I will always remember last night. it was colder than usual. I was restless, I was pale and blue. and why? you sure have no clue? It was 3 am, the filters of my cigarettes laid on the ashtray The empty packets were begging for mercy, But I was not done, I needed another one. I was pale and blue, I was restless.
I vigorously shook my pants, also my shirt, but not even a single stick to mend my heart. I hunted every corner of my room, I was digging in every drawer, before I found a cigarette, lying in the corner of the closet. It was mangled, it had stains, it reminded me of myself. Just then I remembered, this was the closet the one that was covered with dust. The one which time couldn't evade the one that preserved every card you gave me, every letter you ever wrote. I remembered this cigarette. it was the one you crushed, when you found it in my pocket. I remembered the letter you wrote after, making me promise to not smoke again, I kept it safe, I kept all the letters safe. I patted them hard, to removed the dust. I sat on my chair I read all the letters yet again, but this time, with water in my eyes. I wonder how often do we bleed, because we hold firm to what hurts us. I wonder how often we listen to that old song, or go to that old street just to kill our own happiness. I could feel your voice between the alphabets. I never felt this way since years, I was feeling loved, love, that I forced out of my life. love, that I no longer had. I will always remember last night.
Yes, I will always remember night when I set all your letters on fire and then lit my broken cigarette with that flame.
I adjusted so much for people I don't know how to understand myself now, I look for a language Words and expressions That could be enough to know Actually how am I feeling! Enough to mine my own heart To extract the realities To feel something for myself, Without fearing 'what they'd think' Without fearing 'what if it hurt?' Without fearing to be judged By those for whom I molded my beliefs, Changed the way I thought, To accommodate their perspective, To make a room so that they could feel home in my heart! . I feel like a corpse Lost all meanings to live, In an attempt to spend a whole life modifying myself To have some precious moments and memories whom I loved more than My- self: My Anguishes and complaints and wishes; My all and all I ever had! .
His love came to me one day when I needed it the most. He became the shelter where I feel secure and safe no matter what goes wrong on the outerside of the home. His warm love protects me from the cold tough days of my life. So I have decided to make him my only world in this lifetime. Happy writing! Good day ahead.!