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  • rachanarithu 7w

    Life Advice

    Dear 10 year old Rach,

    Knowing now what kind of a roller coaster your life is going to be, I want to hold you close to my chest and sheild you from all of it. I want to give you all the love and care you craved for since childhood. But as much as I wish for that, neither of us can travel through time, so here are couple of advices, I think would have helped you at your age;

    1. You are not responsible to mend relationships which you didn't break, your family was dysfunctional long before you came into the picture.

    2. I know all you yearn for is, love and the secure feeling of a warm hug but unfortunately we often place our expectations with the wrong people, parents included. Nobody's is flawless and everyone is in their own turmoil. Sometimes or atleast in our case, most of the times, we are the only ones for ourselves. I know that advice can break your heart but love, the sooner this is learnt, the lesser wounds.

    3. You are not responsible for other's behaviour, the world was cruel before you knew it. Those classmates and teachers from school, who bully, slut shame and even drive you nuts are already the way they are. You have done nothing to make them act that way although they will try to convince you otherwise.

    4. Oh my dear one, you will soon experience a beautiful feeling called love. Someone for however short duration of time, will paint your world with colors so bright.

    5. And yes, you will experience heartbreak and once you will break the heart of someone you love too. It's an awful space to be in but hold on, things will change for better.

    6. Love will return in different phases of your life in better and worse forms, shaping your life and yourself in ways you never imagined to be. It's growth, so as much as it will be beautiful, it will be painful too, brace yourself.

    7. Family is not just by blood, you will meet amazing human beings who become closer than family and trust me even will be crucial for your survival at that phase. The world ain't all that bad, hold onto that thought.

    8. You will reclaim some bonds within the family which are worth holding on to eventually. And those bonds will be helping you rebuild a life after a near complete destruction. So although it seems all is lost now, hold on, the tables will change.

    All in all, you are in for a hell of a ride and at times you might even feel disconnected with yourself. But remember we will be there for each other no matter what, even though it will take some time for us to understand, and accept each other.
    And most importantly remember two things, never let the world kill the child in you, love and kindness inside you and hold on to the thought 'this too shall pass.'

    Love,

    Rach
    30 and stilll alive (we made it this far together and there is a long journey ahead).
    ©rachanarithu

  • rachanarithu 7w

    Winter

    Somewhere in the past so long, winter was a season of love.
    Now it's just the season of harrowing memories, withering my soul away from love.
    Oh Winter, how I wish the dementors of my fate, never crossed paths with you.
    ©rachanarithu

  • rachanarithu 7w

    Learning

    I am learning to forgive myself. To treat me with all the love, I so generously gave to everyone. To hold the hands of that inner child who is petrified by the trauma, life inflicted upon her. To tell her that I am with her, I recognise her and I love her.

    In the process, I am learning to break that generational curse of the lineage to self-destruct in the name of guilt and obsession over power, often disguised as love.

    It's not easy. Infact it's excruciatingly painful to break patterns, to draw the boundaries, and most importantly learning to love thyself, but it was definitely easier than drowning neck deep in depression and eventually to a numbness worse than death.

    So I am holding on to that last straw firmly. I am learning to take a deep breath and savour life's little joys and not to give up on hope, myself and life.
    ©rachanarithu

  • rachanarithu 13w

    Existence

    How important are we to anyone or anything in this world beyond, few days, months or an year of mourning???



    Soon after you fade away as just an yearly reminder or sometimes not even that.
    Every proof of existance will and should eventually fade away except for may be how you touched lives of others.

    But how can humans make one another feel the same way even before they are dead?

    How can humans hurt each other so much with their insensitive, ruthless and excruciatingly painful ignorance and lack of empathy or love?

    They say that's how it works in the "real" world.

    They say the kind of love, humanity, care and sensitivity that I speak of, exist only in movies.

    If that's true, I want no part of this "real" world.

    Yet mere existence becomes a struggle when almost everyone you love and care about belong in or are trapped in the "real" world.

    Going in means loosing your soul and merging into that reality, staying out means never being close enough to people you love.

    Only other option is merging into the dark, the unknown. Between choosing within your own soul and people you love, fading away seems to be a better option.

    Afterall, how important are we to anyone or anything in this world beyond, few days, months or an year of mourning???

    ©rachanarithu

  • rachanarithu 34w

    Demons of Pandemic and beyond.

    Will I ever get to see the people I love, one more time ?


    TW: Sexual Abuse, Covid, Mental Health Conditions, Death


    I remember the last time I asked this question to myself.  It was 4 years ago in a far away land where I was forcefully confined to a house during an abusive relationship. Getting physically and mentally abused by someone you trusted is an excruciating pain and to wake up the next day, to prepare food for the same person and pretend like nothing happened until it happens all over again the same evening, is just every description of hell in reality.

    Every single day the torture only increased and over the days, the question turned to a belief that, "I will not get to see anyone else, ever again". Infact if not for a universal intervention and my sister, I wouldn't have been alive to tell the tale.

    I got a second chance at life then in the form of my sister who helped me escape, get help and restart from scratch.  Yet, that incident left  long lasting impact in the form of multiple severe mental health conditions, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression, Anxiety and mild OCD.

    After changing multiple jobs, places and medications, things were finally  taking a positive turn when I landed a job that I really liked, a super supportive team, psychotherapy and also found alternate effective cure for my condition in Ayurveda. I tried to convince myself that may be just maybe, things might change. While medications and psychotherapy helped, I was supposed to stay away from triggers that would set off panic / anxiety attacks, which if gets worse could end up in me collapsing completely.  While there were many minor triggers, few major ones were good enough to start off major panic attacks, like being  in confined spaces, bound to home for prolonged periods without physically interacting with others, sounds of nadaswaram (musical instruments used in the south Indian weddings), sudden power cuts in the night and so on. I tried my best to stay away from triggers and things were actually getting better.


    Then Covid happened, I was confined to my home in the city, isolated into one of my worst triggers.  With the help of some  very  generous friends, I survived last lockdown, where I had multiple panic attacks and hospitalizations since I lost consciousness as a consequence. 

    This year lockdown is even worse, cases are rising like hell and people  I know or people in general are dying on a daily basis.  Amidst all this asking friends to come over for even emergency makes me feel guilty, can't visit hospitals as they are over occupied already with Covid cases and so on.


    Nights and darkness come along with horrible memories of the past, nightmares brings back vivid details of the trauma that happened, time crawls by in the night, where I stay awake counting seconds till the morning rays strike through my window, assuring some level of safety and may be just may be few minutes of uninterrupted sleep.


    Along with all that,  I haven't seen my mother or grandparents since February 2020, my sister or my brother since before that and by the way things are going on, I don't know if we will ever get to see each other in person anymore. I live in constant anxiety of something happening to my mother who is yet waiting to getting to get her slot for vaccination, my grandparents who can't be vaccinated due to co-morbidities,  because of which, me travelling all the way to them without getting vaccinated can be risky too. I have no freaking clue what will happen if I go down with Covid despite every possible precautions taken.


    The anxiety of all these uncertainties and constant triggers are literally disabling, physically and mentally.

    Everyday I hope that all of us sail through this and live to tell the tale but as the days pass by, the hopes are hammered and lights at the end of the tunnel seems like a mirage. Each day getting out of bed, doing things that a normal person could do without actually even thinking is a battle for me within myself.


    Yet I try my best to breathe through, one second to another, determined to fight back as far as I can. 


    I acknowledge the privilege I have of having a home to sleep, or not being currently in an abusive household,  and am grateful for all that. I am writing this to just let out that despite the privileges, the outward appearances, the shield of projections, many people hold onto, they might be fighting unimaginably deadly demons.

    If you are one who is fighting these battles for whatsoever reasons, your pain is valid as much as all the  collective grief around. Do not feel guilty for feeling pain.


    Breathe. Hold On. One second to another.


    "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about"

    ©rachanarithu

  • rachanarithu 62w

    Beckoning

    When you beckon me over, be sure that I am what your heart desires.
    For I, my darling, am a raging fire of love and passion.
    I neither make do with stolen promises nor with ugly secrets.
    I leave behind only memories, now will that be a nightmare or wonderland, is totally upto you.
    ©rachanarithu

  • rachanarithu 62w

    Fear

    When someone says that they are afraid of hurting you, more often than not, it's a warning than an act of love.
    Listen carefully and have that uncomfortable conversation, they might already know something subconsciously that might actually end up hurting you later.
    It's easier to get carried away in those few dreamlike moments and harder to confront those intuitions, but do it for your sanity, sooner the better.
    ©rachanarithu

  • rachanarithu 91w

    Moments

    "This winter let's celebrate the warmth of love"

    When I wrote these lines on our wedding card which I meticulously created, I was so damn sure that uniting the precious moments of our life, to my favorite season of the year was a great idea.
    Until I realized it was just me being the lunatic, about to commit a life threatening idiocy.
    From that moment to till this second, I keep imagining things I could have done instead, from running away to fighting back against each brutal pain you inflicted upon me.
    But I couldn't and you walked out unscathed, leaving me in the darkness with lethal wounds.
    From then on as the world turns to winter for their yearly dose of love and warmth, I run to the deepest dark corners to hide.
    To hide from the memories, pain and the wounds that still bleeds.

    I have never been sober since that year especially on that day which reminds me of my stupidity and makes me wonder, how for that one moment, I believed I was so happy. I usually pass out after a heavy dosage of anything that can knock me out throughout those haunting hours.

    This year, I am instructed to stay sober, the mere thought of which is giving me nightmares.
    How can I explain the pain that wrenches and tears my heart, soul and body into a million pieces?
    How can I explain that by just being in my senses on that day might make me collapse in ways I might not recover from?
    How can I explain the fear of letting my fragile self being exposed from under the fake composed self that's projected to the world outside?
    How???
    I don't know.
    May be like they say in the Potter universe, "Fear of a name only increases the fear of the thing itself".
    May be it's time to face it.
    May be it's time to not let the fear of what's going to happen, stop me from living.
    May it's time to reclaim my favorite season of the year.
    May be it's time.
    May be not.
    But, how will I ever know, if I don't try?

    ©rachanarithu

  • rachanarithu 110w

    Moments

    "This winter let's celebrate the warmth of love"
    When I wrote these lines on our wedding card which I meticulously created, I was so damn sure that uniting the precious moments of our life, to my favorite season of the year was a great idea.
    Until I realized it was just me being the lunatic about to commit a life threatening idiocy.
    From that moment to till this second, I keep imagining things I could have done instead, from running away to fighting back against each brutal pain you inflicted upon me.
    But I couldn't and you walked out unscathed, leaving me in the darkness with lethal wounds.
    From then on as the world turns to winter for their yearly dose of love and warmth, I run to the deepest dark corners to hide.
    To hide from the memories, pain and the wounds that still bleeds.

    I have never been sober since that year especially on that day which reminds me of my stupidity and makes me wonder, how for that one moment, I believed I was so happy. I usually pass out after a heavy dosage of anything that can knock me out throughout those haunting hours.

    This year, I am instructed to stay sober, the mere thought of which is giving me nightmares.
    How can I explain the pain that wrenches and tears my heart, soul and body into a million pieces?
    How can I explain that by just being in my senses on that day might make me collapse in ways I might not recover from?
    How can I explain the fear of letting my fragile self being exposed from under the fake composed self that's projected to the world outside?
    How???
    I don't know.
    May be like they say in the Potter universe, "fear of a name only increases the fear of the thing itself".
    May be it's time to face it.
    May be it's time to not let the fear of what's going to happen, stop me from living.
    May it's time to reclaim my favorite season of the year.
    May be it's time.
    May be not.
    But, how will I ever know, if I don't try?
    ©rachanarithu

  • rachanarithu 117w

    Love

    They say children have the purest of emotions, natural, uninhibited, non-judgemental and unconditional. I fell in love the way you expressed yourself and made me comfortable to do the same, just like a child. I loved the biggest gift you gave me, my childhood, that I never had. 
    I love that I love you as much as I love myself. 
    ©rachanarithu