you know i'm lying there, because i'm screaming, screaming with all that i've got, but you don't know better, because you cover my mouth and hush me with why i mustn't be wailing, and if you knew better, i know i'd be wrapped in a sheet, with my shivering hands in hands full of warmth, and would be looking at eyes that are way hurt than i am, for causing me grief.
and while i look at you, for what you could be and not what you are, i blink back to fall into a dark pit, one that takes me through a few moments in time. the first i see, is a sight that has me laughing uncontrollably to the point that i can't see anyone else around, although it's the peak hour, and the ground is full of half-exhausted people. it kills me to realise that when you're with me, my gaze refuses to leave sight of you. the following night, i think if i'm all you think about, when you're smiling to yourself.
unable to stand the hurt i've caused myself, i blink away to recall another memory. this one's from back then, when i knew that my heart hasn't ever raced like this, upon seeing anyone else across my gate in all the years i've grown up to be a woman. i knew it wouldn't last a second, i knew that a single glance at each other, is all we would get, and yet that day taught me that there's nothing purer than shy love, one in which there's timidity and love, all the same, more than regret, of not being able to cross the gate and hold hands.
i know i shouldn't have come here, my eyes have begun to swell, although they aren't tired of watching me break my own heart for you, over and again. nevertheless, you know, i was panting that day, it was as if my heart was in my mouth, i had to beat time, weather and my mum's radar but i knew that showing up unexpectedly, just to see your expressionless face, i was well aware that i would get no reaction, but i knew it would be all worth it, even if it didn't last for any longer than a handful of minutes. now, when i look back, i know what i didn't see, i know what i turned a blind eye to.
i think i know why it's all coming back to me, i think i know why i feel like a volcano, that has been erupting yet has the lava trapped within. i guess it doesn't ever get over in a jiffy, and nobody ever gets accustomed to it. perhaps we wait, we wait for it to get big, and bigger and we wait for a strike, to let it all out. i remember the feeling that came along with loving you, it was like living life on the edge, on the edge of a rope that i knew would break. i didn't know you to be the man you've become, i didn't know you to be the one to be still, while you've turned another's world upside down.
i knew your world was different from that of mine, but i thought i was ready to give up mine, to live in yours, and i did just that. but, guess who decided to show me that my love was too sweet, and my tears too many. i fell too hard, and hit all my senses at once but i thought you'd care, i thought you'd sigh, thought you'd wail. fire in my veins, fire in my heart, a storm you can't stop, madness you can't tame, never imagined to say this, but you'll never see me cry, you'll never see me cry.
You know, there's a song in my playlist, that's stayed there for years now. It's the song I skip all the time, and tell myself - not today, just not today. My thumb hovers over the play button as my mind whispers "Don't go there, not again", I clutch my fist in dismay and lay back on the pillow.
A few white threads on the sheet take me back to a distant memory. "Why won't you look me in the eye, hey, are you blushing? Your cheeks look flushed!" "I'm certainly far from blu-- " I burst into giggles. "Stop playing with those threads, look at me, will you?" "I'm going to close my eyes and play a song, lie down with me, and listen, and maybe, just maybe, I'd look into your eyes."
My phone vibrated on my palm and I suddenly sat up to realise that my face had gone warm from a couple of tears sliding down my cheek. I wiped them with my hand, without paying much heed to the all the itch on my arm from all that silver I run on it.
I lay back and repeat your words in my mind, whilst I absent mindedly scratch my arm. Of all that was said and done, my mind would usually go back to why you caused the damage you did. But today, I wanted you to overburden me with all that you could.
You remind me of that song, because you make me feel the need to walk past you and look past you. You make me feel weak in the bones. My heart has never felt more compelled than what you make it feel for forcing my body to zone out, lest I hear you.
I am cursed with a heart like this, so I'll look away in silence, whilst I pretend that my heart is not heavy and my cup is not full.
It wasn't too late that evening, when I rushed past dogs barking under a full moon sky. I knew my new hair tie was not of the right size, and the wind, somehow, insisted on proving it. Not that I like mumbling and cursing under my nose, but the weather catching me off guard, every single time, gets it out of me.
I only kept thinking how sadistic it was of the entire universe conspiring to continuously sprinkle dust into my eyes, whilst obviously turning a blind eye to my henna clad hands. Blinking more than I ever have, was my only refuge. I blinked until it got hazy and I could no longer see. I, so wish it would have stayed that way, for longer.
Before I could blink another time, my eyes froze at familiarity. I do not remember feeling a moment last for longer than what it does, until one sight changed it all. My stomach churned at the mere sight of your presence, and I felt my beat palpitating after what seems like years, but my eyes, I would still blame the wind in my eyes for making me tear from refusing to blink.
If that glimpse was perhaps, a puzzle consisting of a hundred thousand pieces, I would still be able to piece your brows, every inch of your beard and all of your fingers holding the phone, together without needing to look back again. Our shoulders haven't rubbed past each other in seventy months, yet, the air everywhere, but around you, wrapped itself in bokeh and turned to haze.
It is as if I could hear the universe whisper defeat in my ears, and maybe it did, afterall show me why we haven't crossed paths in so long. This heart of mine, is full of fear and hope all the same, igniting a flame in the name of awaiting love that has never been promised in my name and extinguishing it with pails of pain.
Now that the only prayer, I've been chanting on my lips, has been moulded to fit into nine seconds of reality, I realise that, a soul that tirelessly tends to shattered pieces of broken love, asking for it to be sewn up again, a prayer like that, when granted, the consequences of it, the heart will not for a moment, be able to bear.