I was affrighted of being sympathised. It might be my own ego that prevented me from letting others clear off the fog settled on my olive coated mountains; but it won't improve my vision which is anyway obstructed by tears. I neither wanted to free the peace seeking dove residing within me, I simply throttled it. All felt that I was trying to be an attention seeker, while I despised the thought of being exposed to a photon. Life was much rosy before. But something happened which dispatched my inner child and gave birth to an adult. An adult who could never know what childhood meant, who was racing with invisible enemies. It was endless. The battle raged on and the opponent grew stronger; everyday yet another soldier of light was slaughtered.
What was disconcerting me was unknown. The ones around would pat on my tiny head and supply their daily dose of advice – Time is the medicine. How I wished not to hear this constantly; it was a mere lie sugar coated. Time isn't a medication, it's an excuse to turn the truth into falsity. It makes you accept what has happened but it does not make your pain any lesser.
~They said happiness is a positive force. If you radiate positivity, then you get it back. Well, if science could define life then we weren't possibly required to state facts based on assumptions.
They said that I was strong and I can do it. It seemed so hilarious–people judged me, even when every element of stress was visible on my sullen face. For them, your weakness is just a phase afterall.
They said, I had to be tough like the ironwood tree. I still can't fathom their hollow preachings, I have been a creeper all my life and it does not seem exactly wonderful when I was suddenly forced to be solitary.
They said that they loved me. And love is blind. They never saw what I wanted them to. They encouraged me to open up and when I did, they told me to forget it all and wait for something called Hope. This Hope has been a hallucination and it will always be one, for me~
It was another wearisome evening, with me trying to figure out a reason why life should be chosen over death. I was missing my young self; the dark circles under my eyes were a result of countless nights spent sleeplessly and I suddenly felt matured enough to know who was deserving to get a glimpse of the warfield in my mind and who wasn't. I had signed a pact with myself–henceforth I won't go on ranting my problems to every single human being; the walls of my grey house and my potted plants would do a better job of absorbing my worries.
Humans are fickelminded and I proved it. Not even ten minutes had passed and I received a text message from him. He was a schoolmate, with whom I had lost contact. "Wish to meet you, may I expect you to come to the park?". I didn't want to leave my house; socializing was my worst nightmare. But I could not find a suitable reason to turn him down. And I agreed. Against my own will.
•: , ~
It was another evening of Summer, but it was somewhat different. Was it beautiful? Were fresh daisies blooming in my searing garden? Three years had passed so quickly since I started meeting him. I had just learnt how to pull the strings of the guitar, while he played love songs. I wasn't sure at first if he would be able to help me, but his sophistication astonished me with passing time. How could someone perceive another being so well? And, why would he listen to me so intently? Why would his hazel eyes stare at my face as if they wanted to capture it and see me again, in my absence? Why would he grab my hand and say that we will overcome this together, as if he could feel everything so deeply?
I had to find out his thoughts. And telepathy struck; he texted me again– "I need to talk to you. I hope you will come". I hurried down the brown pavement. He was standing there at a secluded corner of the park; I guess he didn't want to announce his declaration to the world. I went near him.
Without his consent I began and now I wish I could reverse time:
~I don't need you to give me your heart, I just need a patient ear to absorb the dysphoric reverberations of my past.
I had realised that, all these days I was just a street singer crooning some upbeat tunes for the busy crowd; but now I need an audience to cheer for me. I want you to animate my aspirations.
I am a bank, with my sentiments being saved and locked up laboriously. You had invested your love after much thought, I secretly hope that you also, won't turn out to be a spendthrift
Will you be the one to accept me for who I am? Will you be what the folks call as the Eternal Love? ~
A cold and icy expression greeted me. Then he spoke:
~I am glad that you found me to be someone who is worthy to be commended for his actions. I never intended to be the Prince of your fairytales, I came to you with a purpose and it seems like it won't attain the results that I had wanted.
You, a girl whose heart was shattered, seeked refuge in me. I sheltered and fostered you. I did not expect anything in return, I was waiting for you to ask me the reason why I could understand you, and you never did. I had faced the same obstacles. I needed someone to cut my shackles. You must have taken my cheerfulness for granted~
//Love doesn't exist until the same magical feeling of adrenaline rush is felt by someone who is destined to meet you at a place fixed by time; till then, it is just an emotion of desolation. And when it happens, the world lights up like Christmas night, your heart sings carols and wishes your flustered cheeks, a lifetime of joy and affection. It derides your scholastic brain for being defeated yet again, while the latter, in full consciousness, pities you for your folly. I am sorry, I never experienced it in your company//
It took me infinite insults and heartbreaks to realise why love is just a lie. I felt that he was the one whose blood carried purity and truth. I couldn't see the clots, though. The fork came and I walked along crushing the maple leaves like a Lovelorn lady, back to my paradise; where even the temple bells resonate an uncomfortable peace.