• _aradhya 52w

    What do I do with an I love you?

    Do I take a rose, picking it's petal?
    "She loves me, she loves me not."
    And what if my last petal falls
    With "she loves me not"
    Do I believe it?
    Or do I let it go thinking it's a stupid game?
    And believe the I love you said to me?

    /Forgive me, I've never been in love. That's a lie I tell to everybody. I've been in love, but nobody has been in love with me. Pretentious is the kind of love I've received. So forgive me if my incompetent self devoid of love tends to disbelieve you./

    What do I do with an I love you?
    Do I become happy,
    Or shall I start searching for endings?
    Even if the beginning hasn't approached?
    Do I start scribbling those personifications and pleasant imagery right away?
    Or do I wait patiently, let the moment sink in?
    Shall I run away, and confide myself in my demons and past again?
    Shall I let myself hear all of my heartbreaks holding my vulnerable self, who have been calling out to me from a long time, again?

    /Understand me, I hold a heavy past with me. My smile bears a weight too, my heart is barely holding itself and my brain is uncertain every second. Understand me and my questions, it's not that I'm trying to avoid love. It's just that my past experiences don't hold memories of love worth reminiscing about. Understand me and my cautious self./

    What do I do with an I love you?
    Do I let the person in the deepest corners of my mind and heart?
    Maybe I'll say it back, even if I don't feel anything
    Just for the sake of feeling loved, I'll tell you I love you.
    Maybe after some time, I'll actually love you.
    And when I'll say it, you'll notice the difference and start loving me more.
    Right?
    I'll write metaphors for you,
    Paint you lilac skies full of dreams and hopes
    Even if I'm completely hopeless inside.
    Maybe after some time, I'll let you see the hopeless me.
    Maybe then
    You'll finally realize.
    You've never been in love with me.
    You've been in love with a facade I put in front of you.
    Maybe then you'll take back your I love you. And my question which I kept asking myself will go away.

    /Leave me. Because my truth is ugly, my dark is too much to fathom. The weight I carry, it's heaviness, is too much to hold. After you forgive me and understand my questions, leave me. Have mercy on your heart, give love to someone who deserves it. As for me, I'll keep receiving the I love yous, and complicate every I love you more and more by writing these poetries and endings./
    ©_aradhya