The Widest Panic
Night 3:34 am. Can't fall asleep. Insomnia and Panic attacked so widely.
Sensation like something is bleeding so inadequately from the widest viewpoint of my head.
Can't get out of anything.
Everything was eating my body as a shark eats his meal.
Craving for water but couldn't find it on the table.
I was suddenly freezing so bitterly.
Can't move from the upside.
And the heartbeat was getting sluggish sometimes it was so fast
I was feeling like my whole body is bleeding and trying to make it better but something was dripping blood from my body by hitten with a knife.
I had a trauma since I was born. When I was born, my parents were upset because I was a girl. Their expectation was adequate than mine.
My parents used to fight a lot with each other because my mom gave birth to a girl.
After all of this, my mom ends up everything and left me in an orphanage.
And I was so calm nature of person since I was born.
I saw everything but didn't notice.
Accordingly, when I was going to 4 years old,
Some people came and adopted me from the orphanage.
Because they don't have any children.
Now the person I am is an adopted child.
I used to write stories, poems etc, listening to music, studying.
That was the life where I'm nonetheless encountering through.
And my life is like messy hair that I can't get help to solve. Always living in a room. What feels like a huge world to me.
And in my life, I was kidnapped once, and because of a severe shock, and I lost my memory. And that's why I can not remember anything. That is the enormous anxiety in my life. Everything was happening like a movie.
I never felt safe anywhere. Always traumatised from everything. My stepparents started to hate me because I'm an introvert. My stepbrother also hates me because of being so calm nature of a person because he loves to play and have fun.
Feels like all was an enormous lie. But can't believe that I'm still alive. No one can't clarify why am I still alive.
Life sucks every time.
When I was 5 years old, I was in school at that time. Some students were bullying a classmate. And I couldn't take it, I poured water on them from the lavatory. And that was the first time I learned how to fight.
Therefore, some students began to bully me because of being a person who can not live without glasses. I can't see anything without glasses.
They take my glasses and break them.
Or throw it somewhere to not find it furthermore. And I fall to the ground every time and got hurt badly.
And I launched fighting with them. I started wearing lenses in my eyes but not every time.
I couldn't tell anything to my parents because they were too strict to talk with me. They never talk with me.
When I was 9 or 10 years old,
I got a friend. He was so great. And he loved to spend time with me. But in those all obscures and wildering moments he developed his feelings for me.
And I couldn't notice it at all. Never knew it was gonna happen. Day by day, he was developing his feelings for me. Made a room for me in his heart. Never knew I became a weak point of his heart. Unfortunately, he became outrageous. And commenced thinking something weird. He thought I was gonna die for him. He thought that he might ruin my life.
And he couldn't stand that pain and did suicide from the roof. And I was the one who didn't know it. I got 20 missed calls from him but I didn't notice it. Because I got stuck in trouble. And my mobile battery was too low so I switched off the phone.
And that was the first time I saw so much blood on that road. The road was full of red texture a slight kind of water what we call BLOOD.
The ambulance came and took him to the ambulance and I saw his hand was laying there and his blood was stuck with his hand.
And he died.
Brillina was the one who used to love him a lot but I never gave any attention to anything because of my study. And that was my fault.
She cried a lot for him and now she can not see me in her eyes.
And I know how bad it hurts.
I'm still sorry to her. But I don't know how can I apologise to her. I don't have any words to say in front of her face. It is a shame for me to show her my face.
Accordingly, 1 day, 2 months, 4 years was going day by day. But I was depressed as hell. I couldn't find any way to get out of these. There was no one who could pull me out from the darkness.
I was in manic depression, it had been going to 4 years 5 months.
I had a bag of pills. And I used to take it all the time but nothing worked on me. I became depressed more and more. Anxiety was killing my mind. Overthinking was killing my happiness. I couldn't find any way out.
In my life, there were two times I was going to do suicide. And I couldn't because my cousin saw it. And he saved me. I never wanted to live like this. Like living a messy life. Where I don't know who is my real parents, where they are actually. What is the big truth that is everyone is still hiding from me?
I wanted to know everything about my life. And I tried to die but couldn't. Someone was pulling me over my body.
I never knew what to do. What was the antidote to my pain? What can I do?
I feel like there's no one for me in my life. Is everyone fake in this world?
Is there anyone who can pull me out of this darkness? No one. No one can do it. Never ever.
I will be like this forever.
And I found someone on a social media app. Pretty good. That person was so adorable minded. And I used to be happy with him. Because he was the one I used to talk to. I never met him in real life. But I believe that he exists in this world.
Every day we became much closer like best friends. And he was the source of my happiness. I met him in a writing app. Then he found me on Instagram. I used to talk with him every day, he used to talk with me every day. I used to talk and he used to listen. He was like me, he was an introvert too. But he used to listen to me. His listening skill was great. Sometimes we had fights. A lot of time, we used to fight. And we never slept before solving the fight. And I was getting better with him.
And there was the same thing that happened. He developed his feelings for me. And I didn't know it. One day, he was trying to confess his feelings. And he did it. But I didn't know what to say. because I didn't want to involve in this because these are hurting either I didn't want to hurt him.
So that's why I told him that I don't want to go into a relationship.
I don't believe in this bf/gf.
He said, he loves me and he wants to marry me.
and I didn't know what to say.
I explained that if he really loves me then he has to wait for me. Or if he can't then he can choose someone else.
Then we stopped talking about it.
But I know he still loves me.
I told him so many times to not be with me, it might ruin his life.
But he doesn't understand. And I don't know how to make him understand.
However, unexpectedly, he disappeared. And I was making an effort to find him everywhere. But I couldn't find him anywhere. And that was hurting. Because I was emotionally attached to him as a best friend.
I didn't know what to do. I cried a lot. Every day I used to wake up with tears and go to sleep with tears. And I still miss him a lot. I always used to live in my imagination since I was born.
And I used to feel like he could see me. Or he is watching me from somewhere. I used to feel like he is in front of me, or somewhere behind me. But I can not see. I was emotionally broken furthermore.
But perhaps I moved on but he is still in my mind. Somewhere he is sleeping in the corner of my mind. I don't wanna wake him up. Let him stay there. For me, he is still alive but only in my imagination.
But now I'm the strongest person ever in my life in my view. But there are also so many stories that still eats my mind and body.
Nonetheless, I'm perfectly well with everything.
And I don't wanna close to someone and attached to someone anymore.
And I am quite apprehensive of doing it.
And I'm ready to deal with the widest injury in my life, what is appearing in my future.
So if you want, you can hurt me.
I have given you that permission.
Haha, thanks a lot...!