I write.

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  • nabanita_baruah 161w

    1. I find a rose petal inside my diary
    your name slightly carved on it
    with small letters and less gaps
    between your name. I wonder how
    it has not scrapped out, while you escaped.

    2. I see dandelions start to fall off
    on the streets of Laredo, and roses
    from the other side of it; and I seem
    to stop for a moment, to differentiate
    between them. It's been weeks we didn't
    speak. I wish to dial your number and
    speak to you. That how I am not able
    to differentiate between them.
    What did you do to me?

    3. I see colours beautifully blending
    into each other while I paint a poem
    and a rainbow for you.

    4. I know you are not around
    but I hear soft whispers;
    humming lullabies when I
    am too tired to move and
    breathe. The last time we spoke,
    I could hear sobs from the other
    side of the call; slow deep breaths,
    and pain radiating inside of us.


  • nabanita_baruah 165w

    Goodbyes are hard. It takes away a part of us that we want to hold onto till the sun sets, and our hearts beat. Goodbyes leave a void inside of us, that we do every possible thing to fill up. But it still feels empty, and hollow. May be, this void is meant to stay till the sun sets, and our hearts beat.

    I knew you would leave, but I held onto you. I knew I was slipping through your cracks, but you pulled me closer; you did smell like lavender and cigarettes, and love, I could not resist.

    You felt like home. You did.

    Not everytime when I looked into your hazel eyes, I thought you were broken. But as you used to light the cigarette, I could see your smile fading away from the corner of my eyes. I could find a hint of sadness in your eyes, and I knew I could never heal you, and you would leave. I tell you, it's all in the eyes.

    It is already two in the morning, and I cannot help but wonder if you still think of me when you are too tired and you need someone to talk to. I wonder if you think of me when you get lost in the crowd, or cry yourself to sleep. Because I do.

    I knew you were a train wreck, but I did not know you were too good at goodbyes.

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    "I was slipping through your cracks, but you pulled me closer; you did smell like lavender and cigarettes, and love, I could not resist.

    You felt like home. You did."


  • nabanita_baruah 167w

    We have become colourless in our own way ever since we drifted apart. I thought eventually I'd let you go, but your voice still plays in my head like a song; I cannot find the pause button.

    I couldn't believe my eyes when the last time I saw you at a coffee shop. You were never a coffee person. "A pot of black coffee, without sugar!"
    Your eyes don't flicker anymore, while you talk about things you love. You are, still not a coffee person.

    I walked towards you, in a spurt of longingness to hold you. The last time I held your hand, you were slipping through my fingers. Slowly and then all at once.

    I did evade through the gaps between us, and I let you drift away from my cold embrace. I thought I'd eventually let go of you, but some things stay; Scars that are still raw, the last laugh and how the laughs turned into silences, drifting us apart. Slowly and then all at once.

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    "Your voice still plays in my head like a song; I cannot find the pause button."


  • nabanita_baruah 168w

    Carrying a heavy heart
    I dwell in the cave of suffocation
    I cannot but resist the flow of nothingness in me
    I say to myself, take it how you want
    For I need to survive this
    Though I want to get away.


  • nabanita_baruah 173w

    "I look at the picture, hanging on the wall. I remember you left, and I am trying to find you everywhere, and in every person I meet. Your blood stained clothes still occupy a place inside my wardrobe; only place we exist together."

    Suicide isn't a solution.

    And, yes we all deserve a goodbye.

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    I had a feeling of despair when you walked away,
    a little anticipation of wanting to know why you left;
    I decided to stay quiet, filled up with utmost anger.

    Cold winds, and gloomy sunsets;
    I feel, and witness it all, alone
    I decide to stay quiet when people around bring up your name, with a hint of sadness in their eyes,
    I tell myself it is okay to walk away and vanish into the thin air when your calling comes.

    I cannot remember the last time I heard myself cry;
    the tears on pillows have dried now,
    I have locked myself into a room full of nothing, but walls
    where I exist, and your smell;
    memories of us are fading away, and I cannot keep them intact,
    I wonder what I shall do when your smell fades away.

    Numbness consumes me, when I see your blood stained clothes,
    I kept them inside my wardrobe, safe and sound;
    a kind reminder to myself how I could not keep you safe with me.

    I have a feeling that I cannot be healed in a way you wanted me to,
    As I am lost with no way out of this shell, no place to begin.


  • nabanita_baruah 173w

    I cannot write anymore. I think I am forgetting to write. May be, I've lost it all. Or it is just that, I am healed in a way that i couldn't have. I am starting to feel a river of joy flowing through my mind. Or may be, it is the beginning of some sorrows that will last longer than it should.
    I sit back, and think how I cannot write happy. I am reading a book named Kafka on the Shore; I love reading Murakami's works, no doubt. Suddenly I stop for a while, look at my dad who is busy working, I tell him I cannot write, and I do not know why. He looks back at me and raises his eyebrows. "Write what you feel. It is not necessary that whatever you write should make sense to you, or someone else."

    Read More

    "A little too much,
    I am willing to write to you again,
    For it would make me sad and unloved,
    As I cannot write happy."


  • nabanita_baruah 176w

    I don't know if this makes any sense! ._.

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    I let you drift away; setting you free, for
    i am caged
    with wrong doings and sweet nothings
    with suffocated insecurities

    fall in love, i say
    without me
    for i am caged
    with false hopes
    circling around my whole being

    a little damaged, a little alive
    but fall in love, i say
    and break your hearts
    for this is what counts in the end

    every part of you craves for love
    do not refrain, it suffocates a lot

    I let you drift away, for
    i am caged
    with the idea of perfection.


  • nabanita_baruah 176w

    Not 'always'.

    The clock strikes twelve, and
    the raindrops fall on the window pane
    and suddenly you cross my mind,
    you know, you bring melancholic memories with you
    whenever you knock at the corners of my head
    this is what you do to me even when you are not around
    but i laugh it off

    I laugh it off, for i no more think of you always
    I no more write to you always
    you are gone, and i am moving on
    laughing everything off,
    whatever is now left in bits and pieces
    i am dropping them all off.

    Sometimes, i do think of you
    when i accidentally make coffee for two
    and call your name when i cannot find my socks
    you are stuck around me, and i still laugh it off
    I no more hold on to you always
    not always, i make coffee for two and cry,
    thinking of you

    I knew, not always
    you would be around
    so i laugh it off, again

    Not always, i hear my sobs echoing and re echoing
    for you are gone, i know
    and i am moving on.


  • nabanita_baruah 180w

    I just couldn't write more...

    Hello! Hi. :)

    Read More

    Not everytime when I saw you
    I thought you were broken
    And a damaged person, but
    When I saw you for the first time
    Holding a cigarette, and looking for a lighter
    You approached me, I stepped back saying I didn't have one.

    You smiled and said it was your twenty first cigarette, I scratched my head
    And sighed.
    When you touched me,
    I felt I was still alive, I realized
    I was someone longing for my missing part.

    I didn't know it was love that I was looking for
    And I didn't know later i became just a lighter to your cigarette.


  • nabanita_baruah 191w

    I wish.

    You walked past me
    As if I was nobody
    I died a thousand deaths
    In that one minute
    I wish I could tell you.

    In the library, in crowds
    I searched for one single face
    And that was you
    Your one glance, and
    I would rise again, I knew
    I wish I could tell you.

    The way you looked up at those shooting stars
    I thought it was about us,
    You always wished for
    Now when you have proved me wrong
    I seek for reasons, and
    Answers within me
    I wish I could tell you.

    I see the old me in you, I say
    For I am healed now
    I have you on my mind
    To think of, at night
    I wish I could tell you.

    I wish you never know
    How I spend my nights writing
    About you,
    To forget you, and
    Remember you, at the same time.