Our thinking is shaped by dualism. Entrance, exit. Black, white. Good, evil. Everything appears as opposite pairs. But that’s wrong. We often think in black and white. Life has many layers which we fail to recognise. We need to change our thinking to see through such layers. ~H.G. Tannhause
Complete and Incomplete are a question of perspective. Life is nothing but a spiral of functions carried out by a cage that is body and controlled by our minds.
It's 12:49 a.m., it's an important event for me, the lunar eclipse, I've been a science major since childhood and it is as important as breathing is for me.
// . Most of our time is spent on us figuring out what’s right and what’s wrong and we continue this search till death .//
We are so full of life when we are in our childhood. Isn't it? Our parents and our family is the only important thing for us but as we move into school, we tend to find different people. Different as in: Whole new and different sets of genes and features carrying out functions in own and a unique way. Our priorities change with time, not a less known fact it is. Different people, different minds attract us and then we start feeling dissociative, this is one of those phase in my life when I'm in quiescence. When I have nothing but just the intergalactic interlude and the black hole emerging inside my body. I have everything at that point but not you, I have nothing in my mind, but thoughts of you. So many people to caress ourselves but the only one we need is that one person who is a part of your life but your presence or absence is not a big deal for them. And even when we know this factoid, we don't agree to accept the truth, we want a fake and imaginary truth helping us survive.
//Life has unknown entities which are beyond our comprehension. Hence, we find them “strange”.The truth is a strange thing. You can try to suppress it, but it will always find its way to the surface. –//
// , , - . Everything is connected.—Yesterday, today and tomorrow are not consecutive, they are connected in a never-ending circle. Everything is connected.— The Stranger//
The day when we fought, the full moon was floating in the dark serene night and I was helpless, I had nothing in my mind but only the calculations, replaying and living in flashback of the worst nightmare I could ever feel.
I knew that you didn't know the truth, I was doing some important work but you misunderstood if I was avoiding everyone, You wanted to sort it out but before that you chose to yell at me knowing nothing but just the lies. I never saw you that way, I never wanted to, it hurted to the core and it still aches from time to time, I bleed, Pain. The wounds are still fresh, but the layers above it are strong enough to take care of the new wounds over it.
I said nothing, You kept saying. That day, I felt something left my heart and went out for always leaving me behind. I was all happy, but the moment when you did that, It was all changed. There was some incompleteness in that complete day. I didn't know if you realized your fault or not, I didn't know why I wanted to stay away from you, I didn't know why I was praying and cherishing every memory we had but somewhere I knew that you will be feeling deep dead at your end because it was done unintentionally.
The text at 1:27 a.m. at night, , melted my heart. Those three words felt so sane at that time. I wish I could show you my vivacious smile, the pictures of the heavenly moon, showered zephyr on our bodies. I felt that, maybe you did too. But still I feel incomplete. I don't know about the theory, if there is any theory for this random feeling of feeling full and half at the same time.
But there was something stuck in my mind, those words were not words, they were blades for my heart. They hurted and haunted me for years. And I am still wandering to get over it.
In a random conversation when I'm asked about myself, I usually give the normal answers. You might be wondering what is normal? No? Superb, no mess.
But sometimes when I really dig deep for finding an answer for the question "Who I am", I feel pity, but not when I found the answers. So here's who I really am.
I'm the denied painting of an artist who tried his best to create a masterpiece, but ended up being a mess-piece. I'm the skipped song on people's playlist, I'm the gloomiest hour, the mourning hour for a family in the graveyard, I'm the last bite of a child who usually denies it as he is full. I'm the gift which is wrapped with the oldest wrapping paper, in a muggy box. I'm that weird wind-chime which produces stupid sounds so that people remove it in the end. I'm the one being gifted every year, I'm the book which is kept at the top of the rack, the ignored and the befould one. I'm a deadline for a person, they don't hurt me but break me in million pieces and shuffle them so that I could never be that beautiful frame which I was.
It's time to say a goodbye. I feel good to have found these answers, In these seventeen years, seven botulinum toxins received, three broken photo frames, and seven pieces of my ribs.
Sometimes I feel that this phrase "Good for nothing" perfectly suits me, but you know, this phrase makes me think always why one has to prove that he or she is good for something? Why can't we lead a life excluding the part proving our worth? Why the way we present and carry ourselves isn't enough to lead a peaceful life? But now it will pass too. //I feel sorry to those who heard my leaving too soon. It makes me wonder now, have I been in touch of so much sunset that I became the person who always say goodbye first? Or is this a facade I built unaware? Am I that traumatized to be left behind too often that I always look the other way? I want to utter that I miss the laugher on the crowd, the cheers before midnight, the thought of someone being there before going to sleep. I used to stay a lot before. I stay too much. I stay a little longer. I stay even at difficult times. I stayed. Now? You will see me as the first person who leaves the door the first time the bell rings, I say good bye just after dinner at the gatherings, I leave notes and say thanks at strangers before the golden, I do farewells as if they were my skincare. I do it. I do the leaving before they could fuck my pieces again—
It's been two years since I had this curiosity to explore this domain. So what I recently got to learn is that Magic .
I don't know if this is a good description for this amazing domain but I am not satisfied with this, because, definitions never had the power to please me. Magic is something as pure as a prayer. We believe in prayers blindly, and so in magic as well. Magic is believing the other person's intelligence to get us trapped into the tricks in no time. We are greatly influenced by the aura of magic, but little do we know about it. Even I don't know, but in this world of James Randi who made amazing magicians like David Copperfield, I love to be dumbfounded by these two souls, whom I have not came across but they cross my mind oftentimes.
, public speaker, actor, author, mentalist and illusionist. The youngest magician of India. His work is more magical than his eyes, though he is one of my favourite. I can talk for hours when it comes to them but very rarely I find people with my interests and that's good in a positive way, I get to know wonderful things by them which I never knew.
You got magic with him, it's true indeed. Not only his magic, the unexplored domains, like, Our own country's traditions, food, culture, why a specific state is famous, so so many things. I didn't know people like those are taking births but his birth has inspired me to start working from a younger age, to follow your passion from the very beginning without any guidance, just with your efforts, persistency and determination. (Ofc this is not a paid post :∆ )
, aka, Dynamo. Oh, I can't forget the day when I came back home after giving my 10th boards and that was the day when I got to see his magic for the first time, it was his tour in India and it captured my heart, he fell sick, he lost ways of living in a healthy way but he didn't lose the purpose of his life, Magic. He came back with Dynamo: Beyond Belief but he is still our crazy magician impossible. He taught me one of the best lessons of life, after his performance he left the place as soon as possible, he wasn't proud, he wanted people to react comfortably, it taught me that we don't have to put efforts for appreciations, we have to put efforts for achieving our holy grail.
anush18I won't be here for a couple of days or maybe more
morosingvice_Hey sorry for being late. Just wanna say that if you ever want to talk to someone, I'm here, you know right. So please don't think that you're alone in anything. Don't deal with any burden alone in your life at all.
morosingvice_Sorry actually, i am down under cold and migraine. So didn't got the chance to talk to you. But please, if you consider me a friend, then please share what's eating you up.
morosingvice_It's alright, take your time. You mental health should be your first priority A.
morosingvice_Just remember, I'm there if you ever wanna talk about anything.
//oh how easy it is to slip on this shapeless, humming loneliness until it takes the form of my skin. i'm a forsaken deity, learning to come to terms with what's left of her ruins. the world goes on spinning. restless as my thoughts, yet immobile as feet. it goes on spinning — leaving, never slowing itself down for anyone.//
I was very close to healing, You came and played again With my feeling.
In all those fake promises, You gave me empty premises.
I was leaving the graveyard, You rooted out the plants in my yard.
Seeds, still to born. Love, still to bloom. I, still to ache. You, still to break. Us, still to separate.
I was very close to healing, You very very close to leaving.
I was very close to dying, You were very close to surmise my death.
I was a sunset person, You made me a sunset. An omen, bad. Hope, I had.
Avalanche, swept me to death. Snows, you loved them, didn't you?
I remember you said that , but I had a different opinion. Maybe I can be a river because I am not still, but you are a river, even when you are not flowing. We are meant to be on the opposites. I am walking in a haze, haze of false notions. We were the same river, flowing in the opposite directions. I promised not to write you goodbye poem or tear-jerking proses, not even a single line I might keep forever buried deep inside my heart but I couldn't stop. I was hallucinating, about us. I didn't realise when did this US ended up in YOU & ME, but it's okay. I can't run away from this fact that I always write your name on the bark of the oak tree under which we used to weave our uninterrupted world but then all the threads tangled, and you escaped from the tangled threads but woefully, I got stuck there, and with your memories, heart heavy, lips chapped, eyes swollen, ears deaf...
I promised that I would just let you go, that you would not hear me asking why, but I keep chanting those questions as if they are my prayers and you're my god. God? I never believed on god but the time when you were in the hospital, I prayed, I prayed for you, that was the least I could do. I don't blame gods for my doomed fate, but I don't blame myself either.
I promised that I would never write for someone's leaving again, but the metaphors felt like blades over my skin. One day I'll see this world in a different way, when I will not have this guilt of losing someone to whom I shared every grey painting etched on my heart but ironically, the grey hues are not as hurting as your memories embedded in the membranes alive. They ask me if I am okay in the threads but no one dared to take me out of that world, but, now, I have given up.
shrey2310@anush18 ah, hah That's too much for me, I'm good being just another writer :")
shrey2310Heh sending n deleting msgs, huh? Hehe, I'm fine, i read that msg. Tbh I'm in writer's block maybe. Don't worry I'll write soon. Also hey, you don't have someone to tell you "Write" cuz you're not a good writers? Never say that, not to anyone, not to yourself too. No one can decide who is a good or bad writer. It's just that, writing is something that requires time, just wait I'm sure you'll be a great writer :") Dw, next time se mai hi WRITE WRITE ka spam kar dunga
anush18@shrey2310 i thought you won't reply. And there was something that was irritating me so i ended up deleting. Yes, that's it. It's writers block and it's common.
Yes, there are so many reasons to agree on this fact. Yeah, I don't say it on a regular basis but you know I somehow know that I ain't a good one and I don't wanna be.
I don't want to advertise my feelings for pods, it's good to have such a lovely audience but the ones which are raw and straight from my heart, I think no one should read it and they end up being in my drafts or sometimes I delete them.
Thank you so much for your words. But you know what I write is nothing but just an expression of my complex feelings which I rarely tell anyone else. (Additionally, it's shit )
You're so sweet and funny :∆
shrey2310@anush18 tbh i get that, you're not in the phase i guess. I used to save my raw writeups in drafts too, even now i do but then i thought okay let's try some proses and ntng helped me more than penning raw emotions to me, so i thought okay let's post. However it's all personal opinion, some may like it, some may not.