What happened to me?
I try to fix problem after problem even the problems I create in my mind when I obsess about making sure I'm doing all I can and to not fall short. But beyond the bills, rent, appointments, duties etc is a problem I can't think my way out of or manipulate my way past. That I am no longer the person I was 10yrs ago. I no longer have my mother but I also no longer have my self. With every fiber of my being I am trying to accept the fact that no matter what I do I will never be who I was. Even if I lost the weight and became quite attractive again, and stay sober, and do endless counseling and therapy sessions and psychoanalysis and mindfulness and even medications, and I get back my old apartment right next to my mother's building, NO MATTER WHAT I DO TO BE THAT OLD PERSON I can NEVER BRING HIM BACK. The death of my mother drove my borderline personality disorder to a point so strong it forever altered my neurochemistry, thought patterns, cognitive functions, even the stuff deeper than the mind but my soul....my beliefs, pride, attitude, self of security etc...and the worst part of all in this dismay is the secret and change that I can't accept. That I will never have a long-term intimate relationship with a woman and it kills me. That with all my knowledge I just can't maintain a functional healthy long-term relationship and the reason why I can't even can't be put into words. The DSM 5 would say "continual unstable relationships" but that doesn't explain why. I have more compassion and love then 90% of the people I know but I just can't use it properly and I am dying inside to kiss a beautiful lady on her soft lifts and to just look at eachother with so much passion that just for that moment the world stops and nothing else matters and EVERYTHING IS OK!
I CANT ACCEPT THAT ILL NEVER TRULY EXPERIENCE THAT EVER AGAIN.. ITS JUST AS GONE AS MY MOTHER... AND IT EATS AT ME DAY AFTER DAY. THANKS FOR LETTING ME CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER.