• _aradhya 21w

    Rant-2

    Have you ever been in the kind of situation where you feel like everything could have been better had this or that not happened? Like you were really happy one moment but then suddenly something happens and all you can think about is how fucked up things became in split second? And you forget how happy things were the previous moment, or at least you try to because thinking about it hurts you more and more?

    You have an outburst when things suddenly become chaotic because this kind of chaos was unexpected, so it caught you off guard. Thus, the outburst. But that outburst is abruptly and plainly stopped, and you feel something within you which is quite hard to explain but if anyone reading this has felt anything slightly close to this and can pen down that particular feeling in words, you're more than welcome to do so.

    Anyway, when the outburst is suddenly and abruptly stopped, you internally keep shouting and you don't know what to think but you're constantly speaking something inside. Your mouth remains shut. You suddenly have tears because you have this urge to speak something out while at the same time feeling like "What's the point of doing so?". So you're standing at crossroads not knowing what to do, or what to think. So you just shut up for everyone's sake and maybe for yours as well.

    You know things will be okay but at that particular moment you can't help feeling that the world is going against you. You know this feeling is temporary but the fear of it becoming permanent and/or frequent makes you shit scared so you're stuck fearing and praying that this feeling goes away.

    And then you find this one place, probably your washroom or your own room or terrace/balcony, basically somewhere where you are sure that no one can see you or hear you. Then in that place, you sit/stand and you stare at a point thinking about the thing that just happened, and you start muttering or you mouth words and be angry and sad and hurt. You are vulnerable in that place, crying, being a mess, and a little tiny part of you wishes that someone could see how vulnerable you actually are. And you talk to the walls of the room or the sky of your terrace as if that is a real person listening to you.

    Worst thing is, when one particular thing takes you back to moments where you felt the same equal hurt and now you're stuck thinking about two things which date you back to more and more things and now you're just stuck feeling more hurt.

    Then you stop crying, because you know it's been too late and people probably your family members (if they care enough) could notice that you've been gone too long. And then they can question you and you know you are bad at lying or if you're good at it, you don't want to lie, so you pick yourself up and go outside and pretend everything's fine and you're good.

    You scroll through apps, chats, people, do classes/attend work, talk to someone, laugh at memes and YouTube videos, but then that feeling is still lingering in you.

    Or is this just me?
    -Aradhya