Unsent message to my mom on bed #5
It's been a while uh?
Well, I tried writing to you ma. I did and that made me realize I haven't just shut myself vocally but also through the words, through writing, the easiest escape of all. And now, it's like all the doors are shut and I'll have to live in this darkness forever.
"A narcissist cannot love."
I'm still trying to accept this ma. He gave me trauma instead of affection. His love came with a tag which says, terms and conditions applied. The silent treatment he gives me is worst than anything ma. He ruined my teenage. And lately, I've been missing myself. I miss singing out loud in kitchen, telling you "I hate you" just because I want to talk, all the time. But talking drains me now. I'm sorry I don't talk much these days ma. The words keep lingering in my head but I can't figure why don't they just come out.
Well, you know how I always sleep because I love dreams right? But ma, now the dreams are as scary as the real life and there's no way to escape. I hate sleeping too.
Amidst all the chaos and the suicidal thoughts that has resided in my head, it's you who keeps me alive.
So ma, as I always request you,
Please don't leave us ma.
Stay for a while. Take a later flight.