Disclaimer: All these years in mirakee and this is my very first collab, that too with the very talented @saya__ . Pardon my flaws, and rejoice her wonderful words. Thank you.
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I cornered myself with the blanket of dinge. Never would I dare to utter about the dark trench of seclusion. All I would be turned into is a meme material along with those trending hashtags of the virtual. The storming thoughts of escaping cracks my heart into thousands of pieces from the remaining hundred, while all I did was listen to every piece falling, continuously shuddering my eardrums and my skull off, bit by bit. And when these roars of their laughter echoes around me, the world spins in circles and I wake up to the new-fangled course, witnessing the faces with fake frowns and worry. I know them all, all of them. They'll show mounted concern whenever I cry, yet won't even look up from their screens to perceive my facade smile.
"I am not feeling okay."
- "Oh, don't worry. Mood swings they are." - "This phase will pass dear, we too have felt like this." They would say.... Well, have you?
This is how my folks respond when I seek for someone to confront.
Let me ask you.. Have you fought with the world whole day long and entered home only to hear about being careful when outside? Have you acted like you don't care when your parents compare you with others? Have you ever heard your parents assuming that they are no more important in your life, when the only reason you are breathing till now is them? Have you faced competition against your siblings, along with the other people? Have you carried a fake smile the entire day, while all you were waiting for is the darkness which would engulf your tears to keep from them seeing? No you didn't. This is not a phase, neither is this an attempt to seek your attention. These are my feelings, all what I go through!
I hope some day someone walks up to me, not to preach, but just to listen and let me believe that all of it will end soon, even if that's a lie.
I saw her again today. The girl with her white hair band, the girl in the last corner of the class. I watch her everyday, as she stares out of the window for hours with that pen twirling between her fingers. I wonder often what she thinks about.
For all I know, that smile of her is just a facade.. I know she is disturbed, she looks tired. But what is she tired of, is it the situation around her? is it her life? or is she tired of herself? I don't know honestly, but I do want to know. I want to talk to her, I always did, who wouldn't want. But may be it will always remain a story about the first step that I am too scared to take.
I watch it when she tells others she is not feeling okay and they laugh it away calling it a mere mood swing. I hate it when people tell her that this phase too shall pass. Cannot they see what I see? Cannot they see what she is going through..? it is is in her eyes, it is in her smile.
I saw her before, she looked so bright that you would literally stop and stare at her. I remember I couldn't stop myself staring at her lips, to notice their shape and curves when they dip. Her eyes, well they were nothing like ours. So deep and bright, they'd make you believe they were stars.
But now she strolls like a dead meat with no hope nor will. And I keep watching her from the corner, hoping if some day our eyes would cross, she would walk up to me. But wouldn't life be easier had there been no ifs' and buts'. Probably I can never tell her how strong she is, probably I can never express how I feel. May be I can never let her see herself from my eyes, may be I can never make her feel good about herself. Yes, may be this will always remain a story about the first step that I never took.