Dear diary.....love and hate
They say its better to love and lost than to never have loved at all. Well I say, they didnt know what they were talking about.
I found love, i found patience, i found safety and understanding, i found a real man .
Not once did i feel like the need to compare myself to those girls who are in a magazine. Or like i need to starve myself to look a certain way. I never found the need to look for compliments elsewhere.
I felt secured at all times.
What i found was so incredibly rare.
He was my person.
The passion and intimacy was always so surreal. We could see a forever with each other.
But now i sit here at work on my break in the chapel of the hospital, praying to a god i didnt believe in and crying as if no one could see me.
My heart breaks every time I think that he will be gone soon. That i will never find a man like that, someone who makes me feel so amazing.
How can you love and hate someone so much at the same time. Hate him for having to deploy somewhere else and breaking both our hearts. But love everything that he is.
Theres no options. I cant go with him, and he cant stay here, so what do i do.
I try to enjoy the time i have left, yet find myself spending a lot of time crying as he holds me. Looking away from him even though he feels the tears dripping on his chest. He tries to soothe me by telling me its okay, while hugging me tighter, and playing with my hair knowing it relaxes me. I get so upset that i keep coming to a panic attack that i cant settle without medicating.
And even though he tries to muffle his sobs from me, i can still hear them and it breaks me that i cant "hold it together" for him.
I wish i didnt fall in love. Because what movies dont tell you is, when you fall in love sometimes you get hurt when theres no one to catch you.
All i have left in life is hope, hope that he wont have to leave anymore, hope that he will spend his life with me, hope that nothing has to change.
But reality has gotten the best of me.