• nitrousoxide 22w

    Wandering in dark alleys,
    in freezing cold winters,
    it's always easy to escape
    of that lone tear, yearning hard,
    to flow down my rough cheeks.
    The clacking sound of my boots
    adds to that melancholy melody,
    that helped me make it out,
    through the crowd of forlorn people.
    I do not know,
    the accuracy of someone's feelings
    because the sun doesn't bring happiness
    to all of us;
    like for me,
    it just strains my eyes,
    making it hard for me
    to come out of my comfortable bed
    which I know has cuffed the freedom of my recovery,
    from the fear of things,
    I pretend to be unaware of.

    The warmth that I had found,
    after being handcuffed to the laziness in me,
    is transient,
    and would take me to the grave
    where neither you would visit me with chrysanthemums
    nor there would be a dandelion plantation,
    and I do not like to cling onto the hope,
    of having a visitor.

    The essence of an embrace,
    or the warmth I once found in someone's word
    might have been lost or faded,
    the way colors of rainbow
    fade in the sky where they appear
    like the way
    we live here to die in the end?
    I sit under the sky,
    until the invisible stars in the daylight
    finally, become distinct in the dark;
    finding that warmth
    in the sun rays which strain my eyes
    or beneath the torn blanket of stars,
    but then I am habituated,
    of returning empty handed,
    giving myself to the shackles of my bed.

    I question myself, looking in the mirror,
    and I ask the same questions,
    I used to answer with a silent smile
    on the outside with the will to disappear,
    running in my arteries.
    How many weekends,
    have you sat cross-legged,
    taking the support of a white wall
    seeing yourself in the mirror;
    highly caffeinated, introspecting yourself,
    questioning your worth and your existence?
    The mere thought of losing out
    and not being able
    to achieve my daily goals
    makes me lose my breathe,
    and here I begin to cry and make an excuse,
    how I had no one by my side,
    pushing me to work on myself,
    and giving me a hand
    to pull me out of the pit,
    which I have started considering my house!

    How I kept waiting,
    sitting by the window
    for someone to help me out
    of that loneliness
    but what if it's just the wind that caressed me
    and the sun rays that embraced me?
    I know the wait will not be worth it,
    the wind must have whispered,
    and the sun must have screamed
    that it's just me who could help me out
    of that hole, I miserably fell into.
    Even after several non-vocalised battles,
    between the hemispheres of my brain,
    I still feel a lacuna of thoughts inside me.
    A loneliness that makes me,
    scratch my hands and hair;
    offering me a desire to vanish,
    disappear and fade away.
    and everyday when I walk a step closer,
    to the fulfillment of an unfulfilled desire,
    I get far away from myself,
    and from the infinite abyss,
    which I no longer belong to.
    So, I am finding directions,
    of a place where it all ends
    with an added uncertainty that
    does that place exist?

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    I'm on a road that never ends
    Don't know opposite of sin
    Some people say I think too much
    I don't think they think enough
    -Danny Brown (Rolling Stone)