orchid0205

i also write stories on an app called wattpad my username is orchidwinters

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  • orchid0205 9w

    Wasn't love

    The relationship we had was an experiment
    The love we shared wasn't there
    Like a hallucination, an illusion
    Shown to trick its victim
    That victim was me, my heart
    I truly had feelings for you, felt strong emotions I hadn't felt in so long
    You felt the same, our feelings were mutual
    At least I thought, I believed
    In the end, I'm heartbroken
    I'm miserable, I'm unhappy
    Have you ever been repeatedly heartbroken
    Given hope that this time is different
    We're gonna make it to forever
    It's not gonna be like the past
    But, it does
    It happens again... And again... And again
    Just an endless cycle of false hope
    Broken wishes, trampled expectations, bruised faith
    Opening your heart just to have it beaten
    Blown to bits, crushed into tiny pieces
    For what?
    To try and feel love
    To want someone to love
    To want to be loved
    Why?
    It's the same outcome
    The same destination
    Heartbreak
    Torment over if it was my fault
    Anguish that I fell for such lies
    The same stories told with different stars
    You didn't even give us a true chance
    No one is perfect, not you, not me
    We didn't even last till our second anniversary
    You didn't let us last, let us have a future
    I thought we had a love to cherish
    A fondness for each other
    Mutual affection to last to forever
    To a future of love and support
    I was wrong
    It wasn't mutual affection
    It wasn't fondness
    There was no warmth
    No support
    Because if it was you would still be here
    You wouldn't have given up
    You would have fought
    It was just an experience
    A lesson to be learned
    Because even though I loved you
    For you what we had
    Wasn't love
    3/21/22 1:38am
    ©orchid0205

  • orchid0205 10w

    My grief

    Its always there, always around
    I try to block it out, lock it away
    Yet it never leaves, never goes away
    Sometimes it hurts, it stings
    I can feel the pain, the anguish
    Its been months, even years
    It's still there, it's still hurting
    I thought it left, it would stay gone
    However, I was wrong
    Just keep remembering, replaying over and over
    Like a mantra in my head
    'What if' and 'if only'  all-day
    My only escape is to push it away with distractions
    My grief is suffocating me
    I can feel myself drowning in an ocean of regret
    An endless tunnel keeping me from reaching her
    No matter what I do I'm reminded of what I didn't do
    Of the horrible mistake I made, the consequence of my error
    It's my fault, my negligence
    I know it in my heart
    I can feel the pain of that carelessness
    My grief stays bottled to stop the pain
    Yet it hurts worse when it gets out
    My heart hurts, my chest hurts
    Why
    Why does it still hurt
    Why is it harming me
    Is it karma from my idiocy
    That's the only reason I can think of
    Its payback for the stupidity
    My grief controls my thoughts
    Changes what I think, what I believe
    I'm unstable, emotionally damaged
    I can't handle this pain, this damage
    My thoughts turn bad, dangerous
    I can't control them, control the anguish I feel
    The emotions I have, that I have to deal with
    Who would care, would believe me
    I'm in pain, I'm distressed, irritated
    But where is everyone
    My grief has no end, no limit
    It's supposed to go away over time
    Supposed to settle, not be painful
    How much is too lengthy
    Three years, four
    It's been four years
    Four agonizing years of suffering
    No one knows or cares
    No one understands, pays attention
    My grief makes me angry
    Mad at the world, the universe
    Irritated at life, at the limitations
    Furious with myself, with my mind
    Even my sanity
    Irritated with my breakdowns
    I'm hateful towards everything
    My grief, my suffering
    Causes my breakdowns at a remembrance of then
    My breakdowns hurt, causes me pain
    Anguish and agony
    I feel it in my heart, in my chest
    Who would help, who would care
    It's just my grief
    3/16/22
    12:30 am
    ©orchid0205

  • orchid0205 23w

    My hate

    Isn't towards anybody or anything
    It's not because of trivial matter
    It's eternal, eternal hate that builds
    I dont hate anyone
    I dont hate anything
    I hate myself
    Self-hate is a big thing I believe
    It can lead to a lot of things
    It can start from a lot of things
    My self-hate is different
    It's just been there as I grew up
    Always lurking in the shadows
    Hiding in the darkness waiting to strike
    Anyone would look at me and ask why
    'Why do you hate yourself?'
    'How did this start?'
    Do I need a reason to hate myself
    Do I have to tell some bullshit answer
    A lie that you will believe and try to fix
    I dont have a reason
    Who would like me anyway
    I'm an idiot
    A brainless person who shouldn't be here
    Everything around me turns bad
    Everyone around me struggles
    How could anyone live like that
    Live with a person so infuriating
    My self-hate was never something that just developed
    It was always with me before I realized it
    If I wasn't such a coward
    Such a weakling I would have listened to it years ago
    It told me everyone would be better if I was gone
    I'm making everyone miserable with my existence
    But I'm such a wimp I chickened out of saying goodbye
    I regret it every day
    Wondering how much happier life would have been for those I loved if I was gone
    I never belonged here, I was never supposed to stay here
    There is no place on this earth for me anymore
    The only place left to go is to the ground
    That's a fitting place for such a lowlife like me
    My hate is the only thing that understands me
    It knows exactly where I belong
    It knows all I've done wrong, all my weaknesses
    The only judge that can give me the proper sentencing for someone like me
    I can't even be called a human being
    My existence is the root of all hardships they suffered
    Me being a burden caused so many to suffer from my inadequacy in life
    The consequence of living all these years
    For not listening when I had the chance to save everyone from such miseries
    My hate made the warnings very clear if I didn't listen
    Now everyone lives in a nightmare
    There is only one way I could apologize for my sins
    To finish what I couldn't all those years ago
    If only I would have heeded the warnings none of this would have happened
    My hate was right all along
    You cant fix the unfixable
    12/16/21
    5:18am
    ©orchid0205

  • orchid0205 28w

    Tierd

    I'm tired
    I'm tired of the arguments
    The misunderstood
    Not being heard
    I'm tired of it all
    Of the emotional issues
    The baggage in my closet
    I'm just sick of it
    No one said life was so infuriating
    So tiring all the time
    I would have oft out of it
    Stopped from the beginning
    What's the point of it
    I dont understand anymore
    I dont think I ever understood
    This is just not for me
    I dont know how to do this
    I've tried
    I'm still trying
    Now I'm done
    Now I'm tired of trying
    I'm tired of putting in effort
    I'm just tired of it all
    I would say that this is being me again
    But it's worse than that
    Worse than trying to figure out me
    I used to joke that I was a supernatural
    They are so cool
    I want to be one
    At least I know more about them
    I dont understand humans
    I dont get being human
    Why is being human so hard
    I'm not even good at it
    I'm done with it
    I wish I could be something different
    I doubt that would help though
    I have a lot of pent up issues
    Issues with no outlet
    Just stuck
    I feel like I'm trapped
    And no matter what I do I'm just stuck
    No one hears me, no one listens
    I'm just tired of it all
    What do you do when you're tired of everything
    What happens next
    I wish I knew
    Because I'm tired of everything
    Of being human
    Of being me
    Of living
    I'm sick of being unhappy
    Of crying
    Of the internal pain
    The constant battle with myself
    I'm tired of it
    All of this is exhausting
    Dealing with all this is truly depleting
    And now my energy has depleted
    I would care less about any and everything
    But I cant
    No matter how tired I am
    How exhausted and depleted I feel
    Life doesn't care
    Society doesn't care
    No one cares
    Sometimes I go back
    Back to those dark days
    Just to think, think about everything
    Sometimes old thoughts come back
    Bad thoughts, harmful thoughts
    I sometimes want to end it all
    Just leave forever
    Even if it doesn't help anyone
    But that's tiring to
    Everything is exhausting
    11/9/21
    1:58pm
    ©orchid0205

  • orchid0205 29w

    Dear mom

    I know I'm a handful
    I know I'm not the best child at times
    But I want you to know that I love you
    Dear mom
    You're last few birthdays I was M.I.A
    Nowhere to be seen
    Only a text with a happy birthday to my name
    Dear mom
    We all had our ups and downs but you stuck around
    Around all my misjudgments and accusations
    I dont know if I've ever said it through all these years
    But... I'm sorry
    Sorry for the heartbreak I caused
    Sorry for the tears I made fall
    Dear mom
    I'll make this promise to ease that pain
    That pain I caused years ago
    I'll always say 'I Love You' no matter what
    I'll try to put always put a smile on your face
    I'll make sure you feel my love
    Dear mom
    Even though I live far now
    I'll always love you
    And you'll always be one of my backbones
    I have to moms forever and always
    And I'm glad that one of them is you
    Dear mom
    You hold the second mom card
    I only need you as my second mom
    No one else can ever replace you in my heart or my mind
    Dear mom
    You are the only other mom ill accept
    You've earned that title a long time ago
    And it will be yours forever
    Dear mom
    Please always be by my side
    Love, Orchidwinters
    11/3/21
    1:54 pm
    ©orchid0205

  • orchid0205 39w

    True confessions

    Are sometimes overlooked
    Sometimes ignored
    It's a little heartbreaking
    Spending hours, even days building ur courage
    Taking the time to find the perfect way to confess
    Time to make the confession romantic
    Putting your heart out there for the taking
    Showing all your feelings and emotions
    Only to be ignored or dismissed
    True confessions are hard to find
    Some people nowadays use fake confessions
    Luring an unsuspecting victim into their trap
    Just for fun, for a bet, for their own selfish reasons
    Not thinking of the pain it would cause
    Fake confessions aren't funny
    Just like true confessions aren't funny either
    Messing with someone's heart isn't cool
    It's hard to confess when you've been hurt
    When you've been taken as a joke
    Your feelings laughed at
    It's agonizing how much it happens
    Leaving those who dared to confess
    Dared to take a chance on love
    To suffer heartaches, suffer the backlash
    Those are the bad cases, the ones that suffer silently
    Till the right person comes along
    The one that's not like the others
    They listen to your feelings
    Understand the courage it took
    The extent to put it together
    There are people like this
    And while true confessions aren't given a chance sometimes
    It helps make you into a better you
    ©orchid0205

  • orchid0205 40w

    Goodbyes

    No one really likes goodbyes
    Many valid justifications to feel like so
    Some may be personal
    Others just based on meaning
    Maybe just prefer something else
    Usually, it's associated with sadness
    Having to leave someone behind
    Probably not gonna see that person again
    Nowadays people dont really use goodbye
    Most people say bye when leaving others
    Some say it to have inner peace
    For many reasons we are bound to say it
    Only we can make byes not be forever
    ©orchid0205

  • orchid0205 40w

    Dear future

    This being sent has a deeper meaning than you think
    I have things I want to tell you
    Feelings I want to show you
    But... I'm scared to
    I dont know if ill tell you
    I've been hurt before
    Many times before
    If you ask ill tell you
    I made a book for you
    A book full of things about me
    Things I can't tell you
    Dear future
    The time I'm writing this is way before I met you
    Because you are hopefully my future
    A future I've been longing for since my first heartbreak
    There are many secrets to knowing me
    Many secrets to understanding me
    This poem is like a letter to you
    So many things I've made for when I meet you
    Various ways created to express my feelings for you
    Vocally I can't and never will be able to
    Actions speak louder than words
    For me, it's different
    Writing speaks volumes
    Volumes of emotions I cant say
    All feelings are in a poem
    When I meet you, ill  be a little shy at first
    Seeing if you'd be like the others
    My future
    I dont think I could handle another heartbreak
    Pain isn't an emotion I handle well
    I'm a little new to relationships
    My past ones never lasted long
    It always ended before it truely began
    There will be walls put up in front of my heart
    Just know seeing this means you've broken some
    You'll break the rest over time
    Because im guarded  and shy
    'THE KEY' shall be of help
    For 'The Key' is the way
    The door to the answers you seek
    ©orchid0205

  • orchid0205 40w

    Boundaries

    Are extremely important in life
    Without it, the world would be more chaotic
    More violent to live in
    Doesn't matter if its platonic, intimate, or professional
    Everyone should have boundaries
    Barriers that keeps people from going to far
    A way to slowly know your limits
    The secret way of seeing who actually cares about you
    Those who dont respect your boundaries
    Refuse to understand the limitations
    Denying acceptance of your comfortability
    You're not wrong for having boundaries
    Wrong for setting barriers to protect yourself
    It's not abnormal to expect respect for your limits
    We have boundaries for a reason
    No matter whats the reason
    Boundaries should always be respected
    ©orchid0205

  • orchid0205 40w

    What matters

    A genuine question people ask themselves
    There are so many answers to such a question
    Wrong answers and right answers
    While everyone has their own answers
    Some would probably say money, wealth
    Others jewelry, handbags, shoes
    Everyone has their own opinion when thinking about it
    All answers should be respected even if you disagree
    Personally, I would disagree with those answers
    For me, it would be a more deeper meaning
    What matters is memories with your loved ones
    Spending time with your family and friends
    The people you love and who love you
    Life is short, everyday someone is dying
    Life is an unfair test we can't outrun
    Valuing things that have no meaning is wasteful
    Memories last forever, materials dont
    When we leave memories to stay with us
    The materials get left behind
    Many people put more worth into other things
    Leaving their family with nothing but sadness
    Only to regret it when times get tough
    When things go bad, people get sick
    Worst case when they are taken from us
    No one wants that longing and feeling of regret
    What matters?
    When you truly think hard about it
    It's not that difficult of a question
    There are two paths to take
    Family or  worldly
    Each path has its own trials and risks
    They both have consequences for what you choose
    Whether someone agrees or not
    There is no wrong answer
    Its your opinion
    What matters to you
    ©orchid0205