12 posts
  • maxedson83akalyricalslouch 58w


    Trying to cope through life while living with agoraphobia is crippling. 5minutes in my thought process: trying to watch t.v. "worried someone may knock on the door", "worried how anxious I'll feel if someone does knock", "worried who it may be", "quickly assessing who the possible person could be", "panic as i run down the list of possibilities", "worried how nervous I'll be when i answer the door", "worried about if they'll notice that im anxious", "worried about what I'll do if i think they notice im anxious", "trying to think of something else", "agonizing at the fact that the worry wont leave me", "worried how long I'll feel this bout of anxiety" take an anxiety medication, "worried how long it will take to work", "worried it wont work", trying to focus on something else but in the back of my mind i can't escape the feeling of impending doom. Finally i balance myself and then "worry about when I'll feel that way again" ALL DAY THE THINGS I WORRY ABOUT CHANGE BUT THE ANXIETY ADAPTS TO EACH NEW SITUATION OR ACTIVITY but the PANIC is always there. Dont know if anyone will be able to comprehend this.

  • maxedson83akalyricalslouch 58w

    The future i may embrace

    Since i became sick my thought process has been deeply impacted. A tremendous loss of normal feeling sensations as if ive been stripped of joy and excitement. Just feeling drained like all this worry is draining my soul. Im losing myself. I think of how i was always a humorous person whom people enjoyed and loved being around but now i cant even be around people at most times. I remember when people would come and visit me and all the interactions and laughter now my nerves wont allow me to experience such joy. I go outside and im hit with the sadness of how i loved to be outside and enjoy the fresh air and experience true life. Now im inside at all times, my home has become the only place i feel safe and now i may even be losing that. Every SINGLE DAY i tell myself "if i lose my place im taking my life" and i I truly worry that that may be the future i embrace.

  • maxedson83akalyricalslouch 59w

    Lost Again:

    I suffered severe illness both mentally and physically so i had to lay down the pen. I went quite some time without writing and as i now try to i feel like i lost my "knack" for writing. As if i have lost the ability to compuse heart thumping emotion and display what really was my only talent. I feel seperated like a part of me has been lost and i can no longer connect fluently with passion and power. Each time i suffer an illness or life altering situation i seem to lose a bit of myself. Im scared to feel but i feel too much. Anxiety flows through me, depression drowns me, and i feel so terrified that i I can't even sleep, even with the strongest of sleep medication my brain just wont tune off and allow a moment of peace. I dont know but theres one moment in my life i can compare to all this mental disarray. When i was a child, very young probably 5yrs old at the most and i was in a shopping mall and somehow i got seperated from my mother and i was lost and terrified not even knowing what emotion meant at the time but i was completely scared and terrified i would never find her. I wondered about crying and looking and eventually my mother found me. But thats how i feel now and it makes sense my mom passed 6yrs ago and i have been lost ever since, but this time there is no finding her and without her i wasn't ME.

  • maxedson83akalyricalslouch 59w


    I find myself dealing with a return of my insomnia. At one time it crippled me driving me to have hallucinations and turning delusional . My actions while in that state of psychosis acting out in inappropriate manners where i turned to the hospital because, "where else was i I supposed to go" so i was admited as psychotic and then when i then acted psychotic. I was arrested for a crime i did while dealing with hallucinations and i acted out in an extremely out of bounds behavior but went to the hospital because i know i was irrational. Now i have had to been rated on a tool that categorizes a person in certain categorizes. So im being rated as to whom i am due to an action in psychosis. Even the jail said i was psychotic. So im being based as a person on a Action i did while pschotic. Is that an accurate interpretation of whom i am. Ive tried to get into psych wards 6 times in various towns and no psych ward will take me due to past problematic issues after an intake in their psych ward.
    So i end up sitting in the e.r. for 10days till they get sick of me and basically have me leave. Then i hear repeatedly on t.v. and in the news how the government has funded units to be accessible for people, psych patients of my type whom are difficult to deal with
    i still cant get in one when i need it. Where are these psych units designed specifically for people with of my cases and how do i get in if the "Damn hospital" can't get me in. And i am admitting what i did was wrong. but it is also a fact that i was in a state of psychosis. But i own up to my part and am paying my price and i will continue to do so as the person i really am not the psychotic patient i was. I WISH I NEVER WENT TO A HOSPITAL FOR HELP!

  • maxedson83akalyricalslouch 60w


    The occurrence of one
    day of life is like the 24hr spin of the earth.
    Ups and downs, sunny days, rainy spots, a sudden tornado back to the calmness of a cool summer day. Daily experiences are like the 24hr spin. Good spots and droughts

  • maxedson83akalyricalslouch 61w

    The system

    There have been many times when I was talking to a therapist and they wanted me to go back to that little boy and Express what he would say. I refuse to do it. I cannot handle expressing what I would as the little kid. I am a man and I will never go back to that little boy. Because what I felt then was worse than the time in solitary confinement. They wonder why I'm fucked up I was put in a cell for 23 hours a day for 2 years. I lost my mind. I was 16yrs old my brain wasn't even fully developed. I was already carrying extreme psychological problems and then they through me in the hole. I had to get out of that cell and I couldn't the only way I could is if I spread my shit all over the wall they would have to let me out to clean it. I would fill my cell with my urine so they would have to let me out for at least 10minutes to clean it. The system failed me miserably and they they will never understand what they did to me. Paranoia, time distortion, talking to my self and pounding on that cell door begging them to let me out. When I got out I couldn't even handle talking to someone. I was demolished socially. That's why now I keep all my windows in my house covered so know when can look in. That's why I fear just going to the mailbox. Feeling like I'm gonna throw myself out of a moving car and jump off a bridge and my mind won't be able to stop my body from doing it. It took me a year to walk over the bridge in richford without those thoughts. 

    Any way thanks for listening 

  • maxedson83akalyricalslouch 61w


    I hate anxiety, the whole physiological make up of nerves, neurotransmitters that transport neurons inaccurately. Creating chaos and a magnitude of crippling symptoms. I remember studying pharmacology as a teen, fascinated by their capabilities. The strength to calm storms and restore ones balance. So many psych wards and so many medications, usually given with not even a mention of side effects, obesity, cholesterol issues, tardive dyskinesia, serotonin depletion and "brain zaps". Dont get me wrong I am extremely grateful for medications but what about when you stop them and leave the patient with now a more extreme psychological problem. It sucks living and knowing that at any day my whole world could be annihilated and completely ruined if for some reason I lose my medications. Knowing that my whole level of functioning could be demolished with the loss of my meds, and what makes me even more furious is when they could be taken away because of a decision made by the person who holds your world in their hands for a minuscule reason. My biggest fear in life, beyond jail or homelessness or even death is what am I going to do if I lose my medications. What am I going to do?

  • maxedson83akalyricalslouch 61w


    It's been months since I wrote and I can tell my visions no longer come so clearly, as if I'm missing an element, a molecule to my chemical make up. 

    My words no longer flow and compose themselves so freely.

    Before the words of passion and pain came so clearly. 

    I realize I have a tremendous amount of anger, a relentless earthquake shaking anger.

    I believe the problem is I'm haunted by memories, but ones that don't even exist instead I wish they did.

    And I cant accept that our chapter has been written and is now over. 

    So many moments I wish I spent with my mother and the fact that it is no longer physically possible makes me want to roar like a lion.

    I can no longer experience the connection of our 2 souls. Somehow I need to accept this fact or it WILL BE MY DEMISE

    Thank you

  • maxedson83akalyricalslouch 62w


    Its 4:30 in the morning and anxiety consumes me. I find it hard to face every new day. I was like this before but the isolation from this covid definitely made it worse. The anticipation of social interactions makes me very nervous. Still like every other day I will face my fears and face another day.

  • lyricalslouch 102w

    What happened to me?

    I try to fix problem after problem even the problems I create in my mind when I obsess about making sure I'm doing all I can and to not fall short. But beyond the bills, rent, appointments, duties etc is a problem I can't think my way out of or manipulate my way past. That I am no longer the person I was 10yrs ago. I no longer have my mother but I also no longer have my self. With every fiber of my being I am trying to accept the fact that no matter what I do I will never be who I was. Even if I lost the weight and became quite attractive again, and stay sober, and do endless counseling and therapy sessions and psychoanalysis and mindfulness and even medications, and I get back my old apartment right next to my mother's building, NO MATTER WHAT I DO TO BE THAT OLD PERSON I can NEVER BRING HIM BACK. The death of my mother drove my borderline personality disorder to a point so strong it forever altered my neurochemistry, thought patterns, cognitive functions, even the stuff deeper than the mind but my soul....my beliefs, pride, attitude, self of security etc...and the worst part of all in this dismay is the secret and change that I can't accept. That I will never have a long-term intimate relationship with a woman and it kills me. That with all my knowledge I just can't maintain a functional healthy long-term relationship and the reason why I can't even can't be put into words. The DSM 5 would say "continual unstable relationships" but that doesn't explain why. I have more compassion and love then 90% of the people I know but I just can't use it properly and I am dying inside to kiss a beautiful lady on her soft lifts and to just look at eachother with so much passion that just for that moment the world stops and nothing else matters and EVERYTHING IS OK!

  • lyricalslouch 215w

    I find myself in a metamorphosis, changing with each and every moment. My mind and body under a transformation created by the HAVOC and trials in which I endure. I feel as though destruction and dismay is ultimately inevitable and all struggle is completely futile. Thoughts of suicide no longer carry the message of demise but rather the execution of something beautiful and triumphant. A state of ecstasy and relief which will seem like heaven falling upon my decrepit TORN soul.

  • lyricalslouch 225w


    I can believe in myself much better when I know someone believes in me....
    That's my belief!!!