A wrenched feeling where your heart feels like it’s going to burst open, split your chest; a feeling where you feel indescribable pain in a place you can’t really identify; a feeling of loneliness, of standing still on a railway platform while all others constantly move around you.
Nothing you eat satisfies your hunger, nothing you drink satiates your thirst; no amount of re runs of comedy filled shows make you laugh. The worst of all headaches makes a permanent home in your head - where your mind feels like it’s about to explode……. Just about sums up LOSS.
My grandmother, my pillar of strength, and my best friend was taken away from me 8 years ago and it completely shook my center. I thought I’d lost my way. Loneliness and constant pain became a part of my existence. Although I knew that she was in a better place rather than suffer a prolonged painful death, my only grudge was that I couldn’t say goodbye, couldn’t tell her how much she meant to me, how much I loved her.
It took me about 2 years before finally finding the strength to open up about it. Slowly I patched up my life’s pieces again and tried very hard to return to my new normal, but something always felt amiss.
6 years after her passing , I decided that the only way I would ever make peace with the fact that she could not be around anymore , yet make her a part of my life forever was to have a memory of her tattooed onto me. That way I would know that she was a part of me, my life forever .
While I was browsing one day, I came across a picture of a delicate dandelion blowing in the wind with a few seeds drifting off in the air and then from them a pair of birds emerging and flying into the great wide . The minute I saw it , it was as though a miracle happened- I started feeling better almost immediately. It was like her leaving yet staying with me had suddenly been put onto paper.
I had it tattooed onto me within a month and finally felt a sense of calm, a peace that I had not felt in years. She was with me and she was here to stay .
I know today and take comfort in the fact that she will walk with me always..... she may not be here in a physical form but I will carry her along in the tattoo on my ankle , a picture that both represents her delicate , selfless being and her attaining freedom from the cycle of life .
I know I'll never be able to find someone who will love me as unconditionally as she did and so I will remain eternally grateful to her for being a part of me, for changing and moulding me.
She is missed everyday , never forgotten and will be carried with me to my grave.
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