When I wanted to grow up
When I wanted to grow up, I wanted to take trips around the world. Ride my time like, my time was a surfboard, parading atop monstrous waves of words. Describe in beautiful details, my dreams of the most magnificent world's, worlds.
When I wanted to grow up, how often I would find myself terribly bored. Not allowed any freedom whilst being screamed at about not keeping myself busy. Stuck in thoughts of the mundane and even, thoughts of running away; never realizing how I should cherish the paused moment of breath, of loneliness with every sip of ignorance, from every dingy Tupperware cup. No words can tell how much I miss the days of not understanding how different my world was.
When I wanted to grow up, what I wanted to be, never paid any mind to someone's stale, loveless bank account. I never wanted people to spend money on me because I was always told there wasn't any. Not even money to feed me. I never frowned because that little girl didn't realize yet, just how badly she'd already been beaten down.
When I wanted to grow up… I wanted to be a mommy. I desperately wanted to give a child everything I was never shown. Wanted to love them like, a love I had never known. See them grow. See them smile, knowing I had not followed suit and, carried with me, the dark side of the family stone.
When I wanted to grow up I wanted to be a mermaid, to be beautiful and, for people to not, when looking at me, only see what I had been through. I wanted to live in a place where these treacherous humans didn't go. Where everyone didn't hate me. Where I wasn't just a fool; a tool only there to fill adult shoes. Shoes that I had no business trying to fill, in the first goddamn place. Where all of the things that tortured me, couldn't follow.
When I wanted to grow old, I wanted love, to be loved, to love like nothing the span of the cosmos had EVER KNOWN. I wanted to do good, to be good, to teach goodness to every living creature I encountered… Wanted to show it possible to others, something I had never been shown. Wanted the world to reap what goodness I had sewn and, how to carry and make gifts of their own.
When I wanted to grow old, I wanted to look back on my life and, know that, I had left this world in a better state than I had found. That I did what I could to make my moments profound, to make them all count. To never bring others down the dark paths that I had so often myself, wandered down.
Here I am, all grown up and, halfway to old. I try to live boldly like, no other who's known me. I share compliments and courage and try never to discourage. And yet, I don't feel like I've flourished. Don't feel like a success, or like I've thwarted some scourge. I haven't saved anyone and my best feels like it was nothing. And… The closest I'll ever come to being a beautiful mermaid, is when they sprinkle my carbon back into the sea. That's the day that, I'll be the best me that, I'll ever be.