I don't like to show how I really feel It makes me vulnerable to the ones who don't know about this seal And the package deal That comes with me They are signing for something unreal By making promises they don't know how to keep
I stay away from strangers And push away the ones who care about me I am hurting all the time Because smiling comes with a price A price so high That simply livin' can't suffice I completely shut off Every now and then Cutting every possible connection from the real world Telling myself that I need some time away Some time with myself Some time to think and process this craziness When the craziness is just inside my head And it keeps getting worse
It gets to me when I least expect it to Bursting into tears for no reason at all With pounding heart in my chest Wailing like a banshee but silently Away from prying eyes of the ones who care enough To shout at me for feeling "bad" emotions Wanting to give up Give up on future Give up on myself Give up on hope
I see those disappointed eyes Disappointed in me Disappointed in the person I've become I don't blame them Just want to scream out loud For once And tell them that I'm not okay Tell them, I need help But I slide it under the carpet instead Because I know they don't want to know the truth They don't want to see the truth For it's all right in front of them It always has been
I snug inside my dyin' body Every night To soothe my soul As I lose the last drop of hope I don't know why I am like this I don't know why I don't want to fight Fight for what I want Fight for what I believe in For I buried it so deep so long ago I can't remember what that is
So if I take more time To gather up enough energy For another round In the life I never asked for The life I never wanted If I take more time To slow my anxious heart down To feel something other than confusion If I never find the little girl I never was But so desperately wanted to be Or if I don't want to take another chance Will you still be around?
Hello fellow mirakeeans!! For those who are wondering, why is there such a huge gap between this post and the one before it- I was working on a story but something happened and I had to delete it from here. I'll be getting it published once I'm done with the story so anyone who is interested in reading that, leave a comment below and I'll personally reach out to you once it's out online.
Anyways, I wrote this little piece almost a week ago. It's about feeling anxious when you want to be there for a friend who is suffering but at the same time you don't know what's the right thing to say to ease their pain. I feel like this is one feeling that most of us out there can easily relate to. Read it and do let me know how you like it.
I was looking for a perfect picture for this write-up and after taking a bunch of screenshots from different sites I use, I stumbled upon this one. It's a scene from this super amazing series "sex education" and this scene in particular brought me down to tears when I was watching it somewhere in the mid of first lockdown. (Because that's the only way I can remember things now,... With respect to how many days I've been in paradise. Bad joke. Sorry.)
"Being a woman is really difficult in India."
That's something I've been listening ever since a lady was stabbed by her husband in public a couple days ago just because she wanted to continue with the hospital job that her husband wanted her to quit and no one came to save her. I say,
"Being a woman is difficult. Period!"
How about that?
It's not the country, it's the dirty minds.
Anyways, this is something I've been working on for, well, ages actually. I started this last year, probably a couple months before a friend suggested me this series and then I just abandoned it because I got stuck somewhere in the middle and I knew I needed to give this one a break for a while. (That's something I do a lot.) But I started working on it again like a week ago and finally got myself to complete it. I hope you read it and yeah! Drop a feedback if you do.
【I am using this particular separator in here because as Amitabh's character in the movie "Pink" said,
"No" is not just a word. It's a complete sentence.
A "No" means No irrespective of who says it, when they say it or how they say it.】
- ♂ - ♀ - NO - ♂ - ♀ - NO - ♂ - ♀ - NO - ♂ - ♀ - NO - ♂ - ♀ -
You see yourself standing in a crowded bus With beethoven's moonlight sonata playing in your earphones You try to look outside the window The vision is blurred by winter mist Perfectly sprayed on the glass Those morning office phone calls And a perfect meeting spot Craving for hot cup of coffee And wanting to sing like never before Hush! Here comes an intruder. Silently sliding through the sea of people Only to stop in the middle of it And right next to you You look around at the ones sitting Turning their phones on, Looking at the time every other minute You could see the stress and disappointment on those faces When the bus got stuck in traffic. A little acceleration and more breaks And the intruder falls on you He straighten himself up, Grabs the handle, Pretending that nothing happened! You try to ignore it too And take out your phone To change the tune. Now, the bus engine is turned off So both the acceleration and breaks Are put on a hold! You feel something creeping on your back Slowly sliding down to your ass Your body goes numb With just the thought Of this little intrusion Your mind starts bickering About what's real And what just an illusion Did what you just felt happened, really happened? If it's real, was his intension wrong Or was it just the traffic Inside those four walls Before you could figure out If this was the time when you shout Or you lock your mouth with an Unknown key and throw it somewhere Where it's never to be found The traffic outside those walls Starts clearing up And the vibrations from the engine Pulls you out of your thoughts Your stop comes and you get off With a crazy beating heart And a banging in your head Almost, like boring a hole Over and over again A hole in the memories From just five minutes ago You walk away Feeling like the whole world Knows exactly what happened And you feel Every pair of eyes around you Focused right at you When really, they were just A few blind puppets Dancing in this world's hall So much to say but silent like a broken doll
This piece went through so many changes. I felt like sharing the entire journey of writing this one because it's worth it. If you don't want to read this, you can skip it and directly jump to the poetry part. So here it is. Initially, Medusa, Athena, and some other characters in the first draft were just supposed to be metaphors for the characters of a short dream sequence I had in mind. I started making the initial draft, like gathering bits and pieces that came to my mind about everything I wanted to cover in that sequence. While making these outlines, I just kept thinking about Medusa and what she went through (if you want to know her story, the original story, check my comments in the comment section). Then it occurred to me that not many people from the present generation know about this Greek mythology so I should write about her instead because people should know how cruel and unfair patriarchy can get sometimes. So I deleted the previous outlines and started writing the original story in my words but the fact that Medusa always just got pain and betrayal but never the love she deserved, stopped me. Then a thought striked my mind that she deserves a love story but no one ever thought about that amidst all the monster portrayals she got and I again started it from the scratch with a prince, his kingdom, the queen, Athena, Medusa and some other characters but I got stuck in the end. According to Athena's curse, any man who ever look at her, will get petrified (turned into stone) and I could have worked it out in the story by the prince always keeping his eyes covered with a blind fold or just looking at her reflection in the water but why a man? Why it always has to be a man? That hit me really hard and I just stopped writing for a really long time. I took time to think about it and ended up writing this.
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☆ ★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★ ☆ ★
Once upon a time, There was a princess With eyes like the reflection Of full moon in the ocean, Big and bright. Medusa fall for her Right in the first sight! She used to visit the same oak tree, Probably searching for peace, Once every week. Medusa watched her Hiding near the creek. Princess sensed her presence, And gazed at her reflection But never said a word. One's reflection never lies, Is what they say And maybe that's why She saw the girl Medusa once was And not the monster She was forced to become! "I'll confront her about my feelings The next time she visits", Medusa swore. Little did she knew, Her heart belonged to Athena, The goddess of war! Medusa waited and waited But she never returned. Queen found out About her daughter's love For their nemesis Who destroyed their kingdom And banished her From the palace, for the betrayal. Princess ran to Athena's temple And prayed to call her for help. She didn't answered, Because the affair was just a scam. A scam to break the royals, To shatter the castle of trust They shared And to show them Where they belonged! Princess stayed in the temple For nights, Helpless and hurt. She finally lost hope, Wandering around in confusion. With blurred vision From all the tears, She found herself Standing by the creek. Medusa was waiting for her Hiding in the shadows. She decided to give her some privacy To process her thoughts. The princess looked like walking chaos In the moment But still so simple. Same deep, big, shiny eyes, Same long golden locks, Same innocence dripping Down her face. Medusa waited for her to calm down But lost patience after a while 'cause she was still searching For princess's beautiful smile! She couldn't see her despair So decided to retrace her steps back But stepped on a twig instead "You don't always need to hide, you know", The princess said wiping her tears. "You knew about me this whole time?" "I sensed your presence from your shine" "My shine?" "Your reflection in water, Medusa." "You know who I am?", Medusa asked Desperately hiding the snakes on her head. "You are still beautiful, inside out. I hope you know that" Medusa smiled for the first time After a really long time. With her pale skin, Finally gaining different shades of pink Her eyes lit up As she took a step towards her love "I missed this smile" "And I, thy eyes"
I know that I've been writing these little fantasy dream sequences a lot for a while now, but one of these actually led to something really amazing. I am so excited to share that one and it's entire journey with you guys. It's still a work in progress so, you'll have to wait for it. Meanwhile, here's a piece I wrote somewhere in the mid of March but never got a chance to post. Happy reading!
Every time I breathe My heart catches hold Of the ice and pieces you left And every moment That I spend With you Feels like a Déjà vu I look for you, everywhere, When love doesn't feel right But you loving me, The way I do, is all I want People change, I know And I see you changing Every single day But it all still just Feels the same The same old love With the same old faith! World! Can't it just fly away? I want you just for myself I want you to live inside me! I don't wanna stay And I don't wanna leave, Oh love! I don't wanna stay And I don't wanna leave I just wanna see One last trick With magic rolled up your sleeves! 'cause every time I breathe I breathe you in For we need Something to break this ice Between us, that's unseen! Words! Can't they just fade away I want you to read my eyes And tell me What my heart desires Just like before I'm living every moment You wanted to forget All over again For it feels like A long lost, sweet pain And I know, When this mirror of dream breaks It'll again just leave a stain! I don't wanna hide If you are by my side You kept looking For someone to love When your love Was hiding in the plain sight! It is our destiny, is what they say But wasn't destiny, what we left behind!
मासूम सी ज़िन्दगी ये ढूंढने एक नया पता चली राहों में ख्वाबों की एक परछाई सी खड़ी शोर से दूर कहीं सन्नाटे की एक दुनिया नई परछाईयों को इशारे पर नचाती एक मायावी सहमा सहमा सा बड़ा बचपन एक कोना पकड़े खड़ा बचपन निगाहें तलाशती एक नन्ही चिड़िया ख्वाब थी जो लाने वाली आफताब ढला चाँद पिंघला बंद हुआ सोच का दरवाज़ा और कहीं गुम हो गई ताली आग लगी कहीं राख उड़ी कहीं धुँआ बिखरा हर जगह लाशें खोजने निकली परछाइयाँ कहीं किसी कोने में एक सपना मिला लहूलुहान सा जो था पड़ा ठोकर मारकर आगे बढ़ी परछाइयाँ और गुमशुदा का ठप्पा लगा समय बीता, बड़ी हुई गलियाँ रातें बीती, सूखी कलियाँ सपने तक का रास्ता भूली गलियाँ पीछे मुड़कर देखा एक दिन परछाई सी थी खड़ी कहीं कोने में छिपकर नीचे बैठा बचपन मेरा शोर के मारे रो रहा दिल की धड़कन तेज़ हुई आंखों में भी पानी आया बीते कल की यादों ने जब मन का दरवाज़ा खटखटाया पुरानी डायरी खोली तो गुमशुदा सपने को वहीं मरा पाया!
Jane walked through the gallery smelling like a leftover tragedy and went straight to her grandmother's room. She knelt on the floor and lifted the lid of a glass jar kept in the corner. Letters tied with jute threads, dried roses and old photographs, all looking like someone just took them out straight from a broken hearts museum. A museum to store memories that made her grandma cry and smile at the same time until her last breath. They smelled of love and her precious tears. They were from her grampy. He was a handsome sailor who died 40 years ago. He was madly in love with grandma and she told her that he used to write her every time he went to the sea. He told her everything about the places he visited, the people he met on the way, the terrible food he had there but most importantly, how much he missed her. They met in high school and decided to stick around for some time while all their other friends left that small town to study in their dream college. Grandma got pregnant after a couple of years with Jane's father and Grampy got his dream job as a sailor to see the world. He wanted to stay back with grandma and help her through the pregnancy but she insisted that he shouldn't give up on his dream. He kept surprising her by visiting her every now and then and they would go visit their old spots to freshen up some old memories and fabricate some new ones for the parting days. They would make their own fairy world with them and all their kids travelling together some day and how they would complain about being home sick every month. Grampy died after his ship got caught up in a really bad storm and grandma decided to never leave that town.
Jane, with her shaking and wet hands, opened up the jute thread. In that moment, she remembered how every time she asked grandma if she could read those letters, she would just laugh and say, "well, of course love. But only after I die. Till then, these are just mine".
With tears rolling down her eyes, she opened up one of those letters. It was dated 17 February 1869. That was the last letter he wrote. It was old and a bit worn out at the folds.
"My beloved Paige,
I am in London right now. Yes, you guessed it right. I am visiting the beautiful Buckingham palace, first thing in the morning. I still clearly remember you told me how much you loved London after you returned back from your last field trip back in school. Now I see why these streets fascinated you so much. Oh, my love! In this moment, I can give up anything to be with you and to be able to hold you in my arms. This, touring around, visiting all these beautiful, remarkable places all over the world, it's all completely meaningless if you are not with me. I miss you so much. I have decided to come back to you and be with you for rest of my life. I had so much to tell you when I began writing this letter but now I am getting carried away with the thought of being with you, forever! See you soon my love!
Yours and only yours Finch S."
Jane sat there for a while with that letter, held close to her heart, tears rolling down her eyes and a faint smile on her face. Having shared such an important part of her grandma's memory, she felt even more close to her in that moment. She finally gathered enough strength to say her final goodbye to her sweet grandma. She got up, went to the open casket to tell her how much she loved her, carefully placed her favorite lilies in her beautiful, pale hands and read all those letters to her one last time.
I saw you Dancing and screaming "It's her birthday today" Standing amongst some hundred people Running around, bursting in laughter Like a child Somewhat like a traveller going wild I remember me sitting on the ground And watching you with a huge smile on my face You grabbed my hand and asked me to dance with you But instead, I dragged you away from that crowd I remember lying down on the grass And you lying right next to me With your fingers entangled into mine, Continuously staring at the dark sky "I wish there were some more stars up in the sky. They look bored up there alone", You said. I laughed, and looked at you, Completely holding my breath Your eyes shining like the deepest hue Of aquamarine I placed my head on your shoulder And we lied there for a while. I remember us just walking Through the streets of the city In the middle of the night With you holding my hand So tight Playing with my hair Waiting for me to put up a fight I remember things getting blurry And time running like a slurry I was confused And looking around in a hurry Looking for as much as I could hold onto To remember it all Before I fall I felt your hold loosening up And you drifting away Into a world So mundane I heard a whisper As you slowly disappeared "Please don't wake up" "Don't wake up"
They say you are free To do whatever you want If only it was true 'cause now here you stand Trying to breathe in the air But breathing in chaos instead
They say you are stronger Than you know When they know Nothing about you They don't understand What you're feeling, What you've been through They tell you that they care But no one ever really sees you, For you!
They don't know That you keep yourself busy By burying your head in stories 'cause it help slow down These unbearable voices That keep you awake When you're trying to sleep And won't let you wake up In the mornin'
They say you were meant to be A doll from their dreams The one, born to fly So why do you feel suffocated All the damn time And would rather prefer dying
So why do you feel like Locked up in a coffin, A coffin of their expectations Deep down the ocean Drowning you over and over again
They say, you doubt yourself You underestimate your worth Then why does cutting yourself And bleeding to unconsciousness Sounds much easier
It's funny, how they keep telling you You are ruining your life But never really care! You make heroes Out of the survivors Searching for hope But when it's you, It hurts way more And you know, God! You know, You are just another Ticking time bomb Waiting for one last blow To give up and finally explode
You plug in your earphones And hurt your ear drums With the loud music All day To flush out the noise from your brain! You keep ignoring people Who really care 'cause you're afraid You tell them Everything's all right When you just wanna say, "I'm not okay!"
Five years, And it still hurts the same You hold on to that one last picture As all the other memories fade Painting your own hell In your head This whole time! A hell to hold you And scold you For eternity! As you dig your nails Into your sensitive, cold skin Trying to ease that aching Of your frozen heart and, And that burnin' in your brain Finally burning you to the ground! So much anger and hate Inside of you That it hurts when you Look into the glass! Holding up your neck With your cold, shivering hands You still patiently wait For you to explode some day 'cause you know you will Eventually! You hide it all inside of you Bundling it up In your heart beat Like a storm! A storm, To carry you far away Tossing you all over the place Making all that pain And anxiety bleed away You don't talk sense You've lost your mind Feeling so small And just waiting to fall You don't really talk much 'cause you don't really hope much And you know Oh, you know You're still ready to let go Of this dying smoke trail But the only thing that's changed Is that now you grab your pen And showcase your pain!
Darling, I want to spend all the seasons of my life with you. I wanna sit with you hand in hand with my head on your shoulder watching the sunrises & sunsets. I wanna sit with your head on my lap gossiping all night staring at the twinkling stars & the gleaming moon above us. I wanna sit with you in the cafe sipping our favorite coffee. I wanna roam around with you satisfying our taste buds with the street foods. And if I keep on penning like this about the times in which I need you, there won't be any second of my life left to count. Its just that I want you in all the tiniest moments of my life. I need you forever my love!!
Read the previous part if you haven't already. Enjoy! ♡ ---------------------------------------
[Audio Diary: Recorded Thoughts]
# Audio 2- Encounters *** 25/8/19
Hello! I just realized that I didn't introduce myself yesterday...haha. Well, is it really necessary for me to tell my name and age to you? Maybe...starting tomorrow we'll never meet again, so what's the use?
I feel like, when someone doesn't know a person's name, they remember them much more clearly than they remember the person whose name they know. I guess that's because the unnamed person looms around their mind like a mystery...making them ponder over what their name could be and things like that. Named persons are many times forgotten...maybe 'cause there's no mystery left to solve.
Funny, isn't it? We remember the encounters but not the one whom we had an encounter with. The remembrance part, according to me, mostly depends on what's more alluring; the encounter or the one you encountered with? Well then, bye. This time...I know what I said, haha. See ya!
#audios_mw if this is continued, all parts will be here. ------------------------------------
[Audio Diary: Recorded Thoughts]
# Audio 1- How're you? *** 24/8/19
Hey! Um..I'm just talking here. Soo...what's the best way to start a conversation? Tell your name and ask the other one's? Or simply, as what most of us do these days, is to ask 'How are you?' I have been asked this question a lot...almost on a daily or more precisely, weekly basis. And, each time my answer is the same, boring, sometimes...modified, 'Am fine! How are you?' That's the only reply I have. On a serious note...am I really fine though? Maybe. Maybe not. According to me...the answer to 'How're you?' is the most anticipated one. Like we expect a 'I'm fine' in response, don't we?
When I was young, I thought this was some sort of a petty rule. Now that I'm...you know, grown up...I feel like it's not as petty as I thought it was. I mean, I don't trust my so-called friends...I hardly ever open-up to them. And, when I can't fully trust them with my feelings...why should I let it out to a not so strange stranger? I mean, close friends won't ask questions like 'how're you?', would they?
Guess it's time to go...three minutes already passed...and I'm not really sure as to what I spoke just now. It felt good though. Uh, maybe..I'll come tomorrow as well..don't really know, let's see. Bye, for now.