the_grotesqued_heart

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Whhoooshh!!! I do gobbledygook scribbling :)

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  • the_grotesqued_heart 20w

    Why am I Gobbledygook?

    So, I surfed the google webpage, saw every possible meaning of “Gobbledygook” and what I got, was-

    The term gobbledygook was coined by Maury Maverick, a former congressman from Texas and former mayor of San Antonio. During WWII he sent a memorandum that said: "Be short and use plain English. ... Stay off gobbledygook language."
    Gobbledygook initially means a nonsense language or a language that is meaningless or is made unintelligible.
    So you get an image of what Gobbledygook really is!
    Maybe it’s all about being intentionally or sometimes even unintentionally (though often intentionally) inexpressible to others.
    Now what makes a person Gobbledygook?
    Or rather running behind a fantasied answer,
    What makes me a Gobbledygook?

    Well, I intentionally try to be inexpressible or rather remain stupid.

    It's because the people I've met were either resistant to my fully conscious self or were way more prompting than me.

    I still remember a person, not in my fantasies but in my illusionary life, who was resistant to my fully conscious self. I still remember the way we parted our ways, not because we had some great fight or some trust issue, but because that person couldn't bear the things I said. He/she couldn't accept what I felt at the moment, what I wanted from him/her and thus went far away, leaving me shattered and dumbfounded.

    I learnt quite much from that time, only to be overturned at the very next instance.
    I learnt to be rather a bit more of a listener than an expresser, a bit more of being trustworthy than being the trustee, a bit more of nodder than a prompt. And that's when I met another one.

    I remember yet another person, who was way more prompting, ever ready with their stuff. I heard and heard and heard until he/she fell silent and left-
    I heard him/her speak, I heard him/her laugh, I heard him/her cry and I heard the silence with which he/she left.

    And ever since, I have become a Gobbledygook, a rather inexpressible self of mine, who stammers to speak and pulls back only to let others speak their stuff, listen to them and rather sound nuisance from my side only to let them go on and rather not leave.
    I can't afford to lose anyone anymore.

    I have seen people leave when I spoke,
    I have seen people leave when I didn't.
    I have seen people leave without listening to me.
    So I have chosen the midway-
    being a listener and an inexpressible self of mine.
    And thus,
    I am Gobbledygook.

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    Gobbledygook

    I have seen people leave when I spoke,
    I have seen people leave when I didn't.
    I have seen people leave without listening to me.
    So I have chosen the midway-
    being a listener and an inexpressible self of mine.
    And thus,
    I am Gobbledygook.

  • the_grotesqued_heart 20w

    Remember those songs we used to vibe on together?
    Remember those lyrics we sang together, being mad together?
    Remember those tunes we felt with our eyes closed?
    Remember all those "relatability" we felt with a smile on our faces?

    I don't know whether you remember it or not.
    And I can't do anything with whether you do or not, the only thing I can do is to sob with the reminiscences that are left with me.

    I LEFT LISTENING SONGS.
    ALL THOSE SPOTIFY, SAAVN ETC IN TRASH.
    NO MORE DO THE MELANCHOLY MELODIES REVERBERATE MY EARS.

    Now, somewhere in my fantasies, you will ask "Why?"
    And somewhere in these same fantasies of mine, I'll reply "You."

    Yes, you.

    For you, I was a persn who needed help the most, but also the one who didn't wanted to help himself.
    And I agree with you, maybe disagree as well.
    But all I needed in this time of sheer helplessness was you, and that's when you left me.
    You left like a gust of wind, silent but yet so violent. Turing the fond memories of ours into ashes, and leaving me with just the carcass of the past we have had.

    Was it so easy to pass by?

    Anyways, what you left behind, was a mysterious silence that prevailed even after you left, a few weird clicks, enough memories to get me to sleeplessness and melodies that you shared with me.

    Remember the first time you shared a song with me?
    You said it was intended to heal me, a broken me who had just escaped the end.
    Never did I know that someday, the ointment will itself turn into a scar that would pain more than anything.

    Afterall, you left without uttering a word, burying all that we had into the graves of reminiscences.

    I tried to calm myself,
    I tried to recreate a blur you from the broken pieces you left behind.
    I tried to heal myself through the melodies that you once shared with me.


    I fell on my bed, plugged in my headset, shuffled them, turned and twisted and pushed my head hard on my pillow.
    The song started. There was a silence. The same silence you had in the last days of our bond.
    And then,

    I couldn't feel the lyrics giving me the same goosebumps it used to when I vibed on the same song with you.
    I couldn't feel the sweet and sober tune amidst the chaos that was rushing through my mind.
    I couldn't feel my lips murmur the lyrics as they used to.
    I tried, but I couldn't.
    I tried, but I couldn't.
    All I felt was numbness, a dead stare at the ceiling of my clumsy room and tears on my cheeks and some spilt on my pillow, the pillow which had been bearing them since time unknown.

    The song was no more just a matter of some good verses and a sober tune, but rather, it was nothing less than a recreation of you.
    All I could feel whilst I heard, was your absence and the deadliness of your silence.
    All I could feel was a pale cold heart in the absence of your warmth.
    All I could feel was dumping my head on the grave of our long lost bond.

    The misophonia shook me. All I could hear was the shrillness of the silence you left with.

    Anyways, it has been days since you left, but I couldn't change and maybe won't ever. Though I deleted all those shit I mentioned, but deleting the days you were there for me and with me, is impossible.
    Even today, unwillingly, those songs race through my mind, my lips start syncing them and I vibe like a lunate, only to be left bursting in tears after a while.
    It pains, but I don't know why, I'm ready to bear it.
    Only with a hope to either regain you or loose myself,
    because afterall, it pains and worsens each day.

    Enough of it.
    Love you and everyone.
    Bye.

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    Melodies haunt me.

    I no more bloom with the tunes;
    My lips no more croon the melodies you gave me.
    I no more listen to songs
    and won't ever again.

    The melophobic in me arouse,
    the day you left behind the melodies
    as an unquenchable mark of your silence,
    the deadly silence with which you left.

    I tried to reminisce your warmth,
    I tried to drown in the melodies the way we used to,
    I tried, but I couldn't.
    I tried, but I couldn't.

    All that went through my ears
    was not the sweet and sobber tune of our most beloved song,
    the song we used to vibe on together;
    But rather,the shrill hue of the silence with which you left.

    My hands didn't swirl the way they used to;
    My eyes didn't close to feel the warmth anymore.
    All I felt deep in my heart
    was the cry of an adieu that was never proposed.

  • the_grotesqued_heart 21w

    Ignorance. It suffices everything that I've gone through for quite a while.

    Ignorance. It is what I've received from your side these days- to the 'unopened letters' of mine with innumerous "WILL WAIT FOR YOUR REPLY" in them.

    Ignorance. It is now probably a suffix to my name for you, if not something even more than that.

    You've been "gifting" me alot these days, some unexpected and the bitter-est flavours of life, be it as small as your "seen ignored" to my attempts to initiate a fresh conversation or your thunderous silence that strikes me hard enough.

    And even after these "good terms", I'm such a lunatic who cannot stop replying to the "lame" emojis you send with an intent to end the convo, I'm such a lunatic who cannot stop turning to your chat even after having numerous unopened ones, like a merry-go-round. I'm such a lunatic who cannot stop expecting a cute, heart warming reply of our seemingly fairytale past, even after my texts have been blue-ticked and you're hanging right there- ONLINE (this is the bloodiest shit I have gone through and am going through, all thanks to you).

    You might laugh and giggle on my "self acceptance of lunatism" but I really don't care because I know what these laughs and giggles have been for me- innumerable panic attacks, vomits, anxiety and of course, never ending regret and self blame.

    You remember when you used to say "always there!" And I used to say "Promises are meant to be broken" and then we used to make puppy cry faces and be normal the very next moment. But today, I feel the stuff I used to say, and so should you- cz you broke the promise, that was anyways, meant to be.

    But you know what, I still remember the goodness, the aroma of every moment that was somewhat "normal" and will continue to, but what I will certainly miss and continue to sob about is why it all went to just meagre reminiscences and couldn't be the reality for any long.

    JUST 4 MONTHS,
    SWEETER THAN ANYTHING
    BUT NOW, SEEMS TO BE BITTER THAN ANYTHING.
    :(

    "Painted us a happy ending"
    Couldn't you? Couldn't you?
    Did you know I already knew?
    Well,
    Looking back, I probably should have known.


    Anyways, if "Ghost reading" was something, I hope it prevails today as well, and maybe things get conveyed the way they're meant to be, probably.

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    Ignorance

    - WHY SO?
    "IDK".
    - ARE YOU CRAZY
    "MAYBE, MAYBE NOT."
    - IS IT WORTH BEING CRAZY ABOUT?
    "MAYBE NOT, BUT I AM A LUNATIC SO I WENT FOR IT."
    - YOU REGRET ?
    "NO I DON'T, MAYBE I AM WAY MORE OPTIMISTIC, WHO SEARCHES FOR A SOUL FROM THE CARCASSES OF THE LONG GONE.

  • the_grotesqued_heart 22w

    I have lost again. Lost everything maybe- lost people, lost time, lost my strength and maybe, lost myself in pieces.

    I feel myself to be slaughtered in pieces, as I see my people going away, maybe for a reason which I'm not able to see or rather accept.

    I feel a pain deep inside me, a tremor of pain that's shaking me all around everytime, every moment and every second today. I think I'll collapse the other moment, but survive the next.

    I'm not able to hunt for the reason. Maybe it isn't meant to be, maybe it is - me.

    Or maybe I cannot accept the reason, cz deep down I feel that what I did was a reply to what was being done. Yet, thanks to my misery, I'm feeling the pain and the willingness to say S.O.R.R.Y. just like evrytime, but what's stopping me right now is that "Is my SORRY really worth it?"

    Anywhich ways, I'm yet again SORRY and will always be, no matter I'm right or wrong, cz I want the relations to extend something more than ephemeral- to infinity.

    But
    But
    But

    What I currently feel, and have been since yesterday night, is greatly expressed by this line from ABC television series *Brothers & Sisters* -

    "I am not angry, I am in pain, and you put me here."

    Well, hope they are reading this and understanding as well.
    Love to them and to you all, ofcourse.
    Bye.

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    I have lost again...

  • the_grotesqued_heart 24w

    I returned to my home, with a Glittery- silver solid around my neck, flunging as I moved with immense joy- Yes, I bagged a silver in the 100m sprint. I threw the door wide open, in my utter youthful excitement, went straight to my Mommy where she stood fetching some food for us. I stopped a little, took a step further and stopped again, with an intent to catch her unexpected fancy. She looked at me- my lips couldn’t adhere much and I said in a single take “Mommy look what I have got- a silver”. I had a wide grin lurking down my face only to be met with a moment of smile on hers and as she lifted the silver- solid that hung like a pendulum down my chest- she said “Who got the gold my child?” I WAS BROKEN- ALL MY HAPPINESS AND SHEER PRIDE LAID IN THE GRAVE OF REMINISCENCE.
    As she asked me about that red-headed chap who clinched the gold- All that I could remember was not the moment he was licking that shiny yellow solid while standing an edge above than me on the podium, but that gap of barely a hand that killed my hopes of being a clear victor- AND I LEARNT THAT DAY, HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO BE “THE SECOND”.

    Yes. Being “The Second” is way more hard than the efforts behind being “The First”- After all, being “The First” brings you something that the society refers as “respect”- enough to compensate for the efforts made. But what does being “The Second” brings you? Nothing but just question marks from all directions- innumerable How(s), To Whom(s) and Why(s).
    Being the second brings the tag of “Good efforts, but lost to-” tag wherever you go- it sound painstakingly sarcastic- where people seem to appreciate your efforts but yet consider you to be a “loser”. Isn’t it?
    To all the winners of Gold out there, Just take a while to look an edge below the podium you are standing on- You see a person, right? That person clearly had the same intent, potential and willingness that you had- something that he really missed on was that it wasn’t his day..
    To the “Gold-digger” society, that still remembers the “First man to conquer the Everest”, but not “The Second”, a society that remembers the “First man to travel to the space”, but sadly not “The Second”, a society that resists to enjoy the brave efforts of the person who couldn’t clinch the gold by just a margin of error, a society that pulls out of celebrating the one who could only be won by the “Invincible”; I reiterate, IT IS DIFFICULT TO BE “THE SECOND”.

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    The Second..

    To the “Gold-digger” society,

    Being “The Second” is way more hard than the efforts behind being “The First”.

    ©the_grotesqued_heart

  • the_grotesqued_heart 25w

    Hey life,
    Hope you are doing good these days…Nope, you don’t seem to, I don’t know why, but you don’t-

    I had been longing to talk to you a million times for the past few weeks, but something we crave for the most, is something we get just a skerrick of….and so has been my craving for you..But anyways, you are mine and will forever be, maybe..I feel you and me are not alright but we are right “next” to each other, so close yet so far these days..

    Can you let me take a sigh? If you don’t mind, can you just STOP me wherever I am? Can you pause the time maybe, or maybe my idiotic dauntlessness that is turning “too good” for me- it’s sucking me in and out. I’m using the unfair ways but I need to get out of this or maybe get through this as soon as I can BECAUSE IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING ALL I WISHED OF, I FEEL, I HAVE STARTED TO LOOSE MYSELF, AND MAYBE YOU AS WELL...

    You covered me whenever I was left, strayed, in the colds of shame, hatred and grief….I think it won’t fare you much to hold on to me- I need to be held firmly by my beloved- and it’s you.
    All what I need from you is- a tight hug, so that I may sob some tears; maybe of joy, maybe of exhaustion, maybe of my guilts, maybe of the sins I have committed or maybe, a blend of them all… but I desperately need it yk.

    Okay, enough of my nuisance, and I vibe on
    “Back to beautiful”…Ohh…You gotta get back to beautiful….please….I AM SORRY

    Be in touch...forever more…..

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    Dear Life these days

    Are you angry?
    Is it me behind your grievances
    Or you kidding meh?
    Whatever be it, It’s shaking me
    Shaking the very core of my heart
    I tremble, every moment I try to stand up to run
    Run from my own self
    Which haunts me each day I try to love myself
    Was I too easy to move on or to give up?
    Is it you testing the bond we share
    Or- or something even more horrific?
    I gasp for my breathe-
    You moved too fast
    Okay
    I have lost my control again
    I need you
    Bye.
    ©the_grotesqued_heart

  • the_grotesqued_heart 34w

    this creation, talks about a leaf,the last leaf, that is left on a birch tree.It tries to imbibe the difficulties it faces,the autumn breeze,season of fall..still it fights all the situations.And when it falls then too it moves freely and carries the hope of freedom further.��������
    Birch tree symbolise beginning,genesis...also the leaf here represents hope,the hope of new-beginning.

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    The last leaf

    I'm the last leaf
    on a birch tree,
    although pale and yellow,
    in the season of fall;
    Still bearing the hope of genesis,
    amidst the struggles
    with the autumn breeze.

    I'm the last leaf
    that fell from a birch tree,
    swirling in the air
    and heading the rivulet.
    Freely, I flow;
    Although half sunk,
    but never hopeless.

    ©the_grotesqued_heart

  • the_grotesqued_heart 34w

    This creation talks about the state of being depressed , escaping from it,and gaining positivityThis has been symbolised by the example of a dark forest and the way a braveheart escapes from it.
    For general information,bog,raven are symbols of negativity and depression whereas the warmth of ray is a symbol of positivity.

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    The ray of positivity

    The devitalizing dark woods,
    gulped many courageous hearts,
    that had the temerity
    to peep in the melancholy dark.
    But the ravens flying over the bogs
    deluded them to cross the woods.

    Then came a braveheart in the woods,
    who could hear his soul's voice;
    and felt the warmth
    of a ray that elightened a trench.
    They say, it was the ray of positivity,
    that helped him cross the woods.

    ©the_grotesqued_heart

  • the_grotesqued_heart 34w

    Friend

    There was a shadow
    who followed me,
    in my disastrous dreams.

    There was a shadow
    who followed me,
    in the deserts of negativity.

    There was shadow
    who patted me,
    Wherever I fell depressed.

    There was a shadow
    who loved me,
    whenever I hated my fate.

    There was a shadow
    though unsung, never noted,
    who was always there for me.

    There was a shadow
    whom the world qouted,
    "you're a true friend".

    ©the_grotesqued_heart

  • the_grotesqued_heart 34w

    This poeIf there is no-one responding to your call - then go on all alone
    m is just a bit of what i take up from the legendary poem by Nobel laureate, Rabindranath Tagore:

    Jodi tor dak shune keu na ashe tobe ekla cholo re
    (if there is no one responding to your call- go all alone then)

    There might be roads you go through where others might prohibit you to go....But that's a chance you are creating for yourself- to open a new way that will guide others to follow after you. It's always good to lead from front rather than to just follow what others did...But to right in front, you need to go through setbacks..People will demotivate you but it's you- whether you take up "motivations" from their "demotivations" or not!

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    Courage

    There were many who went like ants;
    Following each other to nowhere,
    but at any rate success and calamity,
    would judge all with equality.

    There was one who sought a new path;
    and went through enormous pain,
    atlastly, he faded all alone,
    but they say he had courage.

    ©the_grotesqued_heart