Deep thoughts about me in a relationship

I have love and been loved
But it has never last forever
Being with someone makes me
Overthink and overthink
Until I mess it up
And then I blame myself for it
It’s hard imagining myself with somebody
Without thinking they could hurt me
Breaking every piece of my heart
Scaring my soul away
And leaving me like it’s nothing
Nobody has done that to me
It’s just my fear of being with someone

Another one is miscommunication
I can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t like to talk about his feelings and problems
It makes me go crazy
And it really upset me because I really wanna what goes inside their heads and their hearts
And my past relationship has nothing but lack of communication, lack of honesty and we both have different intuitions

And not being honest
I love a guy who always honest and can tell me everything
But a guy who isn’t honest
Makes me go crazy too
But I really do care and I would love to listen to their pain so I can try to help them

Another reason why is misunderstanding me
To be honest I don’t really like being misunderstood
And nobody doesn’t
When a guy misunderstood me
It makes me feel like he didn’t put much effort to listen to my words that comes from my heart

The last one is me being religious
Everybody knows that I’m a Muslim
And I’m not allowed to be with someone unless I get married
But I have struggles with guys
And it’s really hard not doing what is bad for me and doing something that is good
I love my religion
But every time I talk to a guy or fell for a guy, my religion is what I think about in the back of my head
And it’s really stoping me from being in a relationship
I feel like I’m disappointing God
Like I’m disappointing my parents
And that’s why I never told anyone about this because I’m afraid they won’t understand
I would love to kiss someone
And it feels good but it’s actually bad
And it makes me feel like a bad person
Like I’m doing something wrong
But I know that I am not the only one who feels like this
And I made mistakes in life
I just can’t get always get what I want in life
But when years go by
I’m pretty sure that I will understand
And that Allah (God) will forgive me

©khalidah03