hair on my shoulder like she does. Dress up like her, wear a bra and have the power of femininity. I remember how confused she looked, seeing a 9 year old go on in such misery. But I also remember she didn't rebuke me or not take me seriously. She was not able to comprehend my situation completely but she was sensitive and did not shove my words like the elders. She was accepting and listened. She had asked me, "What do you want to do now Rosh?" And I had said "Di, I want to accept myself as I am, and come out as I am in public and I want to become like you", tearing up in the middle. She had hugged me, and promised me a way to get things done. I will never be able to express the relief I had felt in her arms. Of being understood. It was like I was living in the open for the first time- coming out of an attic of self doubt and suicidal thoughts and bullying and confirmations.

    She made me her best girl friend, showing me her girl things, gossiping with me, and allaying my anxiety and watching over me. She was amused by my fixation for breasts and told me that when she was 13 and had started sprouting breasts, she was not such a fan of them... she didn't want them to grow as they made her conscious of what she wore, how she walked and ran. She told me how men had started leering and whistling at her, how she had felt uncomfortable every time her scooty jumped over speed breakers. But all this never came to hinder my love for the most pristine and beautiful creations of God.

    When I was 15, and I had fights at home with parents, over my trans choices, I had made up my mind to undergo a sex reassignment surgery done. Be what I am. I remember how the two of us had researched like hell to get the details of the best place to get it done. We have zeroed in on Thailand and laughed and cried our hearts out at the cost of this huge step. Over time, my parents understood and decided to be my side, which is such a privilege.

    Turning 18, I was nervous and excited to get my surgery finally when I came to know of her leaving for Canada for her research. She had tried all her might to postpone but it could not be done. We cried that night as it was our dream to see me transform.

    Today, it's been a year post-op and an excruciating painful journey of recovery and self discovery, I have been blessed with all I wanted to be. I have breasts (silicon ofc) and till today I can't believe myself with these blessings and haven't met di yet but today i received the gift she sent me ... A La Perla bra (just like hers!) which I had always admired in her wardrobe!

    And a note which said that it was I who made her love her feminity in true sense and appreciate the power bestowed in womanhood... I cried bitterly and kissed the note...she helped me make my discordant thoughts into a splendid poem....
    And I am happy....

    //A poem begins as a process of stripping myself naked and covering myself with figures of speech//
    Copyright Jaya Harfkaar 19-9-20

    it's a work of fiction. Catch all my stories at #storiesofJ
    Catch all my posts on lqbtqia+ life at #j_for_lgbtqia

    #atticc @writersnetwork #pod @mirakee #poem @writersbay #genuine_readers #daadigotyourback
    Edit: most of my learning and knowledge about trans lives and trauma and the entire sex-gender conundrum comes from Trinetra Haldar Gummaraju and Alok V Menon (ind0ctrination and alokvmenon on IG). Do check these amazing peeps.
    Pic credit: Caroline.chagnon on IG.

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  • jaya___ 63w

    A leaf transitions from vivacious green to sombre ochre to an earthy brown- it's life span so short that we can observe it's entire life from blooming to withering... Loving all its phases and taking lessons from the bright young birth to its sublime shedding... Each shade is a phase of a pristine lifetime.
    Yet some plants don't have leaves. They have thorns ...like the cactus...thorns which are modified leaves to conserve water in the arid conditions in which they grow. And they are no less spectacular. Inspiring to adapt and survive with grit and grace.....

    Knowing so much still acting surprised at the amazing variety in humans is idiotic. Imagining a race with only two poles is idiotic. Creating a cis-tem is inhuman in itself. Turning eyes into blind holes of gender binary is preposterous.
    Yet we do it all the time. Making so many assumptions that reality is non-existent and all is left is artificial intelligence and augmented reality. With no real humans.

    Real people do not necessarily confirm to the genders you created. They have a sex and can choose any gender. We should respect us. Our lives are not just outcomes of two people having sex. They have meaning, image, thoughts and prayers. They are created to love, and firstly themselves. Don't snatch our bodies and associated identity for the sake of your boxed games. Sex reassignment surgeries and its excruciating pains, or not doing it and the hideous shame.... Either ways it's trauma for us.

    Like leaves of different shades and different forms, humans too are so.
    Have some decency and courtesy to let people bloom and wither the way they want. And you do your life.

    Ciao :)
    Copyright Jaya Harfkaar 18-9-20

    Check out posts On my LGBTQIA life at #J_for_lgbtqia

    #leaf @mirakee #pod @writersnetwork #daadigotyourback #genuine_readers

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  • jaya___ 64w


    To be
    In your world so
    Impotent to let seeds of my love grow.

    Seeing the other's insides I always thought I'd cringe, yet when I did, it seemed so natural, normal and everyday that I was surprised at myself. My sexuality and it's unabashed callings too have amazed and amused me time and again. Seeing you like that, was exciting to me.
    There were so many things that were a secret to me and in early teens a lot of curiosity made me search for the explanations but Oxford dictionary was too polite to answer. Then alone for the first time in twenties, I was again groping in the dark. But I guess answers to the questions of the body are best answered hands-on...
    And I thank you for answering my questions and uncovering mysteries that used to cloud my mind.
    I was naive, I admit and too trusting. And you broke my trust, and now I can never trust again.
    Yet the moments of love were so eternal, pure and ethereal, that I never gave up on love.
    And today with answers and a knowledge of my own choices and likes, I feel stronger and empowered. And do not regret you and my quest. To know and love.

    Of my love
    Too unholy
    My purity you labelled as folly.
    Copyright Jaya 16-9-2020

    Check out posts On my LGBTQIA life at #J_for_lgbtqia

    The poems are Tetractys poems, 1-2-3-4-10 syllables for the five lines. #poetrywednesday @writersnetwork @writersbay #writersbay #pod @mirakee #daadigotyourback #genuine_readers
    Pic credit: alokvmenon on IG

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  • jaya___ 65w

    Puberty hit and hit hard. Suddenly everything was different. One day I woke up and was destined to be someone else. My body no more the same. And my mind dancing in frenzy.
    Hairs sprouting in places I had never imagined, and shame sprinting faster than Usain bolt.
    My sleeveless sports jersey now useless because my armpits were not the same as yesterday. Neither my calves.
    And what the goddamn hell was there between my legs?!
    A fuzz and blood. And I thought I would die that freaking second.
    What's the softness in my chest and my tomboyish frame getting a curves or two!! Was it me or some random witch possessed me and freaking the life out of me?
    Wearing skirts and shirts at school in that goddamn state...god must be kidding me and way too badly...and what did mom say? "I'll get you a bra darlin" and "oh it's normal, a monthly routine only, darl, don't worry!" Oh please, all this hurricane shaking me head over heels and you saying don't worry...I though moma was optimistic but now I know she is freaking mad!

    And now I have new friends: say hi to them- bra, sanitary napkin and razors! Like what in the heavens name!
    Well the drill started and I hated hairs, all kind of.

    And what was this utterly confusing feeling when I see the new admission? A warmness rising in my pale cheeks and my fingers continuously (without any commands from my dazed mind) just keep tucking hair behind my ears at jet speed! Her name ringing in my mind and I stand like a jerk behind her in assembly line. Damn I am flabbergasted.
    And I hate and avoid them girls now too! I know this is strange that while all other girls are gawking at Justin, I gape at her slender figure.

    And I am conscious of my dark skin now too! My entire life I never gave a shit about my complexion, always too busy in my own dreams and plays, but now her fairness itched my eyes and I felt ugly.
    All these years I had homophobia, hatred for the brown skin, and disgust for body hair. A boy I remember called me monkey coz my arms had hair and I had a little amount of hair on my upper lips and never got my eyebrows done.

    I was suffocating under the stink of all my anger. All this hate towards hair and queer people and dark skin was nothing but a fear of my own self. My own darkness, my hairy body and my lesbian sexuality.

    But now I know better. I have not given my poor body and soul a chance. Not loved them back. I have hated myself for too long.

    Now I am learning - to be kinder to myself and others, to love myself the way I am, and be happy in being me. This soul now doesn't stink that bad, learning has fragranced it with its cologne. And I am accepting myself more.
    And that is the way to go and embrace the real me, the ebullient me.
    Copyright Jaya Tripathi 10-9-2020
    Is it fiction? Maybe.
    Check out posts On my LGBTQIA life at #J_for_lgbtqia

    #cologne @mirakee #pod @writersnetwork #ebullientc @writersbay #genuine_readers #daadisbae @mirakee_ki_naanima

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  • jaya___ 65w

    I remember clearly the time when I was a teen and it was my post exams holidays. One day I just had an urge to paint my nails red. Being in a strict school discipline I never did that in school and before this time never even wanted to. But that day I felt like it, on seeing an attractive high end nail paint sitting pretty in the cupboard. So I picked it and painted my nails and still remember how obsessed I got with my own hands, I had painted only my left hand as I couldn't get my left hands to do the painting on the right (oops!)
    It was considered a normal desire for a teenage girl and I was indulged and I enjoyed it a lot, I admit.

    Today when I get to read experiences of so many trans people who were born in male bodies but we're in fact girls and how whenever they wished to do things which have been stereotyped for girls, they were made fun of and harassed and discouraged. It feels traumatic and for them it must have been no less than lived hell. To be wanting to paint nails, a harmless beautiful act, and being denied that and to be tortured for thinking like that, is such a monstrous act.

    Humanity is what we all are born as. Gender is a psychological concept. Not the same as sex which is a physical concept.It does not need your validation and is just the way one feels.

    I pray and hope that my generation develops into parents who don't impose gender onto their kids and let them be what they want. And dress like they want. And express the way they want.

    The universe is unending and we but a scintilla. So let's make it worthy till we last.
    We are also human
    Yet deemed lower
    Dubious questioning gazes
    Always on us do hover.
    A world where I can wear lipstick
    Without being rebuked
    Where I don't need a uterus
    To get my feminity proved
    Where I can wear a skirt
    And be a man still
    Where I ain't called a monkey
    On not doing the hair removal drill
    Where I am still deemed beautiful
    Without arms, legs waxed and upper lip done
    Where virginity doesn't decide
    Whether a girl be married or shunned
    A pedagog
    Your future

    //Our imagination flies too but their flight is so short lived, we have to bury them soon//
    Copyright Jaya Harfkaar 8-9-2020

    Check out posts On my LGBTQIA life at #J_for_lgbtqia

    #smk_we_ch @say_me_krish
    //Lines from krish's post are
    A pedagog
    Your future//

    #beauty #imagination @writersnetwork #pod @mirakee #universec @writersbay #genuine_readers

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  • jaya___ 65w


    Working all day without respite
    Under restrictions strictly tight
    Unloved by stepsister and stepmother
    Her world limited to home, no further.
    Despite all hardships gentle she stayed
    Diligently worked and every night she prayed.
    The fairy godmother pleased with her grace
    for the Kingdom Prince's ball prettied her face.
    Dressed in glorious drapes and shoes of glass
    Looked not like a pauper she, but royal class
    At night she slipped from home
    First time seeing the world, freely did she roam
    But had to return before midnight
    magic would end then and she'll be a poor sight.
    The prince saw her at the Ball
    For her grace and beauty he did fall
    Choosing her over others, he took her aside
    She was elated and so surprised!
    Trying to speak, he broke in tears
    The Prince so brave was full of fears.
    He asked Cinderella to keep his secret
    He was a sinner and dying of regret
    Told her he was a gay and of her incapable
    In love with a boy working in royal stables.
    Flabbergasted at the story she heard
    Heartbroken yet tried to remain unflurred.
    "It's not a sin, dear Prince!
    You are so brave to let the truth evince"
    Promising him to help him get the love of his life
    She ventured then on to her new strife.
    The boy at the stable lived next door to hers
    And for the prince he too had the same emotions.
    Arranging horses and calling prince to the forest
    Her talks helped the prince gain courage.
    He eloped with the man of his choice
    And Cinderella in joy rejoiced!
    Yet the gaiety died too soon
    The couple was caught by guards before noon.
    Rebuked torturously, the three were hanged till death
    Because to their society homosexuality was a threat.

    //Had to write a different ending to a fairytale. My version this is. How the brave youngsters missed their flight of hope and true love. It's sad. But alas, our reality is sadder.//
    Copyright Jaya Harfkaar 7-9-2020

    Check out posts On my LGBTQIA life at #J_for_lgbtqia
    My Popular section posts at #popsec_J

    #fendc @writersbay #pod @mirakee @writersnetwork #unforeseen #genuine_readers

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  • jaya___ 66w


    I wriggle through tears every time I see my friends and a part of me cry. And commit suicide. Or survive another failed suicide attempt. for the only reason that they can't look like the cis people. That they can't say they are male or female. That transition is a word they refer to in a astronomically different way than you use. That they don't feel that they belong-- to their body and to the society. That they are something and not someone.
    My body may be of a man. But my soul is a woman. And I can't be anything else. I think of Lily Elbe. Born a man called Eignar Wegener. I think how she was always trapped in a man's body. How she gagged in a suit all her life as a man. And her suppressed only desire to be a mother. How she died in trying to become one.
    I am effiminate and I can't pretend any more. I am not a man. I am a woman and all of you thinking that I'm not doesn't mean anything to me now. You tell me that I am acting strange and that therapy will cure me. What will you cure me of? I am who I am. And it's not a disease.
    I like to wear corsets. I can't wear a tie anymore, to please you. To become a part of your parties. To be what I am is above what I look like and what you want me to be.
    I am. Just me.
    Not a moon. Not a sun. Just millions of meteors falling together and burning ablaze.

    I am a bird fluttering in the sky
    Suffocating in open air
    This sky a cage for me
    An untransferable cage
    Immutable cage
    Widely loved, beautiful cage
    A bird always meant to fly
    A bird always adorns the sky
    Yet I gag
    Lightning ripping my soul
    Demented, squealing, writhing
    I fly with my feathers sore
    The water shining catches my eyes
    A fish I am escapes my sighs
    Laughable, devilish, ridiculous
    My thoughts against the will of nature
    Hunted by other birds
    Pecked till I bled and died
    The world was kind, the world had lied.
    -- I a Trans woman

    Copyright Jaya Harfkaar 2-9-2020

    Check out posts On my LGBTQIA life at #J_for_lgbtqia

    #poetrywednesday #pod #meteorc @writersnetwork @mirakee @writersbay #lgbtqa+ #trans #pride

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  • jaya___ 66w

    //To all preachers of normality
    Come and see my
    Blood is red too//

    What'd you say?
    If I told you that I am a gay...
    You'd surely say that I have gone astray
    If I tell you that I not straight
    I know you'd show
    Surprise and shock
    Cause I am different from the flock...
    Looks of terror would follow
    My stomach's drawn into a hollow
    Wish I could wrap myself
    Into the warm normality quilt
    But I stand naked in my pit of guilt

    Why do I feel
    What I feel
    Why can't I be
    Just a normal guy
    Who's macho and not just shy...

    Why do I like boys?
    And fall headlong into the devil's ploy
    I can't imagine myself with a girl
    The thought of it makes my stomach curl

    Why do they torture me?
    Making me want to flee
    From this daily hell
    From this doom into which I have fell
    You save rapists from rightful punishment
    To me you offer this brutal predicament

    I am no molestor- not one of the eve teasers...
    Why then you all hunt me like wolf chasers?
    Don't make me a parriah
    I want to be my own Messiah

    Each day I am forced
    Behind closed doors
    To be a man...
    Which means I can
    Beat a woman
    Be inhuman
    Go and kill
    Netflix and chill
    But.....just FORGET
    my REALITY
    Remember that I've no choice
    Expect me to retain my poise...
    You break my character into bits
    Driving me to the stage where my wrists I slit-

    If finally I leave this world to be myself
    Will God too keep me on a separate shelf?

    //I daily see our brutally binary world. It's horrific and us cis guys never truly appreciate the previleges we get simply because we are one of the binary. It's a rainbow out there and we all are a part.
    Life is not monochrome. It's harlequin and all shades exist. I am troubled by this very heartless barbaric treatment we offer to our fellows who are not born in our defined stereotype.
    It's a personal plea. Please be kinder.//

    Copyright Jaya Harfkaar August 30,20

    Check out posts On my LGBTQIA life at #J_for_lgbtqia

    #LGBTQ #pod
    @writersnetwork @writersbay
    @mirakee #supportlgbtq #pride #ceesreposts #astray #rainbow
    27weeks old

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  • jaya___ 75w

    #forlorn #supportlgbtq #poets_pen_for_peace @carolyns_challenges @nivi07

    //Dedicated to Marsha P Johnson-- gay rights activists as a tribute to the pride month ����❤️//

    Forlorn amongst
    The "normal" community
    I stand gathering
    My flailing sanity.
    Detested, forsaken
    Left to moan
    Solace denied
    To people my own.
    My harrassed soul
    On the cusp of denial
    Rejected, dejected
    Fleeing my trials-
    I came to new york
    To be unchained
    Like yet another prison
    It kept me restrained.
    A transvestite
    A drag queen
    Scowls of many
    I have seen.
    Survival sex
    Petty jobs
    I have since
    Tried them all.
    Liberty, and free will
    Still an arduous
    Journey uphill--

    But I won't let it
    Remain forlorn.

    Copyright Harfkaar

    I write about eminent personalities that have impressed me here #my_fav_people Check it out

    PS. Read my blog. Link in bio.
    #NoPrideWithoutLiberation #MarshaPJohnson #mirakee @writersnetwork

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    Liberty, and free will
    Still an arduous
    Journey uphill--

    But I won't let it
    Remain forlorn.