• d_stranger7 90w

    Things I Figured Out After Our Break-up

    I should’ve bought more flowers for you, now I buy flowers even if today isn’t Valentine’s Day or a day with a specific meaning, in a way, every petal is imbued with an apology and every time someone leans in to smell it they can feel the parts of me that you’ve forgiven far long before I could

    I didn’t start to feel better until I started to take better care of myself, a constant whisper of you saying “i was just worried about you”

    You can’t let someone be your only source of happiness because once they’re gone, you’re all alone again and there’s nothing worse than starting all the way back over with yourself: square one of a broken heart multiplied by the intensity of she’s not coming back, let her go 

    Music will never betray me 

    Poetry is thinking that you’ve got it figured out and a metaphor is just your way of saying I don’t  

    Art rules the world and I am a masterpiece in progress; how can I love myself like how you did if I can’t see that little bit?

    Lust isn’t conducive for growth, it’s like an addict trying to get his fix-- some day, he'll going to break and not even the drug can help him

    I buy myself nice things, but I can’t fill this emptiness inside of my heart– I guess some nights, I just miss being next to you I guess that's why I still can’t get sleep at night

    Sometimes I wish I would’ve picked up your phone calls during the first few months, I broke my promise and you know something? I regret it 

    You once told me to go on many adventures without you, did you account for my depression? You know, I don’t blame you for any of this. In reality it was always an us thing, a too young thing, a stupid, mad love thing– as always, I still love you, I just don’t know what love is anymore  

    They were right, soulmates touch you and they change you forever– the moment a colorful paint filled brush hits the water and the figments of colors flow into the cup, you left my soul with so many seasons, I’m still raking up the leaves from last fall 

    I should’ve laid my head onto your chest and counted your heartbeats more often, I’m sorry  

    Sometimes when I talk to people and tell them random facts that you’ve filled my head up, I swear I can hear your voice echo in the back of my head

    I still remember your favorite Harry Potter line After all of this time? …Always. 

    I smoke cigarettes to think about how to think less, the fucking irony  

    I take painkillers and my excuse is that my right hand still hurts, in truth, I’m just another addict that believes if I take another maybe my heart might just start to sound like it belongs to me

    I don’t pray often, but when I do, I always prayed for your mom, although she hates me, I’m so glad that she put you on this earth to allow us to meet– I have changed so much since I’ve met you  

    You know the renaissance era? Falling in love with you was like that 

    My favorite photo of us were the time when we ride on a camel cart from our college, as we can't get any other ride, I miss those innocent day, oh, how we’ve changed 

    We are destined to have this eternal flame kind of distance– the brighter I burn, the more I’ll will write about you , the only thing that keeps me writing some days is hoping that somewhere, somehow you'll read all this, no matter who you’re with or if you’re laughing or crying or smiling  

    I’ve made so many bad decisions, you were never one of them 

    I’ve written so many bad things, you were in every single one 
    I’ve written some pretty great ones too tho…!  You were also in those 

    I miss cleaning your eyes for you

    Sometimes when I get off from college, I sit somewhere quiet and cry, some tears don’t have meaning, they just need to come out 

    I claim to write random thoughts, but I feel like they’re just love letters sent to no one in particular  

    It’s not that I’m not over you, I’m just trying to get used to not needed you
     
    It’s not that it hurts to the point where I can’t breathe, I’m just trying to light my own path to self-love and healing
     
    The fact that your favorite color is orange, it makes the fruit taste some type of way 

    Sometimes I want to call you, but I don’t  
    Sometimes I want to text you and I don't
    Sometimes I want you to call, I’m glad you don’t 
    Sometimes I just want to say fuck it all and call, I’m glad that I don’t  

    You stopped writing when we first met, in some way, the girl that waits by the shore has left a million pens near my desk and to this day– I wait by the shore too, just in case inspiration hits, right? 

    We were both messed up people, I think we knew that about each other and maybe that’s why I always know when you’re not feeling okay

    I still don’t have love figured out, but damn I’ll open every fucking door in my heart even if I have to go down the sewer to find every key 

    Someone says that she’s falling for me, I’m legit afraid to hurt people now– like it’s a real fear, I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore 
     
    I should’ve given you the stars, but instead I left your heart scattered across the universe  

    It’s been almost two year and I’m still writing about you, but at least it’s less often, right? 

    You’ve always been kinda self-centred, I think you enjoy it when I write about you. Like if I write about you in some way, maybe I’m still yours 

    We were just too damn young to realise how destructive passion, love, romance, stagnation, betrayal and pain is when mixed together  

    Sometimes I go to the places that we used to go just to create new memories without you  Sometimes it works 
    Most of the time, it just flicks me off 

    My brain is constantly telling me that I’m a fuck up and the more I try to get it right, the more I keep getting it wrong  

    I am trying to master the art of letting go 

    And this list is a step towards better things
    And this life is going to be alright 
    Without you, I am still me 
    Without you, I can still breathe  
    Without you, I am still alive 
    Without you, I am still poetry 

    I can barely remember your face, I guess being around a lot of different people at college helps out plenty  

    This world is filled with pain, I hope you look back and smile about us some day 

    Maybe when you’re old and grey– you’ll remember those two young teens who slow danced in the dark 

    If we were made from the same star, I want to return home some day  

    I want to shine bright enough for the two of us 

    You’re still my favourite person even if we no longer talk, You’ll always be my favourite I still care about you, A whole fucking lot 

    The world is full of mysteries, I’m glad that we’re in the known, I’m glad that we’ve met  

    I hope you never regret me, you wanna know why? I could never, ever, ever, ever regret you 

    I don’t know how to open up to people anymore and I’m not sure if it’s my fault or yours– maybe this one time, it’s our fault… are you like this too? 

    I’ve been told that I’m too hard on myself, I firmly believe that one of the reason as to why we split was because I wasn’t hard enough on myself– I got too fucking comfortable with your promises and you broke them, which broke me  

    Life waits for no one 

    I keep writing and writing and writing because one of these days– it’ll stop being about you  

    Sometimes it works, but deep down, I know in some way, you’ll always find a way to sneak back out  

    I can’t get you out of my head sometimes
    It’s even harder because you’re still inside of my heart

    Love hurts because even eating cotton candy ice cream really fast will give you a brain freeze 
     
    I realised a few thing about loving you. 
    When you hit rock bottom, few will be loyal enough to stick it out with you  
    Money rules the world, since I’m not wealthy in any way– one day when I am, I can laugh a little about all of this 
    I think you loved our memories more than you loved me, in truth, I did too 
    Maybe that’s why it’s hard to get close to people  
    Maybe that’s why it’s hard to let you go 
    Maybe that’s why I still hope you will read 

    We had something raw and experimental, young and dumb, mistakes on top of mistakes  

    It was a perfect compass to point us to our future selves  

    I know a great many things now– although I am depressed, with or without you 

    I am great, I am strong  
    I think of my own happiness before anyone else’s 

    I can love myself enough to let you go  

    I had to hurt you to really, really grow– I think to this day, that’s the thing that hurts me the most. That I had to hurt my favourite person in this whole wide world, to make you crumble, to make you cry, to make you hate me–  I had to do all of that in order to love myself. And it’s sad because here I am, still trying to figure it all out.

    With or without you, I will be a better person.

    ©d_stranger7