Quotes and poetry by orchid0205

Wasn't love

The relationship we had was an experiment
The love we shared wasn't there
Like a hallucination, an illusion
Shown to trick its victim
That victim was me, my heart
I truly had feelings for you, felt strong emotions I hadn't felt in so long
You felt the same, our feelings were mutual
At least I thought, I believed
In the end, I'm heartbroken
I'm miserable, I'm unhappy
Have you ever been repeatedly heartbroken
Given hope that this time is different
We're gonna make it to forever
It's not gonna be like the past
But, it does
It happens again... And again... And again
Just an endless cycle of false hope
Broken wishes, trampled expectations, bruised faith
Opening your heart just to have it beaten
Blown to bits, crushed into tiny pieces
For what?
To try and feel love
To want someone to love
To want to be loved
Why?
It's the same outcome
The same destination
Heartbreak
Torment over if it was my fault
Anguish that I fell for such lies
The same stories told with different stars
You didn't even give us a true chance
No one is perfect, not you, not me
We didn't even last till our second anniversary
You didn't let us last, let us have a future
I thought we had a love to cherish
A fondness for each other
Mutual affection to last to forever
To a future of love and support
I was wrong
It wasn't mutual affection
It wasn't fondness
There was no warmth
No support
Because if it was you would still be here
You wouldn't have given up
You would have fought
It was just an experience
A lesson to be learned
Because even though I loved you
For you what we had
Wasn't love
3/21/22 1:38am
©orchid0205

orchid0205 10w

My grief

Its always there, always around
I try to block it out, lock it away
Yet it never leaves, never goes away
Sometimes it hurts, it stings
I can feel the pain, the anguish
Its been months, even years
It's still there, it's still hurting
I thought it left, it would stay gone
However, I was wrong
Just keep remembering, replaying over and over
Like a mantra in my head
'What if' and 'if only' all-day
My only escape is to push it away with distractions
My grief is suffocating me
I can feel myself drowning in an ocean of regret
An endless tunnel keeping me from reaching her
No matter what I do I'm reminded of what I didn't do
Of the horrible mistake I made, the consequence of my error
It's my fault, my negligence
I know it in my heart
I can feel the pain of that carelessness
My grief stays bottled to stop the pain
Yet it hurts worse when it gets out
My heart hurts, my chest hurts
Why
Why does it still hurt
Why is it harming me
Is it karma from my idiocy
That's the only reason I can think of
Its payback for the stupidity
My grief controls my thoughts
Changes what I think, what I believe
I'm unstable, emotionally damaged
I can't handle this pain, this damage
My thoughts turn bad, dangerous
I can't control them, control the anguish I feel
The emotions I have, that I have to deal with
Who would care, would believe me
I'm in pain, I'm distressed, irritated
But where is everyone
My grief has no end, no limit
It's supposed to go away over time
Supposed to settle, not be painful
How much is too lengthy
Three years, four
It's been four years
Four agonizing years of suffering
No one knows or cares
No one understands, pays attention
My grief makes me angry
Mad at the world, the universe
Irritated at life, at the limitations
Furious with myself, with my mind
Even my sanity
Irritated with my breakdowns
I'm hateful towards everything
My grief, my suffering
Causes my breakdowns at a remembrance of then
My breakdowns hurt, causes me pain
Anguish and agony
I feel it in my heart, in my chest
Who would help, who would care
It's just my grief
3/16/22
12:30 am
©orchid0205

orchid0205 23w

My hate

Isn't towards anybody or anything
It's not because of trivial matter
It's eternal, eternal hate that builds
I dont hate anyone
I dont hate anything
I hate myself
Self-hate is a big thing I believe
It can lead to a lot of things
It can start from a lot of things
My self-hate is different
It's just been there as I grew up
Always lurking in the shadows
Hiding in the darkness waiting to strike
Anyone would look at me and ask why
'Why do you hate yourself?'
'How did this start?'
Do I need a reason to hate myself
Do I have to tell some bullshit answer
A lie that you will believe and try to fix
I dont have a reason
Who would like me anyway
I'm an idiot
A brainless person who shouldn't be here
Everything around me turns bad
Everyone around me struggles
How could anyone live like that
Live with a person so infuriating
My self-hate was never something that just developed
It was always with me before I realized it
If I wasn't such a coward
Such a weakling I would have listened to it years ago
It told me everyone would be better if I was gone
I'm making everyone miserable with my existence
But I'm such a wimp I chickened out of saying goodbye
I regret it every day
Wondering how much happier life would have been for those I loved if I was gone
I never belonged here, I was never supposed to stay here
There is no place on this earth for me anymore
The only place left to go is to the ground
That's a fitting place for such a lowlife like me
My hate is the only thing that understands me
It knows exactly where I belong
It knows all I've done wrong, all my weaknesses
The only judge that can give me the proper sentencing for someone like me
I can't even be called a human being
My existence is the root of all hardships they suffered
Me being a burden caused so many to suffer from my inadequacy in life
The consequence of living all these years
For not listening when I had the chance to save everyone from such miseries
My hate made the warnings very clear if I didn't listen
Now everyone lives in a nightmare
There is only one way I could apologize for my sins
To finish what I couldn't all those years ago
If only I would have heeded the warnings none of this would have happened
My hate was right all along
You cant fix the unfixable
12/16/21
5:18am
©orchid0205

orchid0205 28w

Tierd

I'm tired
I'm tired of the arguments
The misunderstood
Not being heard
I'm tired of it all
Of the emotional issues
The baggage in my closet
I'm just sick of it
No one said life was so infuriating
So tiring all the time
I would have oft out of it
Stopped from the beginning
What's the point of it
I dont understand anymore
I dont think I ever understood
This is just not for me
I dont know how to do this
I've tried
I'm still trying
Now I'm done
Now I'm tired of trying
I'm tired of putting in effort
I'm just tired of it all
I would say that this is being me again
But it's worse than that
Worse than trying to figure out me
I used to joke that I was a supernatural
They are so cool
I want to be one
At least I know more about them
I dont understand humans
I dont get being human
Why is being human so hard
I'm not even good at it
I'm done with it
I wish I could be something different
I doubt that would help though
I have a lot of pent up issues
Issues with no outlet
Just stuck
I feel like I'm trapped
And no matter what I do I'm just stuck
No one hears me, no one listens
I'm just tired of it all
What do you do when you're tired of everything
What happens next
I wish I knew
Because I'm tired of everything
Of being human
Of being me
Of living
I'm sick of being unhappy
Of crying
Of the internal pain
The constant battle with myself
I'm tired of it
All of this is exhausting
Dealing with all this is truly depleting
And now my energy has depleted
I would care less about any and everything
But I cant
No matter how tired I am
How exhausted and depleted I feel
Life doesn't care
Society doesn't care
No one cares
Sometimes I go back
Back to those dark days
Just to think, think about everything
Sometimes old thoughts come back
Bad thoughts, harmful thoughts
I sometimes want to end it all
Just leave forever
Even if it doesn't help anyone
But that's tiring to
Everything is exhausting
11/9/21
1:58pm
©orchid0205

orchid0205 29w

Dear mom

I know I'm a handful
I know I'm not the best child at times
But I want you to know that I love you
Dear mom
You're last few birthdays I was M.I.A
Nowhere to be seen
Only a text with a happy birthday to my name
Dear mom
We all had our ups and downs but you stuck around
Around all my misjudgments and accusations
I dont know if I've ever said it through all these years
But... I'm sorry
Sorry for the heartbreak I caused
Sorry for the tears I made fall
Dear mom
I'll make this promise to ease that pain
That pain I caused years ago
I'll always say 'I Love You' no matter what
I'll try to put always put a smile on your face
I'll make sure you feel my love
Dear mom
Even though I live far now
I'll always love you
And you'll always be one of my backbones
I have to moms forever and always
And I'm glad that one of them is you
Dear mom
You hold the second mom card
I only need you as my second mom
No one else can ever replace you in my heart or my mind
Dear mom
You are the only other mom ill accept
You've earned that title a long time ago
And it will be yours forever
Dear mom
Please always be by my side
Love, Orchidwinters
11/3/21
1:54 pm
©orchid0205

orchid0205 39w

True confessions

Are sometimes overlooked
Sometimes ignored
It's a little heartbreaking
Spending hours, even days building ur courage
Taking the time to find the perfect way to confess
Time to make the confession romantic
Putting your heart out there for the taking
Showing all your feelings and emotions
Only to be ignored or dismissed
True confessions are hard to find
Some people nowadays use fake confessions
Luring an unsuspecting victim into their trap
Just for fun, for a bet, for their own selfish reasons
Not thinking of the pain it would cause
Fake confessions aren't funny
Just like true confessions aren't funny either
Messing with someone's heart isn't cool
It's hard to confess when you've been hurt
When you've been taken as a joke
Your feelings laughed at
It's agonizing how much it happens
Leaving those who dared to confess
Dared to take a chance on love
To suffer heartaches, suffer the backlash
Those are the bad cases, the ones that suffer silently
Till the right person comes along
The one that's not like the others
They listen to your feelings
Understand the courage it took
The extent to put it together
There are people like this
And while true confessions aren't given a chance sometimes
It helps make you into a better you
©orchid0205

orchid0205 40w

Goodbyes

No one really likes goodbyes
Many valid justifications to feel like so
Some may be personal
Others just based on meaning
Maybe just prefer something else
Usually, it's associated with sadness
Having to leave someone behind
Probably not gonna see that person again
Nowadays people dont really use goodbye
Most people say bye when leaving others
Some say it to have inner peace
For many reasons we are bound to say it
Only we can make byes not be forever
©orchid0205

orchid0205 40w

Dear future

This being sent has a deeper meaning than you think
I have things I want to tell you
Feelings I want to show you
But... I'm scared to
I dont know if ill tell you
I've been hurt before
Many times before
If you ask ill tell you
I made a book for you
A book full of things about me
Things I can't tell you
Dear future
The time I'm writing this is way before I met you
Because you are hopefully my future
A future I've been longing for since my first heartbreak
There are many secrets to knowing me
Many secrets to understanding me
This poem is like a letter to you
So many things I've made for when I meet you
Various ways created to express my feelings for you
Vocally I can't and never will be able to
Actions speak louder than words
For me, it's different
Writing speaks volumes
Volumes of emotions I cant say
All feelings are in a poem
When I meet you, ill be a little shy at first
Seeing if you'd be like the others
My future
I dont think I could handle another heartbreak
Pain isn't an emotion I handle well
I'm a little new to relationships
My past ones never lasted long
It always ended before it truely began
There will be walls put up in front of my heart
Just know seeing this means you've broken some
You'll break the rest over time
Because im guarded and shy
'THE KEY' shall be of help
For 'The Key' is the way
The door to the answers you seek
©orchid0205

orchid0205 40w

Boundaries

Are extremely important in life
Without it, the world would be more chaotic
More violent to live in
Doesn't matter if its platonic, intimate, or professional
Everyone should have boundaries
Barriers that keeps people from going to far
A way to slowly know your limits
The secret way of seeing who actually cares about you
Those who dont respect your boundaries
Refuse to understand the limitations
Denying acceptance of your comfortability
You're not wrong for having boundaries
Wrong for setting barriers to protect yourself
It's not abnormal to expect respect for your limits
We have boundaries for a reason
No matter whats the reason
Boundaries should always be respected
©orchid0205

orchid0205 40w

What matters

A genuine question people ask themselves
There are so many answers to such a question
Wrong answers and right answers
While everyone has their own answers
Some would probably say money, wealth
Others jewelry, handbags, shoes
Everyone has their own opinion when thinking about it
All answers should be respected even if you disagree
Personally, I would disagree with those answers
For me, it would be a more deeper meaning
What matters is memories with your loved ones
Spending time with your family and friends
The people you love and who love you
Life is short, everyday someone is dying
Life is an unfair test we can't outrun
Valuing things that have no meaning is wasteful
Memories last forever, materials dont
When we leave memories to stay with us
The materials get left behind
Many people put more worth into other things
Leaving their family with nothing but sadness
Only to regret it when times get tough
When things go bad, people get sick
Worst case when they are taken from us
No one wants that longing and feeling of regret
What matters?
When you truly think hard about it
It's not that difficult of a question
There are two paths to take
Family or worldly
Each path has its own trials and risks
They both have consequences for what you choose
Whether someone agrees or not
There is no wrong answer
Its your opinion
What matters to you
©orchid0205